Post Breakup Forgiveness
A Year ago, my mom was diagnosed with Cancer. Three family members had died in the previous three months, and I was frankly speaking, a wreck. I called up my then girlfriend of four years, and told her I need her now more then ever. I imagine some of you can guess where this is going. She left. Someone who talked about what she wanted to name our future kids, who told me she loved me every night, who would talk about the wedding ring she wanted from me, just left. Immediately after, she started dating another guy.
To this day, I keep blaming myself. If I had been stronger, maybe she wouldn't have left. And I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for breaking down so much, that someone who loved me the way she did just left like that. I'd really like to forgive myself.
@courageousBeach7622
I know it's hard not to relate what happened with the breakup and the tragic circumstances of your losses, but it's possible she could have wanted to leave before. It's also possible that perhaps she was not as strong as you were hoping for, which is totally not your fault. Regardless, what good is it to blame yourself for something that was completely out of your control? That you were a victim in, no less. You have been through a horribly tragic time and if someone who claimed to love you, left you in your time of need, shows that they wouldn't have been it in for the long haul. Right now that probably doesn't mean much but it's better to know that now than later. Believe me, I know.
I hope happier days are ahead for you, take care ♡
@courageousBeach7622 I hope your mom is doing better and that she gets all of the help modern medicine can offer. I'm also sorry about the family members you've lost. Grief is an emotion that's difficult to deal with and finding a way to navigate through daily life while feeling that sense of loss is a process that can be long and painful. Wanting to forgive yourself is understandable. But what is there to forgive? You were in pain and turned to your girlfriend for support. To me, that's not weakness. It takes strength and courage to ask for help. It's easier to just push people away, to shut them out, pretend you're okay, and drink to avoid your pain. Weakness is abandoning the people you love. What if the roles were reversed? What if your ex needed your support? Would you think she lacked strength if she was affected by the loss of someone close to her? She didn't leave you because you were weak. She left because she was weak. She didn't have the strength, compassion, patience or courage to stand beside you when you were hurting. Don't let her leaving make you feel like needing support was wrong. Any relationship worth keeping means being able to support each other, to give and receive kindness, especially when life is hard. I hope you eventually see that the thing you're trying to forgive yourself for is actually something that makes you stronger and more special than your ex ever was.
@courageousBeach7622
Don't blame yourself anymore because, I hate to say that, she might've thought of leaving you even before what happened. Don't even think about you being weak. I mean, if you get into such a situation, any person would seek support, that's completely normal. That's not weak.
@courageousBeach7622
Im sorry you had to go through that, I can't imagine the pain and hurt, all I can say is that if you're here, it shows youre on the right path. All I can say is that she didn't deserve you. She probably did love you just not the same way, and if she left, its because she problably wanted to leave before, she just wasnt going to go thorugh the hassel for you. In a sense, you won! You dont need people like her in your life, people are supposed to add good things to your life. Let her go, you deserve better. Don't blame yourself! You did nothing wrong. Your love was tue, sincere and honest, something you should never feel ashamed of. You will meet someone who will love you and deserve you. Cheer up! You can do it! :)
I want to believe she might have left even if I was stronger. But the day we had broken up, she was talking about all these things we would do in the summer, and how we would go to new york for new years. She still said "I love you" just as often. I can't believe she would have wanted to leave
@courageousBeach7622
Regardless of whether she left due to the circumstances or she wanted to leave beforehand, it is what it is. You can't change what happened, because it was not in your control to. You showed her a certain amount of trust and vulnerability, you needed her to be there for you. That alone takes a massive amount of strength. It sounds like you were the one that was failed, not her.
@courageousBeach7622
Don't focus in trying to understand why she did what she did. You will never get that answer, just focus on your future and yourself. Sometimes people get scared of difficult situations. Maybe she got scared, or felt pressured, or she wasnt ready to commit in that way with you. Let her go. You can only focus on the good things you did, you will never regret that. It hurts, I understand, but you cant focus on the WHY. Things happened this way for a reason or a lesson, and its always for the best.
@FreeBird502
That reminds me of what a friend said when I got back together with an ex; "It's either a lesson or a blessing." For me, it was both.
@TrueArrow Youre right and its always for the best. People in our lives help us learn things and if they stay and add good things to our lives, its a blessing.
@FreeBird502
I know I'm going off on a tangent here (I promise I won't hijack the thread TOO much lol) but I was in a toxic relationship with someone. The reason why I say it's a blessing and a lesson, is because I went through some really horrible stuff after the breakup. I suffer from chronic health issues and my mother suddenly passed away in June of this year. I was a total mess (I still have my days) but I wouldn't have known how strong I am, if I continued to stay in that relationship. For me, that was the blessing, despite going through such a horrible time. I have learned to rely on myself for comfort and stability, something that I felt my partner could only provide. I know everybody is different but I believe that difficult times can show the best in others or the worst.
I'd like to share a poem here that helped me tremendously.
After a while – Veronica A. Shoffstall
After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesnt mean leaning
and company doesnt always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses arent contracts
and presents arent promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrows ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…
@TrueArrow
What a beautiful poem. Im sorry for your loss. I cant imagine what youre going through. Im actually getting over a toxic relationship as well right now and your poem made me feel warm and gave me strength. ❤️
