Widowed while separated

We were married for about 5 years before we decided to separate. We knew we weren’t good together romantically, we had talked about divorce but neither had the balls to finally call it.

We got married in 2016, had a daughter in 2017 and then he got out of the military moved from our own place in IL to his parents house in CA in the beginning of February 2020..

In July, his parents decided we weren’t a good fit anymore and forced our hand saying that I was no longer allowed to live with them (because I am 4/20 friendly). Then adding that it was only me who had to leave, that my husband and daughter were welcome to stay and continue to live with them. Obviously, he was going to stay on the cozy yacht rather than drown on the inflatable raft with me when we were already struggling to get along. I was devastated, had no car, no family nearby, no job yet as the pandemic had JUST hit, and I had no money of my own because I had been a SAHM since our daughter was born end of ‘17.

October, I finally moved out his parents house I somehow found a way to stay in CA close to my daughter despite the fact everything was extremely expensive, Luckily the breakup was amicable and we ended up better friends than we ever were as romantic partners, we talked almost everyday about random bullshit. he started seeing other people and I did too.

The following February I started getting serious with someone and things were going really well. By July I was talking to my ex about possibly introducing my new person to our daughter as a friend. The week of 4th of July I had my daughter in the back seat next to me and my ex and my love were in the front seat, all of us singing along getting ready for the fireworks. It was amazing!!

A week later I receive a call from my MiL.. my ex passed by his own hand.. a toxic mix of depression, a small break up, alcohol abuse, and Wellbutrin and the father of my daughter was gone. I stood there frozen immediately wondering what the hell happened?!

Im obviously hysterical, but my partner springs into action and started asking all the right questions, what can we do? What happened!? What’s next..

all at once I became a single parent, a grieving widow? and an extremely confused girlfriend..

My partner and I talked about what this meant for us going forward and he understood that we (LB and I) more than likely needed to move back to IL where I had support of my family and that by being with me now meant I was a full time mom and needed to focus on me and my grieving daughter. We talked for a while and several converse about what our relationship meant moving forward and he still chose to be all in and has been all in every day since, and I couldn’t be more grateful!!

But I didn’t expect to feel the way that I do about my ex after his death.. I had mourned our failed marital relationship already, Hell we hadn’t had more than a half assed hug since before we left IL in 2020! Yet I still find myself thinking about that fucker all the time?❤️‍🩹

They say that love never really goes away if it was genuine.. that you’ll have some form of love for that person no matter what happens.

But also understand that when I say I love him still I don’t mean romantically. I mean that fucker was my homie, my dude, he knew me like the back of his own hand, the inside jokes, the growth.. the bullshit that you can only know about a person after 5 years of marriage ya know?

At the same time I love my Current partner more than I have ever romantically loved any other person, he helps me to grow and blossom into the person I know I am to become. He has opened my eyes to forms of intimacy other than sexual that bring us so much closer, we can communicate openly without fear, he loves my daughter as if she were his own and He holds us while we grieve. I can’t thank the universe enough for this amazing man who jumps the moon for us daily despite the fact he is exhausted.

This amazing man has NEVER, not once, made me feel bad, guilty or even said something slightly off hand for grieving him so heavily. Despite the fact that it has to be gut wrenching to see the person you love and give your heart and soul to everyday cry over the death of an ex.. (especially if they’ve never been there themselves) Yet for some reason my brain still lays this THICK layer of guilt and confusion every time an intrusive thought about my ex hits.

Like that I shouldn’t be grieving my him while I’m in my current, thriving and happy relationship, much less while talking to my partner.. But then I talk it out and remind myself that I am not grieving a relationship, I’m mourning the life of a person who I was intertwined with for a 1/5 of my own life..

none of that makes it any less hard or emotionally draining though.. I still end up with some form of guilt..

I more or less just needed to vent I guess.. but if anyone else has been here.. feel free to reach out, I can’t be the only one struggling with something awful like this..