me then me and him now me

I met him the day after I decided I was going to stop trying to find someone, I had decided to face it, not everyone is relationship material, as clearly evidenced by me. Then I met him. He was not my "type" in looks, occupation, personality, but he was bold (asked me out in the middle of a gaggle of women), cute and funny. I thought what the hell. Both 40 something what's to lose?

We went on a date the next night (I was free), then he asked me out again for the next day and 3 days later that date ended, no sex just conversation and food and fun. Six months later we were living together. He gets a job in Korea. When I tell him it is too soon and I didn't want him to go, he said I was making him feel bad. So I shut up and was supportive. He proposes before he leaves. A month later he is in the US for a training, but won't fly 3 hours to come home. I am hurt and furious.

Six months pass. I'm paying all the bills, mine and some of his, hanging on by a thread and out of an additional $10K he used for his lawyer and school and credit cards. he takes money from my account "to help me save" when I needed it while traveling. I thought our account had been hacked. it wasn't he was "helping me". I have flown to korea, to georgia, to san antonio, anywhere he is. At about 7 months, I was angry and behaved terribly. he spends 3 hours on the phone telling me he is sorry and that we will be better. I believe him. But then He won't come to see me even when his kid is at summer camp. I childishly stop answering his calls for 3 days, after telling him I am mad as hell but I love him.

Meanwhile we are waiting to hear about a job overseas, in a country that I wasn't that excited about but that would let him start his business and go to school while we saved money. That's out plan, a couple of years and we would be ahead.

The job finally comes through, I call him (10 days after he begs me, but a few days after I start speaking to him again) he says nothing. The next day he says he took a job in afghanistan. How? WHY? HOW? I get nothing. He just tells me its over.

I cry and plead. Tell him he is angry and pouting, that he will get over it. For two months, he calls me everyday, it feels like it used to. He tells me I am still his best friend. I say of course I am, wait was that a question or a statement. It feels so GOOD. He says you never know what will happen, maybe we will be in country together. I continue to pay his expenses. I do everything I can think of. I am stressed and pissed but try to stay calm. I finally had it. I tell him 9 weeks I have been waiting for him not to be a baby anymore. He just laughs. He wants me to mail the last of his stuff, know where things are being store etc. I am moving across the world, his used soap is not high on the list of my priorities. I get in country and I admit it. I explode! He was the answer to my security questions. I am constantly reminded I planned my hopes and future on him. Oh and because he is gone, I get to tell everyone he broke up with me. He hasn't been innocent, in fact he has been not nice to me as well, but I can only speak about what I did and how I felt. I know I was wrong often and behaved poorly sometimes.

I don't know how to stop thinking that we have a future. How do I let go of everything? I miss him, I miss my friend, I miss planning for a future, feeling like a couple and not like a failure who can't keep a man. Is it my ego? Is it the money? Is it the failure? Is it the mix of love and losing my friend? Every time something happens I can't wait to tell him, but I can't. I don't know if it is the life changing move or the fact that it is a clear indication that we aren't together. It doesn't help that he is on all of my paperwork. And all of my friends (the friends before him) know that I didn't want to go abroad again, that the only reason why I am was oing was because of him, because of our future. I don't even know how to plan without him. I want the future we planned. I can't seem to accept it's over...in my heart of hearts I don't think it is, but I am so tired of crying and being sad.