Managing friendship with an ex
Hey all,
The guy I was seeing for a year broke up with me in November. Since then we have stayed friends. There have been some times there was some physical intimacy as more than friends, but I have been doing my best to spend time with friends and seek support elsewhere. I have felt that he has been pulling back a bit, not texting me very much. I asked if he is wanting time to himself/space and he said yes. I asked if he wanted to talk about it, and he said no. I know that having a bit of space could be healthy for both of us but it was really hard to hear and I am hurting a lot. We had gotten really close and I really want to stay friends to not completely lose how close we are emotionally. I 100% plan to respect his boundaries, but it is really hard. It was also really hard not to be able to talk to him about it and get some reassurance that it's a little space for now but we will still stay friends.
Also, this breakup is particularly hard because I have very little support with toxic family I don't speak to and only a small number of close friends. I also experienced a death of a family member recently. I feel like it is me on my own handling everything every day. I have a hard time trusting new friends because of the abuse from my family, but I am taking it day by day to be social, go to support groups and see my counselor.
Thanks if you read this. Please only supportive comments and don't give advise.
@Daydreamer47 So, I’m a man who is going through a (somewhat) similar situation (with a woman). Same type of stuff, she started distancing herself, telling me we needed space. She also told me not to get my hopes up that we would ever be as close as we once were, so your situation might be a little better? Right now we haven't talked in about 6 months, not sure if she plans on coming back or not. She was such a big part of my life for the last few years that I didn’t know what the heck to do with myself for a couple months afterwards. (still don’t?) It takes alot of strength not to message her when things get tough. I try to tell myself that if she was the right person she would want to be in my life, but it’s hard to trick my mind into thinking that. She was probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. Trying to forget, trying to move on.
Not sure if this helps or not. You sound like you’re doing the right things, keep your head up. I'd offer internet friendship, but idk how helpful it would be or if we'd even get along. I want to offer my support to somany people on here but idk if I have the time for everyone. Anyways, I hope things get better for you. ;)
@Clayton7 Thanks. I really appreciate it. Not talking for 6 months sounds really rough. Sounds like there may be some issues there on her end, but yeah it doesn't make it easy.
@Daydreamer47 Putting your feelings into words is a great first step. For now I highly encourage you to focus on the positives around you, if you continue to think about the breakup and letting those negative thoughts get to you, you'll do nothing but sour your own mood in the long term, try and connect with the friends you do have more, even try and reach out to people you think you're acquaintances with and see if they want to hangout. Definitely give him the space he needs, going from talking everyday to nothing at all can be heart breaking and so tempting to break that silence, but when he's ready he'll extend his hand. It sounds like you two were rather close and being broken up and remaining friends can be tough for both people, it instills a sense of not wanting to move on from either person. Going ahead, if you continue to have these negative thoughts, try and think about it more rationally, I'm currently going through a breakup myself, and I've had very bad anxiety that she'll move on because I'm not around, it's easy to only see your own feelings, but a year is a lot of time with someone, take into account their feelings, and what you meant to them. I hope this helps :)
Thanks for the support everyone, but please I asked for not giving advice/telling me what to do. I need to make my own choices and have some triggers around others people being controlling in the past. Thanks for your understanding.
@Clayton7 Thanks so much for checking in. We did end up talking and he said he felt we needed to "reset" the friendship since we still both are very into each other. I don't think he is wrong but I definitely still struggle with feeling hung up on him. Taking it day by day. Have been trying to be more involved with activities at school, especially nature stuff that gets me outside. Also have been going to zoom support groups. I'm really not ready for a new relationship for a while, but I might start going on the dating apps this summer to meet some new people, even new friends.
Figuring out what to do about my parents is really difficult. I am considering proposing some more family therapy, but at times I also feel just completely fed up with them and don't want much of a relationship with them anymore. Maybe I can find a good family counselor who can help me express that I want my concerns heard but still will probably want a limited relationship with them.
@Daydreamer47 No problem. ;) You’re one of the first threads I posted to and since I could relate to it I guess it stuck with me a little bit and made me want to revisit. It took me some time to figure out how to get back to the threads I posted to previously, but im glad there is a way to find them. I didn’t know if old threads just ended up in the abyss. The amount of new posts in the forums is pretty overwhelming and me wanting to help everyone has just made me try to avoid this site altogether. X) I guess the trick to learn is being able to just offer opinons, solutions, and support and move on to the next person. To try not to form any type of connection with anyone. It’s difficult for me not to accumulate all of the the different things I read though. Idk what I was really hoping to find on this site, but it’s kinda dark and dreary around here reading about everyones struggles. I wish there was easier solutions.
That’s great that you any your ex are still able to talk to eachother, I wish I knew the answer as to not getting hooked on one person toomuch. You focusing on yourself and your school activities sounds like a good start. Which being in school sounds like a great way to meet new people aswell. Since there are lots of people with similar interests and experiences all gathered together in one place. Easier said than done though. =P I never went to college so most of my friends are still around from highschool. Meeting new people outside of a school setting is a little more difficult, i need to work on getting out more aswell. I’ve never had success with meeting anyone off the dating apps, but from what I hear that’s a men problem. Lol. Everyones situation is different though and I might of had better luck if I lived somewhere else.
The parents issue is a difficult one. I’m not sure what all you have going on with them, but it sounds like you’re trying your best to make peace with them. And that’s all you can do. Limiting your relationships with people who try to bring you down is the right way to go.
I tried changing my thoughts around as to avoid making any of this sound like advice. Hopefully it’s enough. Trying to be that supportive person you wanted. lol. =P Goodluck out there. ;)
