So hard to deal with this!
MY STORY
Ive been married for almost 17yrs now. About a month ago i found out she cheated with a guy that works under her. She never really left maybe a week and a half. We decided to work things out but, i found she continued the affair the whole time. And in fact she has told him she loves him and is in love with him! Today was the first time she has fessed up to anything...or even talked about it.. she says she wants to get "us" back...the way we were but in the very next sentence says she doesnt know what she wants him or me and needs some time to think by herself. This has ripped the wound open again and it hurts to hear that she doesnt want to leave the new guy. So what do I do here? Shes been my best friend for almost 20 years..and i cant see myself without her! Im very confused!
@Dpnalen I am so sorry you are going through this. Your story sounds very similar to mine. My ex husband of 20+ years cheated on me as well with someone at work and it went on for 3 years after I had found out about it.
When I first found out about it I went into what I like to call "restoration mode." I wanted to keep my family together and I sacrificed all of my values and beliefs in order to do that. I loved him with everything in me and I wanted to restore what we had before the affair. We stayed together for the next 3 years as his affair went on and off the entire time and I found myself slowly realizing that what we had before was no longer what we had now and eventually we went our separate ways.
We still remain good friends now, because in my journey of healing and self discovery, I realized that his mistake did not define the honestly good man and father he was, but I knew in my heart that once he had cheated, everything I thought we were was now in the past. I found myself in a position where I had to determine if I was going to be okay with that and move forward with him in a different way or if I couldn't let go of the pain and destruction it caused and move forward without him.
I know that so many people that have been through an infidelity have made it through on the other side together and are happy, but for me, I couldn't get past that I wasn't enough for him if he was able to do that. I had to understand where I went wrong in the relationship as well to allow for the affair to happen. I realized that even though he had the affair, I also was not present the way I should have been prior to the affair. Please understand that I am not taking on all of the blame for his affair nor am I blaming him completely for it either, but I realized that a relationship takes 2 people who work at the relationship every day together to make it work.
I too could not imagine my life without him in it. I couldn't imagine not growing old with him and that thought stayed with me for years. Now almost 7 years later, I am on my own and single which is something so new and scary to me, but I am learning how to love myself again and really get to a place where I am comfortable. I love him and always will, but I am no longer in love with him and not growing old with him is now okay with me. He has stated that he is still in love with me and has changed in the most positive way and would give anything to be with me and prove that to me, but I just can't get back to that place with him again and had to move forward with him in a friendship/co-parenting relationship and not a romantic one.
Healing takes time and while we are in the midst of the hurt if feels like it will last forever, but I promise you the pain does subside. Right now is the time for you to feel those feelings and try to understand the reasons this may have happened and truly try to understand them. You have to remember your worth and try to put your healing and needs first. You have to love yourself, and believe me, I have had trouble truly understanding what loving myself meant. I think I finally have an understanding of what that means. How can I expect someone to love me unconditionally when I can't love myself. I want someone to love me for all my flaws and insecurities, but I sit there and point them all out to myself all the time, so if I can't accept myself why should anyone else?
You didn't deserve what happened, no one does, but now that it has happened you have to feel that pain and learn from it. You will get through this and you will be alright. Surround yourself with friends and family right now to hold you up as it is so hard to hold yourself up on your own sometimes. And know that we are all here to listen and hold you up as well.
Hugs to you!! 
@Dpnalen
It is not just you, this happens a lot, millions of couples.
It is really hard to fix it. It is possible. The most important thing for you is to heal yourself. Read these two books. You can find them in torrents or bookstores. Everything about what has happened to you is in these books. You must understand what has happened, it is in these books.
No More Mr Nice Guy, By Robert Glover
The Married Man Sex Life Primer, By Athol Kay
Also there is an online reddit group with thousands of guys that have the same issue.
https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/wiki/index
Good luck.
