My Painful Memory

I really need to let this all out. This is going to be a long essay and i'm sorry and grateful to everyone who's reading this. I'm going to let this out once and for all.

After talking for about a month with this person, we came into a RS. We were from different cultures, so to me, he was exactly what I wanted, which I can rarely find in my cultures. Very good mindset, thinking and vision. Throughout the time, we had many small issues. Sometimes those small things led to big fights and tears and shameful events. I am the type to prioritize "Love" more than anything. So I did many things to be with him. You can say that those in are relationship are supposed to be doing things like this after all, nothing to take credit. No, it's not true. I took many "on leave" to be with him, rode the bus on friday night for 13hours and arrived in the next morning to the city where he worked, leaving on sunday night to go back to my city and went straight to work in the morning. There was also a time when I went back to his city by changing the bus back in the middle of the night after 7 hours ride because I wanted to resolve a small bump between us, and many other. yes, i'm talking about what I did great only. He also came to my city whenever he could even though he wasn't supposed to be due to his work. We had many many issues but not those like cheating or such. Just small things which other might find it easy to solve. Maybe we didn't understand each other so much. But we loved each other a lot. I wanted to build my life with him and he felt the same. I trusted him with many of my childhood issues and my emotions. I told him many things i've never opened up to other. After a year, he had to move back and I followed him. But we had even more issues. We worked together and stayed together that we had less and less things to share. I did many self-harm. He ignored me when I needed him. For him too, I wasn't a good supporter when he needed. We just didn't understand each other and even if I tried, he didn't want to spend his time talking about "issues" and rather spend time on doing somethng good. But I felt that I needed to be heard and understood to keep going, I was lonely and had a difficult time. The only person I can rely on at that time wasn't paying attention to me. No, it doesn't mean he didn't care about me. He cared about many other things, in my daily life. He would take care of me when I was feeling sick, not feeling well, when I was hungry, tired and many other. But whenever we went out, mostly there will be his friends and I could barely understand his language, it was my fualt, I know. And he didn't think I would feel lonely sitting quietly for hours. When we went out for dinner, we had nothing to talk because we spent the day together. I felt sad because i had seen him talking and smiling with his friends who he talked to everyday on social media and met up very very often. His bff lived like 10 mins drive apart. He didn't go on a trip, we started to talk less, we drifted apart, our arguments became bigger and bigger that we started to physically hurt each other, many emotional pain. I used to think in the first year of RS that we loved each other regardless of our fights. in later year, he said several times as well that it was better to break up than living in that toxic relationship. He said if were one of the girls from his same culture, he would have broken up with me since along time ago because it wasn't working. Even after I heard those, I begged him to not breakup with me. When we became "okay" after argument, i'd sometimes joke when i saw luggage "buy me a luggage to go back". I had different intention. I just wanted him to say that "stop saying, you are not going back and we will be fine". I just wanted this assurance from him but later time he said i was testing him and he hated it so much. He didn't ask me or say anything and kept things inside.

But after these all things, I started to lose faith. I started to think he no longer love me and we shouldn't be together anymore. I wanted to escape. We have broken up. If we look back to this, everyone, every single one will say we better breakup. I know but .. i'm in denial. I spent my time with him, he's the best person to have as "the one". Everyone knows that he's a very good person. Things happened for a reason, which we didn't try to solve. We are now seeing a few flaws about us and me, i'm crying even more than i was in the past because I am just sad. In the past, I cried when we fought, and felt okay the rest of the time. No fight and he was still next to me. (but of course, less communication) And now, we don't fight but I just want to see him and be with him. I wished I had tried even harder to understand him, to be there for him.

I couldn't get over him because we still talk sometimes. What I couldn't understand is

1. should i stop writing him and try to get over him? But i might lose the chance to fix this relationship.

2. should I just be patient and keep talking? But what if one day he will come and tell me that this can't be fixed?

Only I know the answer but I can't figure it out. But i'm thinking I will try to be patient even if it means I have to cry from missing him so much. I'll wait until the day he feels okay and say whatever he wants to do, be it with me or without me. I will just wait.