Why did I do this to myself and what am I suppose to do now?

I have always tried to distance myself from ways to be hurt or let down. I had never been in love; tactfully avoiding it. When feels arouse I'd find myself leavin stepping out the door before I could get hurt. Is this my karma?

I meet him a few years ago; in between my bouts of single solitude. I found him so attractive, smart and funny. I could tell I was falling for the first time thrilling and terrified. I found out he had a gf when he started seeing me. Well you know what they say about men like that; I was getting too close, careing too much. I broke it off first chance. It was only a month give or take. No harm. Probably wouldn't even remember me.

A year passes. I stay single. Work on saving money and myself (physically and emotionally) I start feeling lonely and who happens to find me on dating sate. Him. We go out for drinks and it's like we were never apart. I tooken by his eyes, his hair, touch and warmth. He was so sweet. He'd move and warm up my car in winter time. Rub my feet after work. We'd make dinner together and lay in bed wrapped in eachouther for hours. I felt something I never felt for anyone. I can't even pin down a moment it happened but I was in love. Deeply. Passionate. Comfortable. Terrifying love.

I was lost in him and my fear. I became someone else. One day after using my phone I found messages to other girls.

He broke up with me on the spot. I was desperate. So alone. Lost. In a pain deeper then I had ever felt; even now almost years