very lost
I think my girlfriend may break up with me.
sorry this is kind of long if anyone could give their input i'd greatly appreciate it,
We had an argument a few weeks ago and only really just started talking to each other like normal again in recent days, so things are already touchy. But today we were talking fine & suddenly her texts were cold & distant like she was pissed off at me, i asked her if something was wrong & she said nothing was wrong, i asked if i had done something and she said no..but the way she was talking was like i had.
I thought she was ignoring me (am i wrong to think that? especially after her treating me in this exact way the past few weeks she was mad at me?) but it turns out she was just in a bad mood & dealing with something. She is going through some things right now and dealing with alot of emotions, so she went distant to deal with it. (although i always let her know that i am here if she wants to talk, i do understand sometimes u just need alone time).
After i made sure she was okay, i asked her if in the future she could communicate to me that she was feeling down & just needed some time to herself because the sudden unexplained coldness and distance had made me anxious, she said she can't tell me when she is upset or needs space to herself, that she doesn't even know when she is feeling off or need space. I tried to find an alternate way she could communicate it to me that she was just in an off mood but she didn't like any suggestion & got more and more frustrated that i wanted her to communicate it to me. She said i don't care about her & that im more worried about whether or not shes ignoring me or if i pissed her off and got mad at me assuming she was ignoring me when in reality she was dealing with stuff. But i didn't know she was dealing with anything at the time because she had told me nothing was wrong, she said i should have thought that maybe she wasn't okay and needed space. Should i have thought that? because she told me nothing was wrong i wasn't sure what was happening, even though i could feel something was definitely off i wasn't sure if i was imagining it or not but since she was acting the same she does when she's upset with me i assumed that she was ignoring me & upset with me.
My intentions were to better communication around why she isn't talking to me and it turned into a massive argument because she got frustrated that i wanted her to "tell me how she's feeling when she doesn't even understand herself" when all i meant was a quick "hey i need alone time" or "im having trouble responding to messages", but she got mad at me expecting so much from her when she's struggling. I just didn't want to be talked to harshly & feel anxious and hurt constantly. I don't understand how she can send harsh messages but not one saying she's just taking time for herself? is it the vulnerability? i tried my best to understand & didn't voice my confusion to her, but i am confused. i thought maybe it would be a good idea if there was more communication because i could have also been more supportive had i known what was going on.
Am i in the wrong for asking for this? she seems to be really and hurt and angry at me i don't know if we will survive this fight, did i really expect too much? is my thought process here messed up? should i have just delt with the anxiety and sucked up my hurt feelings? should i not have been thinking about how i felt? I really do care about her alot.
Sup. So I am new here, therefore I hope you understand that I am not the best at this, but I will try to help. Sorry for a long post.
1. Communication issues. I would suggest to create a communication alternative that you both feel comfy with. (The top 3 reasons people breakup: no communication, no love, no time)
2.Psychologist for her. And couples therapy or group couseling to learn how to communicate in arguments etc.(I do not know you, but she sounds like it would benefit her. I wish her all the good luck).
3. You have the freaking right to have feelings("the walk it out method" will just make frustrated etc. over time), demand boundaries, have expectations to feel safe and I suggest not to listen to the whole this is what you should think "insert here". You are your own person.
4.You are not there to guess how she feels, telepathy is impossible. And trust me people have tried.
5. I suggest to find out if this relationship is worth it to you. Maybe you are better off without her? See 6.
6. The 4 boxes to determine what you look for in a partner.
Box nr.1: Necessary! (To make me happy)
Absolutely must have / be.
Here we write characteristics that are absolutely necessary for us, that we cannot do without.
For example, he must be ready for a relationship, have a job, have his passion, caring, male / female, dont/want children, or already have children, in fact anything that is close to your heart.
Box nr.2 It would be nice if...
It would be nice if he had / was.
Here we write characteristics that are important to us, but we can do without them. For example, it would be nice if he dressed well, kept things tidy, was a believer, thrifty, etc.
Box nr.3 I can manage this.
Here we write characteristics that we do not like, but are willing to compromise with, since we all have flaws.
For example, a messy person, an atheist/a religious person, eats meat/vegan, swears, has a lot of male/female friends and sees them often, does not play sports, does not read, etc.
Box nr.4 Non-negotiable (flaws, circumstances that I am not able to accept).
Here we write characteristics that are absolutely excluded, non-negotiable.
For example: addicted, a homebody, married, has children from a previous relationship, does not want to have children, engages in political activities, is jealous, does not take me seriously, unstable etc.
And remember the more you add to 1 and 4 the harder it will be to find a partner. But you are important too, for that reason think of yourself too.
The link is in polish, but it goes from left to right 1 to 4.
Good luck!
https://emocje.pro,wp-content,uploads,2015,09,idealny-partner-cechy-idealnego.pdf