Need advice on what to do onwards

[WARNING : LONG TEXT AHEAD] sigh.. where do i even start.. i was in a relationship with this guy for 11 months, we met through a friend, and we were all playing the same game so yknow, typical online romance for nerds haha but yea, everything was good, we got off really well and got close, i'm the type of person that has a hard time opening up to people but with him, somehow it felt like i knew him for years and he made me feel so comfortable.. i tore down my walls and let him in, at the time it felt like he was my knight in shining armour.. really he was.. after that, somehow we ended up falling for each other, which we both didn't expect but yea.. he confessed to me, i was scared at first because i didn't want to risk our friendship and me losing him but he told me that it's okay, that i should trust him.. and so i did.. everything was good, of course we had our fair shares of fights but we would always make up and forgive each other.. fast forward to november last year, he got sick, so we couldnt talk as much, he would show up for one day and then disappear for 3 days without saying anything, it was like ghosting i guess. this happened for around 2 weeks, whenever he disappeared i was worried sick, i was scared that something happened to him, but i didn't want to bother him because i just wanted him to get better.. i know i was probably clingy or something but i can't help worry over him. after 2 weeks he came back saying that he was feeling better, but he still couldn't talk in call with me yet because his head hurts a lot whenever he uses his headphones (he doesn't have a phone, hard to believe i know but trust me he doesn't have one lol) i was sad of course but i didn't want him to get sick again so i just said it's okay, just get better soon fast forward a week and a half after that, he suddenly called me, i was so freakin' happy. i missed hearing his voice, it sounded like music to my ears. we talked a lot that day, i told him how much i missed listening to him and talking to him. i thought that finally we can call again after today, but turns out nope, the next day when i asked him to call, he said he can only sit in call with me but can't talk because his headache came back (we used to sit in call a lot, like just have the call running even while we were sleeping). i was disappointed and sad but i didn't say anything and just said it was okay, get better soon so we can call again. now that i think about it, maybe it was better for me to just be honest with him and tell him that i was sad because i was so excited to talk to him.. but oh well, the day after that, i asked him if he could talk or was his headache still there, and he said it was still there so can't talk, again.. disappointed because i had so much to talk about with him but i kept it to myself, i thought that when he gets better he'll just call me like always, so i let it go in hopes after 2 days he'd call but what ended up happening was, slowly he ended up disappearing, he basically ghosted me i remember this was on the 16th of december, i had a presentation to do for uni and i was nervous as hell, i messaged him saying how nervous i was but i can't wait for it to be done because i can finally spend time with him without having to worry about uni assignments (before you say maybe its because i dont spend time with him, no, i always spend time with him, i never go anywhere without my phone so i'd always answer his texts, and at night i would usually stay up and be with him when he wants me to) that day my cat gave birth to kittens too, i was so excited to tell him so many things, how my professors told me my project was good and has potential, how the kittens were so adorable, how i finally managed to cook steak properly, etc. i was so so so excited, i stayed up waiting for him to reply but nothing ever came, the next day i messaged him asking where he was and if he was okay, did he get sick again, but nothing, no answer.. goes on til the 19th. that morning i messaged him asking why he was ghosting me, whether i did something wrong, but at this point i wasn't expecting a reply anymore.. i was hurt because he has done this so many times in the past, i always told him if he wanted space or if anything was happening, he can just be honest with me and tell me, thats all i ask of him, just tell me.. i mean, i don't know, because we were in LDR, the only thing we have is communication yknow.. communicating things is so important to me.. but sadly my ex had the communication skills of a rock :")) that night on the 19th, he replied, he said "sorry, i haven't been on my PC lately, i have been feeling like shit and i don't know why, to be honest i still feel like that, i don't know what's wrong with me" of course my first reaction to this is "omg is he okay?" so i answered, i asked if he was okay, did something happen, if he wants to talk i'll always be there for him, but i also told him that ghosting me wasn't the right thing to do either. up to that point i think it was okay, he hasn't replied.. but i don't know what got over me, i suddenly felt so upset, like all of my piled up worries and sadness just came rushing in and without waiting for his reply, i said something i truly didn't mean.. i said that i was sorry, but it's hard for me to believe his reasons.. after that i left my phone to go get a drink, i calmed down a few minutes after and realised that i just freakin' disregarded his feelings.. why did i say something like that? i ran back to my room to delete the message but it was too late, he already saw it and replied. that's when i knew what was going on in his head, he told me that he has come to the realization that he has done nothing with his life and probably can never achieve anything, not to mention he was also thinking about what my parents would think of him. he told me it has been the worst days of his life, and when he thought he can open up to someone about it for the first time, he gets called a liar and a bad person.. at the end he came to his own conclusion that i didn't care about him and so he won't care either. i tried to reply and ask him why he never said anything to me before all of this, but i couldn't.. he blocked me right after he sent that, i panicked. i went to his close friend and bawled my eyes out, i told him that i fucked up and that i needed to talk to him, i wanted to apologise and fix it but he blocked me. this friend actually got annoyed at my ex and called him a manchild, and he told me he'll try talking to him. the next day tho, this friend showed me what my ex said, he said that there was nothing else for us to talk about.. and so that was it, that's how it ended.. i know i shouldn't have let my emotions go out of control, i know i should've waited for his reply and explanation first.. i know.. i truly never knew he felt like that, he never said anything to me, i always asked him, even before he ghosted me, if everything was okay, if he wanted to talk about anything, if something was bothering him, because i know he likes to push things to the side, that's why i always ask him, but every single time he told me that he was okay and he wasn't thinking about anything.. i didn't want to keep on pestering and make him annoyed so i trusted him when he said he was okay.. i know i'm at fault, i know.. and i know there's no use in me regretting anything, i have to take accountability for it and i am right now, i'm not in his life because he doesn't want me anymore.. but it hurts so much.. i just wish that time he'd given me the chance to explain myself and how i was feeling and tell him i'm sorry.. maybe if that happened we would've worked things out.. or if not then at least we ended it on proper terms.. but really, it's stupid wishing for it.. now i don't know what to do.. was he a good boyfriend? lol no, he wasn't.. and i'm not saying this out of spite.. i don't hate him, if anything i still care about him a lot, but i couldn't see it when we were together. my eyes were covered with rose-tinted glasses.. he used to get mad at me for feeling sad.. he told me i was making it toxic because i kept on bringing negativity to the relationship.. he said that i should try to maintain at least a neutral atmosphere in the relationship instead of being negative, and hey, maybe i was overboard with it because i overthink a lot.. i was scared about a lot of things.. but somewhere inside me, i knew that what he said wasn't right.. you can't control how you feel.. you can't always be happy 24/7.. but still, i would always end up apologizing to him for feeling sad, and that i promise i won't get sad without reason.. i would always have to justify myself for feeling what i was feeling.. i would always get scared of telling him anything if it had something to do with me being sad because i didn't want him to get angry.. i know he wasn't a good boyfriend.. but hey.. you love what you love right? lol jokes aside.. the friend that introduced us kept on telling me to leave him after the first few red flags but i didn't listen.. because i believed that he was better than that yknow.. i never cared and loved for anyone before, he was the first.. sigh, i sound stupid.. it's funny how he was the one who told me to trust him and that he promise he would never leave.. he was the one who told me he wanted to be with me even if it risked our friendship because he didn't want me to be with someone else.. even after i told him i have a lot of burdens and expectations on my shoulders, he told me he didn't want me to face it alone and that he was ready for it.. but look who ended up leaving.. :")) again, i know it's my fault.. i'm not innocent whatsoever but it just hurts.. i still see him in my dreams and whenever i wake up i would just miss him so so much. it's been a month and here i am still sobbing like a baby.. even after i know he wasn't good for me, i still love and care about him sigh :"))) now i feel hopeless because whenever i feel like i can let this go and move on with my life, something keeps on pulling me back and i would just spiral back to this.. i dont know what to do, it's like life doesn't want me to forget.. tho thanks and sorry to anyone who read this, i know it was very lenghty but i just felt like i needed to pour this all out or i'm going to go crazy i don't really have anyone to talk to at this point, my ex was the only one i had haha :"))