i want to let him go and be happy without worrying about him...
I am an independent girl and i have never ever given a guy priority over my own self. I have always put my feelings first before anyone else, i may also be a little selfish because i never care how much certain people like me , i am moody and behave according to my mood with no concern for others. Never have i said sorry to anyone or talk about feelings with anyone. not even my best friends. i tend to keep everything inside. i feel if i show my vulnerability i might be percieved as weak, so i try to be a cynic in all things relating to love and relationships in front of everyone. which is not to say i am extremely friendly, i like talkin to people i just dont like gettin close to them and i never have. i always keep a certain distance when it comes to people and if a guy starts showing extra care for me i get irritated and i shut them out.
Now! thats what i am in real and what i have been all my life and what i am with every single person around me .. except one!
the irony! i fell in love with somebody who was exactly like me. somebody stubborn headstrong and exactly everything i described myself as. at the beginning it was so nice because we understood each other so well. and then the problems started. he started gettin angry for small things like if i hang out with friends to party or if i dont reply to his messages right away or if i talk to other guys(like i said m extremely friendly so i talk to everyone nicely) . and usually i wouldnt give a damn but when he got angry or upset i felt something in my heart like ?i shouldnt do things to make him upset? which was weird for me because i have never ever thought like that even for my family. he kept implying that i didnt care for him enough or like him as much as he did so i felt it was a necessity to do everything to prove to him how much i care. i dont know why i found that behaviour of his appealing (maybe its because all my life guys have tried to be so nice to me and when he got angry it was something new and i kinda felt a rush) i felt like he was angry becasue he loves me too much and i tried to do everything he wished just to prove to him too that i love him just the same.
so just for him i totally changed from this tough girl who didnt care about anyone to this girl whose life revolved around him. everything i did , i did it for him. and i loved him a lot. i felt so happy buying things for him(i have never bought a gift for anyone in my life), i felt so happy making him happy, i felt happy just changing my whole self for him, i felt happy discarding my friends for him, i felt happy just living only for him. because i felt so happy with him.
and then he left me.
he left me because he said his family will never allow us. he left me even after i begged him not to. before he left me he told me that we were not gonna happen so i asked him that until the time he is in the same city with me to just be friends so that it would be easier when he actually leaves. he didnt allow it. he got mad everytime i brought up the topic of just being friends. so i didnt.
when he finally left he still wanted to be friends and be same as always. but he never ever said it by himself. i had to figure it by myself what he wanted. i was obviously heartbroken and i cried and everything and everytime i cried and said something he would get angry and stop talkin to me for weeks and i would calm down n say sorry eventually for crying. now its been 6 months and i have been better.
i have forgiven everything he did and didnt do. i have accepted it. but just very recently he got pissed off because i replied to his messages late. i was sleeping and another time my network was down and he got angry and stopped talking to me. i apologised for that many times and still he ignored me and said he needs time i got pissed off as well because i felt i didnt need to please him anymore since we arent together anymore so i told him that he hurt me in ways he doesnt know. to that he replied lets stop talking forever.
and i can never stay angry at him so after a few days i texted him , not apologetically but just casually hoping he will respond too. but he didnt. every since then i have been tryin to get him to talk and he is being indifferent and told me to leave him. he said he misses me but he wont talk to me becasue he doesnt want to.
so i thought about it and i realised he must be hurt and i start thinking its time to let go. he doesnt share his feelings with anyone so i know he must be suffering alone and that makes me worry about him. i want him to be happy and i want him to not have bitter feelings for me.
i accept that we need to stay away from each other but i want us to have a good goodbye, not this bitter hateful one.
but i just cant get myself to let him go. i worry that he must be sad and need me. i worry tat if i move on i may never care for him again. i worry that i may never see him again. i want us to be platonic friends and i want us to have an understanding and depart with respect in honor of all the good times we had. but he doesnt seem to want it.
and that makes me cry and hurt.
ps. i have always wondered why he cant change for me if i could change everything for him. for him whatever i do for him is never enough. he has a major anger problem and i have asked him to be a little cool about it but he says he has a dead heart when angry. but i dont understand if he really cares for me how can he stay angry at me?
This guy sounds a bit like my husband actually! He wants you to have no friends, revolve everything around him, and gets mad if you don't put all your attention on him? I'd be contradicting myself if I give you any advice b/c I know my marriage is screwed up, but .. I kind of learned over the years that my husband is like that b/c he's very insecure, had issues in his childhood that he still won't tell me all about, and he is controlling/suffocating b/c he's insecure that I'm going to leave. Men try to change their wives/girlfriends according to how they want them to operate so they can control them. Don't be a dummy like me lol. You can do a lot better. I've dealt w/enough drunken rampages .. but I'm still married to the guy. Love is really complicated I guess! :)
i know that he is insecure and i really want to help him.. but he wont let me... i just want him to be happy.. i dont want him to suffer like this because as much as i am suffering.. i know he must be suffering in his own way all alone.. n that makes me worry... should i not worry?
I want you to know that it's posts like this that I get to take the situation and say "Oh, what year was that when that happened to me?" For me, it was 1989. Yes, I am old. get over it. 
Met the personof my dreams and changed for that person.
Or so I thought. But the reality is, I didn't change for that person. I revealed who I really was andgot hurt in the process. I look back and I can see where there was no way it was going to work. I mean, I look back NOW. For years, I decided no relationship, and the cave that I was in, the unfeeling cynic that I was, that my parents were, that's who I was before I met that person and I became even worse after.
The one thing that screwed things up, and I think you did it too, is you loved with fear. You wanted so badly for him to stay that you went over the top. You KNEW he wasn't going to give back what you gave to him but you figured if he gave at least a little, you would be okay. But then, it all went wrong. I wonder if you really look at it objectively if you ever really had a chance.
When we get in that mode, we will tolerate mistreatment and disrespect. We tolerate being ignored and the indifference of a mate. It's a mess, because we go into a helpless mode, the other person can do anything to us and we just come back for more.
Fast forward 10 years In 1999, 10 years later, I met the person of my dreams again and this time, and this is very VERY important; no effort. I mean, NONE. That person was, is, and always will be as much a part of my existence as my right hand. The odd part is I was still a cynic when I met this person, as they were as well in some ways. Over the years, we have both softened. Since we have each other, the fear of loving is not there. We have become very loving people. Now, i love that person, and all people really, with out fear. If you hurt me, that is something I will sort out but I won't be forced into being an unloving and ungiving person. That's not who I am. I love to brighten days and be that person that people want to talk to. I spent decades pushing love away, depriving myself of really the only thing that matters; love.
One more thing, for what it's worth. . All of the things that are outside the scope of heartfelt love and caring, from sex to money, from riches to weight; none of it matters. I only care about someone's heart, including my mate. It has made my life a whole lot easier.
My experience. I wish you the best.
i know.. i understand our problems.. n earlier i resented him a lot but now i have forgiven everything and i just want him to be happy.. i want us to accept that we can never ever work out like this.. but he is adamant.. he always gives excuse to his anger and doesnt want to talk about things and work it out.. n becasue of this i know how much he suffers.. i just want us to be good friends becasuei care for him a lot.. but everytime i start talkin sense about facts he goes hyper and gets angry n i end up feeling guilty.. will he ever understand?
You're right! And what about trust? The less trust one person has, the more likely the relationship is to fail?
