Parents in Turmoil

@LostBug,

Being a parent to a teenager and a twenty-one year old, and having seen other parents, friends of mine, go through this, I can completely understand how you feel. Rather than tell you how to deal with it, I'll try and tell how your parents are probably feeling, so you can understand them and perhaps find a way to deal with it. So, let me talk to you as if I am your Dad (I'll assume you are male).

Son, yes, things are not great between Mom and me. It's good that you brought this up with me, so let me talk to you about it.

You perhaps know by know that I have been seeing and having a relationship with a colleague of mine. Your Mom knows as well. I find this colleague beautiful, witty and a great companion for me. I love Mom, but after 25 years of being married to one person, people do develop some familiarity and taking for granted. There may be minor disagreements and dislikes about each other, but when the same irritants are played over and over again over a long time, they tend to fester and blow up into contemptuous feelings. I have made attempts to put up with this and have a cordial relationship, and I do know that Mom has tried as well. But we also have known enough about each other to say that it's really unlikely that this will ever work.

So why don't we just end it? It's far easier said than done. For one, a big one, there's you. That's one thing in common we have, and both of us want to see you succeed and grow up to be a great, successful person. At this moment, we feel that our breaking up is not going to help. What would work best for you, we know, is Mom and I getting back to a more normal, happily married relationship. But as I said, that's unlikely to happen, even though we do put in a little effort. But a break up is going to make it far worse than what it is today.

The other thing is our family as a whole. There's the house, the finances, the comfort of having one another. A break-up is going to mess all this up too. It's really not worth it.

Let me just say that the current situation is not ideal, but the best we can put together. We understand how you feel, but I want you to know that we are also human beings with our own aspirations, emotions and feelings. We do want you to be happy, but not at the cost of our own happiness. Kids do see parents as role models and infallible many a time, but that's just not true. I think you are now at an age where you have started realizing that we are regular, human beings too, with our own flaws.

From my side, I promise to love you and be there for you. And I can, with reasonable confidence, say that Mom feels that way too. But I'm afraid we can't be a couple any longer, however much that may hurt you.

Again, I am glad that you brought this up. I hope you can have this conversation with Mom too and see what she says. And when bringing it up, please do it like you did with me - be non-judgemental and only talk about your own feelings about what's going on. That you are scared that things are breaking apart, and that we don't seem to be a family any longer. And that my affair, you feel is the root cause.

Yours lovingly,

Dad.