what should i do now

I just officially broke up with this guy today. I think it’s really final now. We were on again, off again for a couple of months now, and it’s been painful each time I try to make the decision to stop talking to him. Sometimes he reaches out to me, sometimes it’s me that texts him, but we restart that cycle all over again.

I finally put my foot down today, and he kind of turned the conversation around on me. Supposedly, I wasn’t allowed to text him first because I was the one who tried to break up, but he was allowed to text me because it’s what he wanted. It reminded me of an argument we had once, about me going to my friends about my concerns. Apparently, I shouldn’t have done that because it was a matter we should have dealt with privately. But when he goes to his friends about us, it’s fine because he’s just getting advice and a different perspective.

Looking back, I realized how much wrong there was. He roped me in with such sweet words and loving affection. It was so easy to say I was happy and felt safe because he treated me like I mattered. He was very attentive and mindful of my moods. But I also never once stopped apologizing for so many things, even to the point of apologizing for being emotional or dramatic. Even today, I almost started apologizing for hurting him and for making things hard. But I held myself back because while I do feel bad, I shouldn’t have to apologize for my own emotions too. I needed to get away, and I needed the space to heal and find peace. I cant do that with him. He says he understands, but then says stuff like, “this whole thing is stupid.” It hurt me a lot, realizing he never truly respected me or listened to me. I was just another a piece of ass to him. It’s so jarring to think he may not have meant anything of what he said at the beginning.

Now I don’t know what to do or who to talk to. My friends have been telling me over and over again to leave him, and I finally did. I don’t want to keep bothering them with my problems when we’re all busy with our own things, especially since they’re probably tired of telling me the same thing. I cant talk to my family because they don’t like him, and didn’t even know we were still talking after I tried to break up with him the first time. I also rescheduled my appointment with my therapist because I have a meeting to go to later today, and I won’t meet with her until next week. I just feel so overwhelmed and lost and alone.