On and Off

Writing this trying not to cry.. I have people to speak to but I’ve been here so many times with the same person they’re sort of sick of it and I should be over it by now.

It has been close to 6 years, with a lot of breakups and a child together. Every time we split, he is with someone else very quickly. I must admit I try but the sick feeling and missing him stops me from ever getting beyond chatting to someone. But every time he has come back, 3/6months down the line.

So no point boring you with the whole 6 years, we last split in September 21, I ended it (note: I always ended it, impulsively, maybe deep down the right decision) he didn’t want to know me when I tried to sort things (usually the next day) etc etc. Every time, he is so difficult with arranging contact with our child, I want consistency and enough time so our child has a good relationship with him.

He has two other children, while I was with him he had to fight to see them through court (has them every other weekend, he dropped the day in the week as it was too much for him). He said he will never go through court again, but I am handing him a reasonable amount of contact and even offer to be flexible so it’s not like a court order but it is still not enough.

Anyway, back together January 22, all ok at the beginning, a bit wary of him, when I raise my concerns it turns into an argument. Went on our first family holiday with our child, had our moments but overall loved it and looking forward to booking another one. Went to weddings, lots of days out and happy overall.

Now getting with this guy, he cheated on his then partner (with whom he has two children) I feel bad to this day about it but it’s all my fault to him and his family as I ruined their perfect family. So, the trust was pretty much never there.

Leading on to the dreaded Snapchat. He wouldn’t be responding to me but his score (yes I’m a little crazy) would be going up a lot. So I had to remove him as it wasn’t good for me looking all the time and worrying.

He would stay at mine every night due to having to rip out and redo his bathroom, now it’s habitable, he went really distant, wouldn’t speak to me, see me etc so I just kept trying to see what’s going on, if he didn’t want to be with me anymore and he said he has no time in the week to see us, then I got out of him that he is distancing himself as he doesn’t like getting moaned at (I moaned because he turned up at 11pm every night and purposely woke me and then again at 5am when he wakes for work).

I kept trying to sort things but no luck, he said he is going to be brave and end the relationship. I went to collect my things while he was at work and to my surprise he had them all ready packed for me.

I’m devastated, I wanted it to work as this was the last time I was willing to try. We talked about the future all the time, he said he will never let me go, but now he’s gone, given up and goes on with his life as if nothing ever happened.

I’ve accepted his decision and been nice with him (after being upset saying I love him and want him etc). I’ve said a Sunday can be his day with our child to start and if he can send the money he owes by Friday (For our child's birthday).

So, it’s over, for good, no going back (his words) and I know I can’t let it happen again if he does try. I feel like I’ve been used, I feel like there is someone else. I know he may not have been good to me or offer me anything but I love him. He is my first love and wanted it to be my only. Now I am nearing 30, with a 4 year old and struggling with heartbreak. It hurts, a lot.

I don’t know what to do!