venting about lost love

i still love her so much. 

almost a year later. after dates with others and falling in and out of love with others. after feeling like i healed. 

we were friends after the breakup and i loved it. but one day i got ghosted for many months. i recently found out it was because she still had feelings for me. and when she has feelings for someone, she wants a relationship, but she doesn't want a relationship with anyone. she's done with relationships. intimacy is too intense for her. commitment is scary. she's an avoidant. the more we push-pulled, the more addicted a got.

there's no reality where she knows what she wants. where she's ready to settle down. where my love won't be overwhelming for her. 

i love her so much but i can't even interact with her. it's a doomed fate. the short high unmatched by anything on earth following by the hardest, reality-shattering heartbreak.

and now i'm left feeling broken. damaged. can i only be attracted to avoidance? will i find someone i click with like that again? she was the only one i could ever get off with and it was easy with her. i never felt intimately comfortable with anyone else before and since her. 

we clicked on so many hobbies and interests and beliefs and made each other laugh and ive never met someone who can make me feel like that. and the stronger i feel about her, the more she wouldn't want me due to desperation and pressure. it's a sad contradiction. i need to find someone that will let me love them. and isn't afraid to be vulnerable with me and let me into their world. 

one day i hope to be stronger and find that type of love. otherwise, i just don't want to be integrated into society. i just want to live on the sidelines observing. feeling like that's it's not my place to be connected into a network. to be integrated, seen, accepted. that's all something i will be able to see but not touch. a world inside my own head where i can construct a reality where love can freely flow from myself into the world at large and back into myself. no attachment. floating on a sea teeming with life just below the surface.