On being friends and other things...
So I recently got out of my longest relationship to date (it was 8 months, not terribly long for some people, but hey, it was my longest) and it was mostly mutual.
Both my partnerand I had started to become distant, he especially, and our communication broke down and then I was alerted about a post he made on a fairly anonymous, but public forumabout how he felt the relationship wasn't going anywhere etc and wanted to break up.
I was really angry and hurt upon seeing that and I didn't quite want to break up, I had just finally gotten into my new apartment (I had been couch surfing for two months and it was really stressful managing sleep/having a place to sleep with two part time jobs), but I had planned to ask him for some space. After reading that though, I felt like breaking up might be the better thing to do.
So we met up for drinks and dinner, and we discussed the relationship and I also brought up the post, which he (and I give him brownie points for this) admitted to posting without getting defensive, admitted that it was immature and that I didn't deserved to be publicly shamed like that (even though no personal information about myself was revealed). We also discussed that he felt unfulfilled (unfortunately I never found out why, but I can bet that it was emotionally as out sex life was actually pretty damn great for both of us) and that I needed some time to myself.
Anyways, the topic of remaining friends came up and at first I was really adamant about not being friends because what he had wrote and posted REALLY hurt my feelings and my pride and made me angry. But then all the walls came down when he started crying when he said he wanted to be friends because this was the happiest relationship he had had.
And now I'm crying again thinking about it, wonderful... We ended up walking around the town I live in for about an hour and a half, crying together....I've been through break ups before, but this was the saddest, most emotional, and frankly most confusing of them all, but it's also been the most civil...
I've had a hell of a time adjusting to not being able to share his company anymore because he was my best friend for the last eight months and it has me feeling incredibly sad, but more afraid that even though he still wants to be friends that I may not be able to do that...
I mean, it's not to say that I am not friends with any of my exes, one of my closest friends is my ex, but I only dated him a month to be fair.
Anyways, I guess what I want to know is, does anyone have advice and transitioning from lovers to just simply friends? Or even advice for adjusting to losing a close friend/lover? I felt so much more closer to him and more like myself than I had with other people in my past relationships so I'm having a really hard time dealing with that...
I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time. I'd love to be able to offer you some comfort and tell you that things will be fine, however, those would be just empty words. What I can say, though, is that I think it's always best to do what YOU feel like. Take care of yourself first, at all times. If you don't think you can transition into a friendship with this man, then tell him so. I'm sure he'll understand. Maybe you could take a break for a while and see if you can see him as a friend after some time goes by? Whatever you decide to do, try to put your well-being first. Good luck and stay strong :)
Hi! I'm really sorry you're going through this. I don't know whether it will be any help but I feel like I am going through a situation very similar.
My boyfriend and I have just split up about 3 weeks ago after being together for 6 months (like you, I know this doesn't seem long for some people but i assure you, a time scale does not mean anything!) Previous to this I was with an ex for 2 years so I know what a long term relationship feels like...and a breakup... But compared to my 2 year relationship, this breakup has felt 100% harder. It was his decision and came totally out of the blue,
We were so happy all the time (he was forever telling me that I was perfect to him) I had never felt closer to anyone, and we were planning a holiday together in the next coming week....
Like you the hardest part is adjusting to not having them in your daily life, I shared absolutely everything with my ex, we were best friends and it seems impossible to forget that. I have had the same conversations with my friends about being friends with him. This is the first time I have ever felt that I wanted to be and could be friends. But as I've had pointed out, there are factors to consider.
Firstly think about why you want to see him/ talk/ spend time/ share at the moment? remember you are still hurting, and when you hurt you want to go to the person you feel closest, unfortunately that might still be him. You will most likely just want a bit of the normality and comfort that you were used to. And this is normal..it just might not be helpful for your recovery :/
I really feel the hardest part of this is in the beginning, resisting temptation to see or talk. That's what I'm going through at the minute, sometimes its seemed impossible, and I've even written out a txt but luckily people have kept me on track. I know I'm waiting till I feel like I can think, I genuinely just want to know if he's doing good. I was told, when you can imagine them with someone else, and that feels ok, then you can be friends! (easier said than done!!)
My ex did exactly the same, broke down we cried together, it was heartbreaking. He wants us to be friends, and I do at some point, but I needed space. And the more space I have now, the more I realisethat he really has hurt me. Because I felt that as a friend as well as a partner I was let down and given no indication that the relationship wasn't working for him anymore. The speed that he turned his feeling around makes me find it difficult now to feel that he is the friend that I knew.
This might sound trivial, but you may have similar feelings? I do feel that this will change, And I can't help but look forward to a time when we can hang out, because I do miss him. But as hard as it has been so far (its definitelyno picnic!) The best advice I could have been given, and supported through, is concentrating on YOU! At first I kind of hated it when people said that to me!! But I get it now. You need to be ok with you and happy with yourself, and make sure that you are not blaming yourself for anything that has happened.
Basically Put yourself in control. I found the best thing was to make a list of things I was going to do, that filled the gaps where I would usually be with him. Just simple things like, seeing friends/family, organisingdrinks, do those little things you've been meaning to do, BUY NEW THINGS FOR YOUR ROOM! or change your room around :) meditate, or start yoga. Then after time you'll be like...yeah I'll meet up with him. By then you'll have probably met your future Mr Right :) Hope my ramblings have helped in some way??
Wow, that response helped SO much. I feel exactly the same and surprisingly I am going through almost the same timeline ( dating someone for 6 months and then sort of distancing himself for no reason but still wanting to be friends). It is extremely difficult because I did confide in him because he was so close to me and now I feel like that crazy girl who can't leave the guy alone but really I keep searching for answers that won't ever be answered. I just try to keep focusing on the day that I will find someone else who made me feel the way I felt with him and that those hopes will come true in time.