Moving forward is a constant process.

Tonight felt like a night to see how my Ex was doing via Instagram. Hes moved on, better yet, he looks happy. Im too numb at this point to even know how sad i am about this, but happy he is in a better place. im constantly trying to remind myself my progress and how much ive grown from the breakup that happened a little bit close to a year ago. Ever since, Ive deleted all of social media and have been focusing a lot on my family. But i do have my nights of crying to myself.

My birthday just passed and i was stupidly waiting around for him to text but nothing.

i dont have many friends. a lot of them i found true colors of and others dont reciprocate the same effort. for a long time, ive been suicidal and feeling the need to not stay. but as i stay/focus on my baby niece who was just born, my feelings of worthlessness slightly fades away.

some of the repeated thoughts that insist to stay taunting me:

-why do people leave me so damn much. thanks dad for giving me abandonment issues.

-why is it so easy that people leave. how could i have made it possible for them to stay.

-why do i hurt so much when it seems like my absence dont affect the other person so much. why is it so hard for me to move on.

-why can i feel so great at some times, but then suddenly something from the past just brings me and my self esteem down.

maybe repeating, i am self-sustaining. Ive handled so much shit and im strong. family needs you. i love me. will help me sleep tonight.