Recently Divorced and in Pain

I’m recently divorced. I wanted the divorce and our divorce is now finalized. We weren’t married long- just a little over 1 year and separated for 1 year. The marriage was so unhealthy; we both made it unhealthy because unfortunately we both had toxic traits within us. The thing is, he doesn’t feel like he did anything wrong. He didn’t think that he did anything wrong while we were married and he still feels the same way, even though the divorce is now finalized. I’ve apologized for my mistakes. I’m trying to become a better woman. He told me that since I wanted the divorce, I deserved to be in pain. He said that I deserve whatever I get since I chose to get divorced and that he doesn’t care to hear anything about how I feel about what happened in our marriage since we’re no longer married.

I tried to be the best wife that I could but there wasn’t a lot that I could do, mainly because of my fibromyalgia. He wasn’t as understanding as he pretended to be while we were dating. I just feel that he had pretended the whole time because he told me that if I knew who he really was, that I wouldn’t have married him. Now he says that he didn’t say that though. Nothing is ever consistent with him. Anything that he says or does that hurts me, he says that he didn’t do or say it. Plus, I realized during the marriage that we just didn’t like each other. I was honest about who I was but since he wasn’t honest about who he was until we got married, I didn’t see the real him until the marriage, so I wasn’t given a real or fair chance to make the best choice in choosing a partner. Everything was a lie, deception.

The last straw for me was when he told me he wanted to sleep with other people. When he said it, I asked him if he was joking(I asked him twice and he said no each time). It wasn’t until we went to see a deacon at my church, that he said he was joking and he’s been saying it was a joke ever since. I don’t believe him though. I’ve never believed him when he said it was a joke because now I can tell when he’s lying. I even tried for a few days to stay and see if we could work it out but my gut feeling kept telling me no and that I needed to leave, so I did.

While we were separated, I did become involved with 2 guys (not intercourse), and I told him about it and apologized for it. I didn’t know that dealing with someone while you were separated was considered adultery. That’s what he calls me now-an adulterous. I also made the mistake of becoming violent towards him out of anger which I’ve also apologized for.

Since the divorce has now been finalized, I had been sending him text messages telling him everything that I couldn’t tell him in the marriage and he still denies everything or says that the hurtful things he said were just jokes. He told me how it made him feel when I sent him those messages and I apologized for sending him the messages. He told me that reading those messages just reminds him of the divorce. I was never trying to hurt him but I needed to get me back. I lost myself in the marriage and it wasn’t until the divorce was finalized that I could see why it didn’t work and why it would never work.

Im not hurt because of the divorce. I’m hurt because even though I know he made his mistakes and hurt me the way that he did, it still seems like everything was my fault. Yes I made my mistakes and I’ve apologized for them but I still feel like a failure. Apart of me believes that maybe he is right; since I wanted the divorce, I deserve whatever bad things happen to me or deserve whatever bad feelings that I may experience. I know in my gut that I made the right decision but I don’t understand why it hurts so bad....

Any feedback would be helpful, especially if you’ve already been divorced or you’re going through a divorce.