Need help letting go.

I was in a non-committed relationship with a girl who I have known for 7 years. We started as friends, became best friends, then we dated for a bit, then we remained best friends till recently. We couldn't be together properly due to external reasons, her family and so on. So earlier this year we decided to stop seeing other and stop being friends so we could move on. Then a few months ago she came back and decided to be persistent enough to make me agree to do a non-committed relationship. Now I didn't put up much of a fight because I really love this girl and I gave her everything, metaphorically, I had, heart, soul, so on. I waited for some over 2 years for her to accept how she really felt about me, because I knew she loved me too and for us to be together and get married and so on. So as we were doing this I waited for months, she kept telling me why we couldn't be together like that even though she wanted to, she went on dates with guys and she would not talk me sometimes for some reasons. But throughout all this, she said things and acted a way that made me feel like she wanted to be me and that she would. Now she knows that I was attached to her again and she knew how much I cared and how I felt about all this and how I felt about her. Well recently she met this guy and then stopped talking to me completely, a few days after we were together. When I found out, I was broken. I need pills to sleep, I can't function, I can't eat, it's affecting my school and work. I feel used, betrayed and completely broken. Its like when someone who you gave everything to just threw you aside like you were garbage. I fell worthless and less than nothing. I want to tell her how I feel and what she did, but even after all this shit, the sad thing is I still love her and want to fix this and I don't want to hurt her. She is not evil, she is a nice girl and a good girl. I am not an attractive man, I don't turn woman's heads. I am a shy, nice(as said by others) guy who, naively, still believes in love and being romantic and treating the one I care about like a princess, like I did with her, you know flowers and poems and all that, putting real effort in is what I mean. She is on a trip and will be back soon or is back already, I don't know, and I need to know what to do. I know that I should move on but every time I try, I get angry and think why am I the one who get screwed all the time. I have been used before, mostly my fault because I am nice, but I just feel like it's not fair and I want to be happy for once. Before I met her I used to party and do drugs and think that my life wasn't worth that much, because of childhood traumas, then I met her and she was this nice and sweet and good girl who, when people look at me and her, they think that she doesn't belong with him, she is funny, smart and down to earth and was a nice person and make me feel wanted and accepted.. I started college after meeting her, quit drinking heavily, doing drugs, changed my lifestyle completely, for the better. My family really likes her and accepted her and they say that she made me a better person. I am not going to go back to that old self, but a bit of history.

well we are of two different religions, so there was that. My family though is more open minded, so they have accepted her. Her family is more traditional, so at first it was the religion, then that was fine, then was that i was too dark, then that was fine, i think. Now its that they think im nice, but ugly. i don't know the real reason, there is a language barrier, sort of, but i spent time learning the language and the tradition, even looked at how i would go about proposing, like how the tradition was. but i never quite fit in with her family, i was always sort of the outsider, so to speak, you know? but her feeling towards me are different, at least i think, right now im not sure about anything, she couldn't just leave her family, I didn't ask or want her to. But she didn't care about the ugly things or maybe she did I don't know anymore, she isn't completely innocent, she had her part to play in how ended and she doesn't even care, so yea. And I can't even be mad at her, I still love her, I mean damn I can't even hate her like a normal person, what is wrong with me

She has a tablet I lent her, for her trip, after she returns it, there wont any communication one way or another. It would be the only reason she would contact me now. I can't sit and talk with her, i have been struggling with the decision for the past month and half, if i sit down and talk with her, a big part of me will be wanting it work out after, will us to be together. I know that it wont happen and in the end of it i wont be OK. That is if i can even tell her any of this, i don't i have it in me to say it, it might hurt her and if shes happy now then im not going to be the reason she feels bad. I don't want to wait, every normal person would cut ties and move on, but i would wait, i would wait for her. But i cant, i cant let myself do that because i cant just do it on blind faith, it hasn't worked before. It's not fair that i have feel like this all the time,that..........its not her fault. I don't know what to do, my head all screwy

I feel awful because i got attached and she knew i got attached and i put a lot to make sure that she would have space and that i would be there for her if she needed me. I waited for a very long time for her to figure out how she feels, i feel like i was strung along. Even when she said we would stop, i did stop, i was OK-ish to move on. she knew i was attached this whole time...........so do i just let this go like the others, take the hit and put myself back together again? Cause im getting kind of sick of it, but i guess that's the only option. we were moving on a few months ago and if she was seeing someone then, i wouldn't care. we were together and few days later she's gone..........but it's not her fault.

I don't think she knows how i feel, you see during the time we were doing this, she kept saying that, " we aren't together, we aren't dating". and then one day while we were together," i looked at her and said i loved her". now she was like why would i say that, and that we are not supposed to be attached and so on. and then she said we should stop. I said OK and stopped communication, it was the worst feeling in the world but i did it because of her, because it was hard for her so i did it, i stopped communication. a few days later she texts me, " when you're not in my life i get all weird, when were together its hard to be together". not exact words but the gist, i told why was it so hard, it was family stuff so i understood, and i told her we could go through it together. we started hanging out after that again until recently. She even said, " maybe i;m lying to myself, maybe i should just accept how i feel about you". i mean, the hell, what else am i supposed to think

so because she kept saying we weren't together, she is assuming that its OK now, that she can just leave, when she finds some guy and her leaving me, just like that, is justified. Maybe it is, i don't know.

I am feeling angry, upset, don't like the way i am, don't like the way i look, don't like myself right now, very emotional, very........i don't know, just not great. I put on a face for my family and outside, so they don't know that something is wrong but honestly im just tired, i just so sick of it, im just....tired.

So what do i do, do i just keep forgiving and moving on? I mean that is what i should do because there isn't anything i can do. I mean i can just continue to live my life, i don't know how to talk to people, i don't do well in social situations, if i ever am in any, I'm not charismatic, im not interesting, im not charming, im funny but its takes me a while to be comfortable enough with the person to do so, im not good looking, im pretty sure, actually really sure that im not good in bed, i have only had one partner with whom i was with for almost 5 years, so maybe just not that experienced. I cant talk to women, i cant really flirt, I am an old school romantic, flowers, poems, massages, so on....but i cant any of that on a first meeting. Every time i pick up myself up and keep going i get hit even harder and now i just don't want to take anymore hits, i don't want to......i just want to be with someone, who i can love and give all my love to, and i have a lot to give. And i want that person to accept me and love me for who i am. But how do i do that if i can barely function when im around others, im really really shy and just alone........I'm just tired, i know i keep saying it but that is what i am. I'm just tired, i want someone to come up to me and be like i want to know you more, or for someone to make the approach. No one would, when they look at me they see an ugly person, and when i look at myself, not in a mirror but a picture that is what i see.

I know that i should let it go and that I shouldn't be hard on myself, but its just the way it ended and all that. I really hate being alone and i have tried to go out with people and tried to talk to women and i mean, i might try the online dating thing. Its easier of other guys, i find, they always something that works for them, you know. Like if they don't look good, then are charming or they are funny or they have a lot of energy or something like that. I don't, i just enjoy simple things, i just.......i don't know.....my qualities don't work quickly, it takes time for me be comfortable with people and people don't really have time for that. i just hate being alone and being like this and i just want to be like every one else, i just want to be normal, i just want to be happy when i wake up, i want someone to be happy that they know me, i just want to be appreciated. I know that is a selfish way of thinking but i don't know. And please don't say that my ex partner didn't deserve someone like me, because i am getting sick of hearing that over and over and over again. Every time always, the same thing, or its," you're a nice guy but..." im just so sick of it, im feeling anger for the first time, a lot of anger, so many emotions that normally i can manage and now just all these new ones. I don't want to fight anymore, i just want to live my life and not fight anymore, im too afraid, for the first time in my life, i am afraid of something, i am afraid of fighting, for the first time in 22 years i want to stop fighting and just give up trying to get something that i think i deserve, something i want, just give up the delusion of me being happy with this part of my life. I cant...........even now when i try to pick up myself up again, and when think that i will be OK, i fall harder, I just...........i cant.........this isn't something that is new, i have tried to fix myself, and it doesn't work, i just want to be happy, but we seldom get what we want or deserve.

everyone tells me that you should just keep busy, you know, just distract yourself from it and you'll be OK but there is only so much distraction before it stops being a distraction and becomes tasks. i do try to be happy, i mean I really do, and i don't know. I just.....I went to try to volunteer again, because i like to help and it makes me feel better but now when i try to do it, i feel off, i get....i start to think about the fact that im just falling into the same hole again and again. you know. Like the reason im am like this is because i helped people and i hate the fact that something i used to enjoy and something that made me feel really good is now making me question my own morals and nature. I cant seem to just help anymore, i mean i don't have faith anymore, i always had faith in people and their nature, like they are good inside, most people are. But now its just i lost that faith and i don't trust people and i don't trust myself because if someone pretends to care, and i fall for it again then i will lose myself again.

When i talked to her about this she didn't accept that she did anything wrong and that she was completely innocent in all this. She isn't completely at fault, it is also my fault for getting attached but she isn't completely innocent. Maybe she is, I don't know. I have tried a lot of different outlets and distractions but it doesn't work, im losing my mind here.

Sorry for the really really long post.