Relationship with someone who has BPD
Hey everyone hope you’re all doing well.
so this is the first time i’m trying this therapy stuff, feels kind of weird to me because usually i just tough it out deal with it alone, thats all i’ve ever known but recently i’ve noticed how much my former relationship has effected me mentally, i’ll explain below.
so i’m sure many people here are clued up on mental illness’s more than me but Borderline personality disorder is hell in a relationship, it completely sucked the life out of me, i was always the bubbly, happy smiley guy who every one liked and never had issues, now i’m just an empty shell of my old self.
so i never knew she had BPD until just a week ago, she called me (we have a child together, so some level of contact is necessary) and she explained how she was admitted to the hospital by her family because they noticed her aggresive behaviour and she was diagnosed with this illness, i immediately read about it online and looked for videos about people who have it and how it affects relationships and it was like hearing the exact problems i had going on in my home before the breakup, i felt relief to be honest because i realised i didn’t fail my daughter by leaving that relationship and breaking the family, that the likely hood of a happy household was minimal because she wasn’t seeking any help either (even though i got her a therapist, she refused to go after one session).
but here’s my issue when i looked at the effects of being in a relationship with a BPD individual i realised how deep of a scar she left on me, i’m untrusting, down, sometimes self pitiful, gloomy, have a negative out look on many things and so much more, so i was wondering if there was anyone here who could help steer me in the right direction to healing? Thanks for reading 🙂
TL:DR : just found out ex has bpd and after some research have realised the effect it has had on me, help me understand how i can move on?
Hey I'm sorry about your experience. Dealing with partners who have any mental illness is tough. I think there are support groups for partners. Look up your local branch of NAMI (nami.org).
BPD can be very frustrating for partners, but for us who have it, it's much worse. (I grew up wishing I could divorce myself because it was frustrating seeing people leave.) We don't feel like we can control our emotions and there are strong feelings to do harmful things to ourselves.
Fortunately, it is an illness that can be managed. I have it and I started seeking help for it a few years ago. I learned how to meditate, which helped me become more patient with myself and others, I learned to forgive and love myself which improved my relationships, I do daily affirmations, and I am learning DBT skills. Many people take medication to help control the moods. (I don't.)
There are many resources on the internet (emotionsmatterbpd.org, Dr Fox on YouTube, affordable DBT course on Udemy) and at your library (look for books written by people with BPD) if she cannot afford a therapist. However, I highly recommend therapy for each of you separately as it is a hard thing to go through alone without help (for both partners).
@itsjustmem8,
Thanks for sharing, that takes courage. You have already taken a, huge, first step, being honest to your true self that you have been affected.
I come from a marriage with a beautiful, loving wife who is complicated. One thing in particular happened and something broke in me.
As I don't want to walk around with a deep wound and being on-guard for the rest of my life, I am doing trauma therapy, more specifically EMDR. So far I have not been able to stop the bleeding as the wound runs deep. But I am confident it will help, EMDR has helped me in other related, less hefty, areas. What works for me is to express how a situation feels, where in your body you feel the pain, keep feeling and stepping out of the situation and use self-compassion and compassion to feel the situation from a different perspective. The pain is not ignored and might take time to be fully let in and let go, it definitely helps me.
Take care.
Be glad you got out. Take time for yourself to understand how it really affected you. Spend time with your child since one parent is in the hospital it is important to reassure them. Don’t jump into another relationship.
