Sudden divorce

@ABJ1991

That must have been such a shock for you, and left you feeling powerless over a situation that has such an impact on your life. Not only that, you don't have the closure of an explanation of what changed.

A sudden change in our circumstances, with no warning, and no reason given, and no opportunity to understand what happened or to even talk about it to your own husband - is terribly difficult to process. Our brains want to have reasons for everything, so that they can prevent the same pain happening again. Sadly we don't always get that option of being given a reason we can understand or accept.

Sometimes people end marriages because they don't like the person they've become. Sometimes they want to rediscover who they were before they got married. Sometimes people want to discover a new part of themselves. Sometimes they realise they want new and different things for their future, different to what they wanted when they got married. Sometimes they want new experiences that aren't possible in the marriage they are in. Sometimes there is pain they can't express or don't want to express. Sometimes they've been trying or tolerating for a long time and have reached their limit, or have done as much as they can to stay. Sometimes they just feel different and don't know why, and feel it would be dishonest to pretend they want to stay or be married when they no longer do. Sometimes people realise they got married for the wrong reasons. Sometimes people feel like they are living lives of quiet desperation and want to reinvent themselves.

While knowing a reason may help us form a narrative for ourselves of what happened, it doesn't necessarily mean that we will agree with, or even understand, the reasons we are given. Reasons or no reasons, we will have to construct a narrative for ourselves to make meaning of the situation in a way that can help us accept what has happened, and to continue to live a life aligned to what we value, based on what is in our control. Sadly we can't make someone want to stay married to us, if they don't want to.

No matter the reason for your husband wanting a divorce, it won't take away the sense of grief, loss, anger, resentment, betrayal, confusion, and feeling lost that we may feel when one half of a relationship unilaterally makes a decision that affects the whole relationship and everyone in it.

A sudden divorce can sometimes feel like a sudden accidental death, a sudden loss. And the loss isn't just the marriage, it's also the relationship, the life you have together, your identity as a wife, your dreams for your future together.

A grieving process begins, which can entail shock, denial, anger, betrayal, bargaining, pain, guilt, depression, loneliness. And it's a difficult thing to go through on your own.

I hope you will be able to find some support to help you through this difficult experience. Much self care and support will be required, as well as prioritising your needs. Take care, and be kind to yourself.

@ABJ1991

@ABJ1991

I feel sorry to hear that but I don't think it's irreversible, the divorce must be have reasons, since he's been with you for 13 years, it means he loves you so much, but when a man's bottom line collapses, it's very likely What you're going through, I think if you're really loving try to examine yourself and try to be peaceful with your husband. Give him some time to calm down. Divorce is caused by both parties. Although there may be cheating in this, I don't think that can happen.