Scared to breakup with SO of 15 years, with a 4 year old
Me and my GF have been together for 15 years, since we were 15. All we have ever know is each other. Over the past few years we have drifted apart a vast amount and no longer really get on that well. If I'm honest, I don't think i'm in love with her anymore. I still care for her, and love her, and would never stop. We nearly broke up recently, it was a mutual decision - she even said herself she was relieved at the time. It lasted all of a few days, and then she wanted to try again......
Deep down I didn't really want to, but I feel genuinly scared of change and not being with her. Not only that we have a 4(nearly 5) year old and I'm scared how this will effect him, if we broke up. I will miss him like mad, even though I still see him all the time, but it won't be the same at all. I don't want to destroy his life, or cause him problems down the line. I know staying together for the kids will cause just as much harm though.
On top of all this, I dont want to hurt my GF - it breaks my heart thinking about her being upset and scared too. Although I think she feels the same as me, because of her back and forth decision changing about us breaking up.
I dont know what to do, or face any of this. I suffer with severe anxieties and depression also, so I find it very hard to face these fears and do the right thing for us all.
I hope this is all readable, as not posted on any forum before - about myself anyway.
Thank you
@wsjmdav
Hey there :)
Thank you for sharing your story and worries with us <3 So I want to start off by saying it's really impressive as how loyal both of you are. 15 years isn't a short time, not to mention that you guys got together at the age of 15. However, I also think that has caused a problem for you two, because just like you said, all you guys ever known was each other. Both of you didn't go out and explore the people/option out there a little more, which may have caused you guys to ponder whether being with each other really is the only option.
You guys have built a family, both of you are no longer a teenager. It's clear that you are confused as to what you want, and so is she. Everyone is scared of changes, even a 1 year long relationship could face the same fear you are facing. What do you really want? Indeed, you will never stop caring about her, because she's not just a stranger that somehow walked into your life, but an important person who was with you for all this time. You guys have been through a lot, from teenage to adulthood, and you both should know each other very very well. Talk to her about this, say everything out. Tell her you know she's scared of changes, and so do you, but are you guys truly happy staying in this relationship?
Whatever decision both of you make at the end, you should always still participate in your son's childhood/life. Nothing is going to change that. Maybe taking a break can be good for you guys. Both of you go out and meet new people, explore the part of life you guys didn't get a chance to explore because of each other. Maybe after that, you will have an answer as to what you really want, then you guys can talk about whether this break should be permanent.
Good luck :)
@colourfulBlueberry62 thank you for your response, I've read it over and over......and everything you've said makes perfect sense. The thing is I'm very scared of effecting my son, all i picture is him crying asking where i am or am I coming home. That and the fact that we would have to both move house, because its a big place and no way they could stay in it without me. So all that change, I fear will really effect him. I don't want him to hurt or be sad, it breaks my heart thinking about it.
@wsjmdav
Love, happiness, relationships. It is very important to understand the difference between these words. You can be perfectly happy with someone you can't love. Someone you love might make you very unhappy. Love is an emotion, not a fact. Love follows no logic, rules or expectations. On the other hand a relationship is like a mutual contract that both partners enter with the basic expectation of not being hurt. So even though you love someone you can choose not to be in a relationship with them if it might bring hurt to one or both partners. If you feel the relationship can be discussed to reach a point where it is acceptable to both partners, it might be worth talking about. Communication is the oxygen of any relationship. As you said, you've been together 15 years which is a long time. People grow and change with time based upon their experiences and if communication hasn't ensured that they grow together, a distance is inevitable. It's like living with the person you loved so many years ago but that person evolved into a new being, someone you hardly know or understand.
From what you've shared about her wanting to give it another try even though she seems unhappy, perhaps you both have so many good memories together that it's hard to let go. If that is the case and you both want to try making the relationship work perhaps the connection needs to be re-established by taking some time off from the rest of life and focusing on each other. Knowing and understanding each other and expectations from the marriage will help you both make the best decision for your family.
