Pushed away when his depression got bad

My (ex)boyfriend, we'll call him J, and I started dating in July 2019. We had chatted vigorously online, and I found him fascinating. We had so much in common; plants, fishing, several of our big life goals, and a ton of other hobbies. We met up for coffee on our first date, and that coffee date lasted well into the afternoon. Though we lived 1.5 hours away from eachother, a few more dates led to a budding commited relationship and all the warm fuzzy moments that come from new love.

Fast travel forward to around Christmas, when I first noticed his depression. He became withdrawn, wouldn't reply as much, and dodged my enquiries about his holiday plans. I found out that Christmas had been quite difficult with his father growing up, and he didn't enjoy the season at all. To make things easier for him, I celebrated the holidays away from him, and we were both content with that.

Forward again to March, and I wanted to move in together. I was taking on the lease of an entire house, and wanted nothing more than for him to share it with me rather than getting a roommate. He resisted, giving me half answers, and the way he struggled with communicating his feelings was starting to become a bit frustrating for me. I eventually found out that his last relationship had ended dramatically with his ex, whom he had moved in with, forcing him to come move his stuff out after he had worked a 12 hour shift at his job (which was a 2 hour drive from their home). Here is when I realized that he was carrying the baggage from past relationships with him instead of processing the trauma; something that would show itself on several seperate occasions such as when he would refuse to watch a scary movies with me (didn't like the way "women" reacted to horror movies based on his experience with an ex.)

At this point, I mentioned my observations to him and suggested he should consider therapy. He agreed it could help, and admitted he suffered from depression. I thought this would be a turning point.

As the pandemic started to effect the lives of us and those around us, J withdrew from me "for my own safety". His job is shift work, 7 on 7 off, and already I was feeling the strain. He was only interested in spending 2 of his days off together, and then I wouldn't see him at all until his next set off. I was quickly falling for the gentle-natured and sweet man before me, but I needed more time with him. His choice to pull away had me not seeing him at all for almost an entire month. A rift developed there for me, especially when during an emotional discussion he responded with "maybe you should just break up with me then" instead of sharing his thoughts on the matter. I had been left suddenly before by an ex that I had been planning to marry, and the fear of being abandonned by another I loved so deeply created a fear response. This respnse wasn't even something I noticed I was doing until the fall, but I had started to avoid talking about things I thought might upset J ... and it was breaking down communication on my side too.

That summer had it's ups and downs, but it was mostly ups. We fished and went for long walks in the sun. He smiled longingly into my eyes and we expressed our effection openly. I finally told him I loved him (Which is a hard thing for me, but I'm working on it.) Things seemed better. He opened up more emotionally towards me, and I started having hope for a future. Then he ghosted me. We had a discussion about spending more time together, as we had several times before, with the conclusion being I wanted more time with him. It turned into a talk about kids, and how I want him, and he's on the fence about it. The stress triggered something and he just disappeared. I sent him texts, and messages in games we shared, and afterwards found out he read everything I sent, even the stuff with me panicing that I was worried about his physical wellbeing, and just chose not to respond. It only ended when I drove out to his place, and knocked on his patio door (he lives on the lower level of an apartment) until he came out. He was unhappy that I had caused such a scene, and he said he thought we should break up because he wasn't sure he wanted kids because he didn't want them to be hurt by his depression. What an eye-opener that was for me. We stayed together, and I told him that I would support him with tackling his mental helth challenges. Everything went back to being good again.

Halloween was the turning point. I was hosting a little gathering with a small group of friends, and was looking forward to him being there. He texted me that afternoon and said he couldn't even make himself get dressed, and he struggled to get out of bed. He couldn't be around people, even me, and he felt like he was letting me down. My response was one of understanding, I told him not to worry about it, take the day to retreat and gather himself, and then come out tomorrow. The next day he still couldn't manage. Nor the next day. Nor the next. On the 4th day he sent me a text asking me to leave him alone then started ghosting me again. On the 6th day I called him, he picked up, and we had a nice light hearted conversation till my anxiety bubbled to the surface and I started rambling on about how he needed to seek help because being in a dark place for a while week wasn't a good thing. I feel like an idiot, but it happened. He said again that I should just leave him.

We reconciled a few days after that, though he didn't really appologize. I realized his depression was coiling around him tighter than I had ever seen it. He was distant even when we were in the same room. His next set off he came to my house for a visit, we had a nce time, then I sat down with him and old him he needed to seek help. I said that I loved him, and would support him in his recovery, but his action of just sitting there and waiting for the episodes to pass, then not trying to work on recovering and letting the waves hit again without any attempt to lesses the blow on himself .... it wasn't okay because the waves were hitting me too through his actions, and he was becoming emotionally abusive.

It shouldn't be a shock that he said he understood and would think on it ... and then ghosted me for 8 days. Our next contact was November 27th: a phone call from him saying he couldn't be in a relationship right now, he had too much work to do on himself. Then ... he thanked me. I still don't know for what, but he said the words with extreme sadness in his voice. I was heartbroken, told him I didn't want to become strangers, and I wanted to stay in contact. I told him I still loved him.

A couple of times over the next 3 days I sent him texts saying we could work through it, breaking up was a mistake ... but these words came from my fresh wounds and the anxiety of loss. He sounded cold in his responses, the same way he did the few texts he sent when he was full-blown depressed. He told me to leave him alone, and go find someone more suited to what I want. I know he needs time to work on things ... but I also don't think we're wrong for eachother.

Researching something to death is the way I deal with the discomfort of being impacted by things I don't understand. I read everything I could find on male depression, getting through being pushed away by someone that's isolating, and how to support a loved one that is trying to isolate. I've decided to try and give him as much space as I can, but I still want to show him I'm here for him. I personally believe that he broke up with me because seeing the hurt that his actions was causing me became too much. I still believe he loves me. With all of the info I have now, I know I made a million mistakes with the way I handled his mental illness.

My actions so far were to leave him in silence for a week and a half, then I sent a message with a link to a blog I found very useful on male depression, and a "hope your work this past set wasn't too challenging". I'll probably let the silence sit again for a while, maybe until the new year, and send him more support. Perhaps I'm just annoying the living heck out of him. Perhaps I'm makign him feel a littl ebrightness knowing I am still here. I may never know. I still struggle with very deep sadness, but I try and be kind to myself about healing in my own time.