Maybe I'm wrong - sorry this is kinda long
Me and my fiance have been together for 5 years. Stupid me noticed the little red flags here and there, but I ignored them. It was like, at first all the attention was soo sweet, always wanting to be with me and making sure I got home safely but then it turned into always blowing up my phone when I wasnt with him and sitting in my workplace watching me work (I worked in the kitchen but there was an area where the racks were and he would sit in a specific spot so he could see me through there) Well, we finished college and he INSISTED that working together would be good for us so we can easily plan vacation times and weekends (which it was, but it turned into him constantly fighting with me bc I talked to another guy - about work- and stupid stuff like that. I wasn't allowed to laugh or smile at anyone he didn't approve of, even women)
My mom put it down to he was just a little insecure and I shouldn't be laughing with other guys to make him jealous anyways. (I wasn't, I don't know I always got along better with guys... my old (girl) friends were really catty)
Anyways, he ended up quitting that job after a few years bc he didn't want to listen to the higher ups and they weren't taking his shit, but he blames them. It all could have easily been avoided if he would just suck it up and continue on, everyone knows working isn't a picnic and you just gotta shut your mouth if you want a paycheck. Now he hasn't worked in 6 months and I had to get another job (bc I don't drive and its VERY FAR from home) and making so much less than I used to (think, like... 8.5 dollars less, bc of him)
I want to go back to University and get my masters and if I'm lucky, my PHD but he just says, "we'll discuss it after we're married" He gets mad that I refuse to move to his counrty with him, saying I don't love him (no, I just love mine and he chose to come here) I'm not allowed to have friends even though he goes drinking twice a week with his friends and he checks my phone whenever he wants, even reading my moms texts and texts between me and HIS sisters. He picks me up on my hour lunch, not bc he wants to see me, but bc he wants to check up on me. I sit away from the door and I'm constantly looking behind me, making sure he isn't there watching me.
I gained 30 pounds in 5 years, I think due to stress (but I do love chocolate so some of thats me) and everytime we fight, he calls me a bitch, whore, he regrets being with me, "my kind" always makes problems for their husbands (I'm white) and lots of other stuff. He's not violent, but he has pushed me a few times. He uses my family against me, (Im a divorced kid, parents are super involved in their remarried lives that they never talk to me often)
Maybe I am over reacting or something, but I don't know if I can go through with the marriage. I want to go back to school and be successful (ha, in this economy and in thousands in student loan debt) and just be respected.
When everything is good, he's so nice. We go out, he calls me baby and love and helps me around our home and is super nice...
But maybe, just maybe, I am over reacting.
@whyohwhy95137
Me and my fiance have been together for 5 years. Stupid me noticed the little red flags here and there, but I ignored them. It was like, at first all the attention was soo sweet, always wanting to be with me and making sure I got home safely but then it turned into always blowing up my phone when I wasnt with him and sitting in my workplace watching me work (I worked in the kitchen but there was an area where the racks were and he would sit in a specific spot so he could see me through there) Well, we finished college and he INSISTED that working together would be good for us so we can easily plan vacation times and weekends (which it was, but it turned into him constantly fighting with me bc I talked to another guy - about work- and stupid stuff like that. I wasn't allowed to laugh or smile at anyone he didn't approve of, even women)(In hindsight you now see the controlling, insecure and jealous behaviour. The fact that you use the word "allowed" shows that your relationship was never on equal or fair terms.)
My mom put it down to he was just a little insecure and I shouldn't be laughing with other guys to make him jealous anyways. (I wasn't, I don't know I always got along better with guys... my old (girl) friends were really catty)
Anyways, he ended up quitting that job after a few years bc he didn't want to listen to the higher ups and they weren't taking his shit, but he blames them. It all could have easily been avoided if he would just suck it up and continue on, everyone knows working isn't a picnic and you just gotta shut your mouth if you want a paycheck. (Another example where his emotions interfered with his decision making and sense of personal responsibility) Now he hasn't worked in 6 months and I had to get another job (bc I don't drive and its VERY FAR from home) and making so much less than I used to (think, like... 8.5 dollars less, bc of him) (So having quit his job he also stopped helping you get to/from a much higher paying job. What is his financial compensation towards your lost wages? Or his output out of the time he could have spent enabling higher wages for you. This again shows him not respecting your work or needs over his convenience)
I want to go back to University and get my masters and if I'm lucky, my PHD but he just says, "we'll discuss it after we're married" (Marriage is a long term arrangement and it's wise to discuss important aspects before rather than after) He gets mad that I refuse to move to his counrty with him, saying I don't love him (no, I just love mine and he chose to come here) I'm not allowed (again the word allowed) to have friends even though he goes drinking twice a week with his friends and he checks my phone whenever he wants(lack of respect for your privacy.), even reading my moms texts and texts between me and HIS sisters. He picks me up on my hour lunch, not bc he wants to see me, but bc he wants to check up on me . I sit away from the door and I'm constantly looking behind me, making sure he isn't there watching me. (Please read this previous sentence over a couple of times to see what he has been doing to you)
I gained 30 pounds in 5 years, I think due to stress (but I do love chocolate so some of thats me) and everytime we fight, he calls me a bitch, whore, he regrets being with me, "my kind" always makes problems for their husbands (I'm white) and lots of other stuff. (Please look up what domestic abuse means. It's not just about getting beaten up, it is a much deeper issue where they mentally, emotionally and psychologically beat you down. He has shown that he neither trusts nor respects you.) He's not violent, but he has pushed me a few times. He uses my family against me, (Im a divorced kid, parents are super involved in their remarried lives that they never talk to me often)
Maybe I am over reacting or something, but I don't know if I can go through with the marriage. (You are not over reacting.) I want to go back to school and be successful (ha, in this economy and in thousands in student loan debt) and just be respected. (That is correct. Any relationship hinges firmly on trust and respect. Without them, no matter how much love or attraction happens, the relationship just can't work.)
When everything is good, he's so nice. We go out, he calls me baby and love and helps me around our home and is super nice...
But maybe, just maybe, I am over reacting. (Please feel free to share any further thoughts and I'll reply as best as I can)
@0m Thanks for responding! :) I'm kind of surprised someone did lol But no really, I know in my heart I need to leave, I just can't bring myself to do it. I always find excuses for him and shove everything down so far that I can't feel it anymore. If I don't think about it, everything is okay. My old teachers, old friends, family and random people are telling me to leave but I just.... can't. Maybe it's like a mental block of denial. But it can't be denial if I know it's wrong as to whats going on. It scares me because we found out his sisters husband choked her and slapped her and she almost lost her baby and he somewhat defended him saying why would his sister yell at her husband (she was really sick due to morning sickness and asked her husband to sit with her and he was drinking instead and she got upset) and again, I made the excuse of it's in his culture and it's not his fault. Oh boy.
@whyohwhy95137
Thanks for responding! :) I'm kind of surprised someone did lol But no really, I know in my heart I need to leave, I just can't bring myself to do it. I always find excuses for him and shove everything down so far that I can't feel it anymore. If I don't think about it, everything is okay. My old teachers, old friends, family and random people are telling me to leave but I just.... can't. Maybe it's like a mental block of denial. But it can't be denial if I know it's wrong as to whats going on. (It's not denial. You're in the cycle of abuse. Depending on the people involved it can change a bit but more or less follows the pattern of tension-building phase, crisis phase and calm/honeymoon phase. Without intervention or an active effort to change on both parts, the frequency and severity tends to increase over time. It's the attraction of that honeymoon phase that keeps you wanting to overlook the rest of it. You want to believe that if you could just manage to follow all his unfair rules, you might be able to get it to a permanent honeymoon stage.) It scares me because we found out his sisters husband choked her and slapped her and she almost lost her baby and he somewhat defended him saying why would his sister yell at her husband (she was really sick due to morning sickness and asked her husband to sit with her and he was drinking instead and she got upset) and again, I made the excuse of it's in his culture (This is a fact that men and women grow up around different belief systems and expectations based upon cultural differences. We can have healthy happy itercultural relationships if there is a basic foundation of mutual trust and respect for each other's cultures. That is what makes us want to go the little distance to understand our partner's culture and belief system so as to provide a balance in the relationship where both partners can feel safe, cherished, respected and loved! In your case however, he has no respect for your culture or belief system) and it's not his fault. Oh boy. (Please take the support of friends and family if and when you decide to end this. The phase of trying to end an abusive relationship can be really dangerous so I urge you to stay safe and protect yourself. You are welcome to write any thoughts and I'll always reply as best as I can.)
@whyohwhy95137 you are not overreacting. he's not respecting you, he's being manipulative and downright mean. ask yourself: if this was your sister or best friend who had written what you wrote and was telling you this, would you tell them 'youre overreacting, this man loves you despite all this and you should still marry him'?
something i hear a lot from people whose partners are potentially abusive: its perfect when theyre not -calling me names/ignoring me/upset at something small i did/etc-. yeah, its perfect sometimes. but that perfection is a facade. it's your relationship, but please consider what you really want from him, from a marraige. take care <3
@vexy Thank you :) I think I'm going to kick him out, just gotta get the courage looool :)
@whyohwhy95137 I wish you all the luck, courage and support! :)