confused feelings and regret

so for context i live in a really small town and dont have many opportunities to connect with people. and for some back story i was in a toxic on and off relationship with someone for 5 years starting in 2020 and ending last month. the toxic part in the beginning came from me being an anxiously attached person and them being an avoidant person..we took time apart and broke up i worked on myself and felt like i grew as i learned more about them but time after time it never worked as they stayed avoidant. However, last year i told them i wanted to be friends with no romance and we grew closer than ever. we talked constantly, they called me when they got anxious, we told each other our biggest fears, challenges, anxieties, and connected much deeper than before. i ended up telling them i loved them and it ruined our friendship. they claimed they knew the entire time and took advantage of my kindness. so after that we stopped talking again..of course i missed them. for five years ive been in love with this person and accepted my feelings for them were just a part of me because i genuinely adored them as a person..despite everything i thought very highly of them and held them dear to my heart. i still do. Anyways, last month marked six months and i was faced with many challenges such as feeling like i would never move on or connect with someone else but i was doing okay-ish. unfortunately they also texted me last month and told me they realized how horrible they treated me all these years, realized they had very strong feelings for me, and would wait forever for me to forgive them or accept their feelings. i was hesitant obviously, but i love(d) them too i have this whole time. after some talking i told them i had feelings for them still but i was scared. so for two days everything was perfect they kept telling me everything ive wanted to hear for five years..but soon after they mentioned they were anxious and eventually told me they want me in their life but they arent good enough for me because they dont know how to love themself so they cant love me. i told them how ive felt since 2020 and then ended with telling them to leave me alone forever because loving them and not being able to be with them is too painful and not allowing me any space to grow or find someone that will love me in all the ways they cant. i know what i said was the right thing to say..but i cant help it. four weeks later i want to reach out to them and apologize for saying stuff so extreme because i miss them. rationally i know i only miss them because im scared ill never find someone that accepts me for me the way they did because im a 23 year old chronically online lesbian with an anxiety disorder, no job, and no license (but im a full time graduate student) in a small town where theres not many other queer people. but i also wish we could have been friends because of how much we have in common. i keep wanting to reach out even though i know its the worst move for me to make no matter how much i miss them because its always going to end with me loving them too much and them not loving me the right way..i hate knowing we love each other but arent good together. i want to reach out so so bad its all thats on my mind even though i know its for all the wrong reasons. for crying out loud i wasnt even happy to hear they loved me last month. im just so regretful for the wrong reasons and i keep almost texting them but stopping myself soon after realizing how it would turn out. i feel so hopeless and controlled by the way they manipulated and loved bombed me for YEARS..but i cant help missing them also. i hate these feelings so much. does getting over someone you love so much it feels like you were destined to love them get easier?? because right now even with taking all the measurements to stay away and stop thinking of them, it still feels as painful as the day they first left.