Single woman dating a married but separated man
I could write a book about this, but I was dating a guy that’s married. He has been separated for quite some time, and when we first fell in love, I was up front and told him I would want him to eventually get divorced so we could have a future. He reassured me that this is something he would definitely do in the future. 9 months later, he hasn’t even told his wife that he wants a divorce... only that he is seeing someone. He worries about starting drama and life becoming difficult for him because he believes his wife will make it hard on him to see their 6 year old daughter if he mentions divorce. He also is the type of person that avoids conflict at all costs. I asked him many times over the past 9 months to tell me if he thought he wasn’t gonna be able to go through with it, and he would keep making promises but then breaking them. He wants me to stay by his side and stay with him until he feels comfortable moving forward with the divorce, but I don’t feel comfortable with doing that. I need this whole thing to be resolved before I feel ok about things. So after a lot of back and forth and many arguments, I called it quits a few days ago. I would just like to hear from someone that has been in a similar situation because I’m devastated. I know it’s the right thing for me, and I also have a kid I have to think about as well. But knowing all of that still doesn’t help the pain. Someone please help me... how can I get through this?
The pain is unavoidable. But I hope that you take pride in being true to yourself and not lowering your standards for someone who doesn't deserve you. He is making excuses: if he truly loves you, he will want a divorce.
Hey I’m not sure if this is helpful or not but I am in a similar situation but in the situation of your man who you hope will get divorced. I can’t ask for a divorce although I’ve been separated for four years. Counselling has helped me to realise why. But it’s very hard for other people to understand unless they’ve been in the situation. Maybe your man has been in the situation I’ve been in where over the years he’s learned to be afraid, and been emotionally abused. What might seem like to others as being weak or not one to want confrontation may be a psychological condition resulting from having been unable to speak up for fear of the consequences. I have complex post traumatic stress disorder from the way my ex messed with my head. It has taken me SO much strength and help to get to where I am now. I have 5 kids to the guy and my goal was to not let his ‘poison’ (drama) affect us in any way after we left. Too much damage had been done to them already. I have protected them from that so that they can settle and enjoy their lives in peace. I’m very lucky that people saw the situation for what it was and named it up as family violence, my demeanour changed every time the thought of him came up etc, and I got to understand that I was anxious and apprehensive because he had conditioned me that way over the course of our marriage. I know it’s hard to understand but asking me to ask for a divorce is like asking me to put my hand in the dog’s mouth that has bitten me so hard so many times, and not only that....it’s like asking me to put my kids in a situation where I KNOW he will cause them distress and in their words ‘poison’ their peace they have only just started to enjoy. I have a new boyfriend who is completely different and we talk about me not being divorced. We laugh a lot. Just because I’m not divorced doesn’t mean I would go back or even have feelings. To me it means I’ve fought long and hard to get out of the hell of the marriage and I’m safe and happy. My kids are thriving so much more in the new situation but it’s taken an emotional toll and I’m finding my strength for the next battle. I WILL get divorced one day for MYSELF when the right time comes for me to take on the consequences. My boyfriend is understanding and that is what helps me get through even better. He has kids and we can see our kids gaining confidence and momentum in their lives bit by bit so our main goal is to keep what we’ve got as drama free as we can while we can. It works. My ex can’t affect me, and who knows, one day soon HE may want a divorce which I’ll give happily but meanwhile I’m enjoying my life going from strength to strength in my new situation and appreciating the chance to build my confidence and resilience so that whatever comes next with my ex I can bring my best game to I guess. It might be completely different for your man, I don’t know...but just thought I’d share in case he is like me and then you can understand a little.