Empty box of Valentines
I remember an episode from The Simpsons about Valentine's day; Everyone in Lisa's classroom was giving and receiving cards, but Ralph Wiggum was left out. I knew how he felt, ever since I changed schools. At my old elementary, we would give people candy and cards, and no one was left out. Sadly, after I moved away, no one celebrated Valentine's day, anymore, and the only thing I received was hate from bullies.
I kept hoping that a boy would like me and we would love each other forever, but that day never came. A year ago, I finally got to celebrate February 14 with a guy who claimed he loved me. Even though he flaunted me around in a "look at what I did" kind of way and I found out that he played me like a fool, I still liked that day, because I got to feel loved and appreciated. Just for that day.
Four months ago, I had a relationship end with a great guy and it was, and is, one of my biggest regrets. I want to celebrate Valentine's day with him, but that's wishful thinking. Now I feel like Ralph Wiggum, because I am going to be without love, again, and it hurts. I wish I didn't have a huge hole in my heart, but I have to accept that my bag or box won't be filled with a single Valentine. 
Your post moved me deeply. I am so very sorry for your sadness. For what it's worth, you are alright just the way you are right now. You don't need anyone to complete you. I'm sure you cannot imagine the number of people, many of whom you may never have known, who remember 'that person' that may have smiled at me. Try to show yourself patience. At times, it may be an uphill path, but (I believe at least) it is a joyful path.
Remain courageous
Thank you, @JeffWM. I'm really glad you read it. I wasn't sure if I should have written it out or not, but I'm glad I did. It's very moving to have positivity and support in unlikely places, such as this website. I wish you a great night and a joyous lifetime. 
@ RedPandaExpress88 I can't tell you how many letters I've written that I never planned to send. For me, writing is a way of clearing my mind. Do me one favor. Go onto YouTube and look up, and of course watch, a few Mr. Rogers shows. What amazes me the older I get is that Mr. Rogers wasn't an 'act'. That's how he was. That's how I aspire to be!
I am genuinely happy you posted. I was genuinely saddened by your words. I am genuinely happy that (by chance) my words struck a chord with you! ;)
@JeffWM I wish I could watch Mr. Rogers, but it reminds me of an ex-friend of mine. He said the same thing you said, at a time when we were kind of close. Now we are in a complicated place, with it being too late for us to talk about what happened, and me not responding to him unless I have to. With my heart full of different emotions and feelings, including further heartbreak, it is difficult for me to trust and forgive him, again. I still appreciate your kindness and I admire your inspiration to be like Mr. Rogers. I hope that, some day, I will be able to honor your favor and watch it with an open heart. 
*gentle, virtual hugs* going your way.
Cathy
@defatbroad
Thank you, Cathy. I will definitely need it, today. ☹
Happy Valentines Day, RedPandaExpress88 👧 Sending 💗 love & a hug 🙇 to you on this February 14th. I'm so sorry about your recent break up. I have spent every Valentines Day as a single, "unattached" female, but I always have tried to focus on the people in my life that do care about me, and love me instead of turning Valentine's Day into "SINGLE AWARENESS DAY." Being single on Valentines Day is far preferable that being in a relationship with the wrong kind of person, or in a relationship that just doesn't work.
I pray, RedPandaExpress, that you will become comfortable on your own, in your own skin, and grow to love yourself more to fill the void you presently feel. I actually have grown to love being single. I have a lot of male friends whose company I enjoy even though it's minus the romance factor. There is beauty and cherishable value in every relationship, romantic, or not.
I spent years hoping the "right" man would come into my life, & be the love of my life. But this year, I finally decided that it was better to go out in the world and love as many people as I could instead of sitting home alone hoping my romantic relationship status would change. I do a lot of volunteer work with the homeless and low-income population, and am helping teach young children to love books and reading at "Read to Succeed" (a community-based literacy program), and it is so rewarding and fulfilling. Give volunteer work a try, RedPandaExpress, the love you give out has a funny way of boomeranging backatcha 😊
Because of the mention of him in this thread, I leave you this Valentines Day with a quote from Mr. Fred Rogers.
'If only you could sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person.
– Fred Rogers
Thank you, @caterpillargirl
I'm sorry for not replying to you sooner. A lot has happened, emotionally, since I wrote this and I didn't want to write the wrong thing. I think that it is nice of you to help others. You sound strong and independent, which are admirable traits. I still have a lot of self-improvement to do, before I can be a better person.
@RedPandaExpress88
I'm still thinking of you and hoping you find peace quickly.
@JeffWM
Thank you. You are a very kind man who I wish I could hug. I really need the peace. 😐
@RedPandaExpress88
I hope you find peace within yourself. Always remember that no one gave you peace, so don't give it away.
Perhaps this is difficult, or impossible to answer, but, "what would your definition of 'peace' be? I honestly think many wouldn't know it if it grabbed them by the hand.
@JeffWM
I don't really know what peace is....I always thought it was like love or happiness; Easier for others, but unobtainable for me. Maybe peace is contentment or the freedom from heartache, headaches, and overall, misery within. I have wondered what that would be like, for years now? To not feel like your past is going to destroy your future and the lives of others around you. Is peace like that really possible?
@RedPandaExpress88
I deeply believe that we can all know peace. Defining peace isn't easy at all! Recognizing what doesn't bring you peace narrows it down a lot ! It's not all the things, that although do not cause us pain, that we resort to try and alleviate suffering: alcohol, food, sex, companionship… When we look, none of those things bring us lasting peace. I believe that peace comes from within. When you realize what is important and what is unimportant it sure helps. We tend to worry about what people, who we don't like or care about, think about us. It's rather ironic isn't it? Do you have any thoughts?
@JeffWM
I think you're right. Peace does come from within and in other to have it, I need to accept myself for who I am and to love myself. You and a listener friend of mine have taught me that and I thank you both for it. Thank you for caring, Jeff. May you have peace within you, always. 😏
@RedPandaExpress88
Now, these are just my thoughts. (Your mileage may very well vary!) Smile at people. You may make their day, or at least, confuse them. Try to remember that the difference between life & death is just one breath. (I know this isn't perfect science but I'm old, so just get off my lawn!) Our lives are so very fragile. The fact that we stay alive from moment to moment is nothing short of amazing. Christian folklore has a story of Saint Stephen who went off into caves for a lengthy period in order to pray / meditate. When his followers found him, there were skulls painted at the entrance to the cave. Saint Stephen explained that this was so that he could better remember that every moment is precious.
As much as you are suffering, is it in any way possible you could, in some tiny way, reach out and do some random act of kindness? It's amazing how good it makes you feel.
Enough of me rambling on. I have to chase some more kids off my lawn! Be well.
You are funny, @JeffWM
I have been trying to wait for myself to feel better so I can reply to you, and whenever I am okay, I forget. I know it takes time to love yourself, but once I do, life makes me feel like I shouldn't. I have been on my best behavior, though, by making people laugh and helping others, without expecting anything in return. It's just....life feels artificial and incomplete without my ex and I can't even remember him now, because my memories of my past are going away, and I don't want it to. I don't know how to feel and what to do with my life.
@RedPandaExpress88
You don't have to be anything but yourself to reply to me. It's not like I only replied to you because I knew you were rich and famous! (Geez... did I give your secret away?)
You are cared for just the way you are right now. If you aren't feeling great; you are still cared for. You can be whatever you want with me. It is safe. I've worked with kids from 6 years old to 17 years old. Sometimes they will let loose 'at me' precisely because they know I am safe. A few minutes later, I'll act like nothing happened. If the 'acted out' at home, they'd be beaten. I've taught meditation at a pretty small prison and had the same thing happen. They can yell and rant at me because the ones hurt them aren't there to listen.
I will listen. I will care. I don't take things personally. (Even when I am complimented, I try not to let it swell my head and 'offer it up' to those who have helped me.)
Don't pretend for me.
What things do you think you could do that might help? Are there anythings that are just out of reach? Any songs you put on repeat that helps get emotions out? (I've always loved Counting Crows and lately I've been listening to 'Possibility Days' a lot. Take a listen on YouTube sometime.) I got to go chase the darn kids off the lawn again! Be well!
Thank you for saying that, @JeffWM
I'm glad I was able to read that at a heartbreaking time 😢 I saw my ex today and he still avoided talking to me; It's going to be six months. I keep thinking, "Was I really such a horrible person?", followed by the answer, "Yes, and you deserve everything that is happening to you." I don't know what kind of music will make me feel better. I listened to Evanescence "Lithium", which expressed how I felt inside. Now, I feel like I don't want anyone to love me or touch me. People are better off staying away from a thing like me. (I'm a hypocritical mess.)
@RedPandaExpress88
It's alright that you still feel hurt. It is a terrible loss. Look at a calendar and you choose a date when you feel you can begin the healing process. Only you know how long you need-- but it's like a nap: too short and you're still tired yet too long and you feel worse than when you started.
How long would you suggest for me to mourn the loss and begin the healing?
@JeffWM
I'm not sure. I was expected to get over the break up, within the same month, but there were/are factors, which makes my feelings towards him so painful. In the relationship, I had a memory triggered and it affected me. I wanted to tell him, but I figured he wouldn't understand. I kept my inner struggles to myself and I became emotionally out of control. He said he lost feelings for me and I said/did things that I shouldn't have. I have felt guilty and ashamed, ever since. I deeply hated everything about me and I completely blamed myself for the relationship falling apart. I just wanted us to talk, so I could apologize, but I feel like there's nothing I can do to make things right. (Making me feel as helpless as my childhood.) I care for him, still, but I also wish him well with whoever he is with.
As far as a calendar goes, I think the next couple of months will be the hardest months to face. We became friends, in April and he asked me out on our first date, in May. If I can make it past those months, then I will be much stronger than before. I hope I can last that long. It has been a hard several months as it is.
@JeffWM
It's been 3 months, since I last talked to you, and today-June 8th, 2016-is the day that I realized everything I have ever felt was all for nothing and it hurts me.
@RedPandaExpress88
What you felt was not for nothing. It has shaped you into who you are today. It has shown you what love and sadly, loss is. Sometimes love and loss tends to mix. It's okay to mourn your loss and it's okay to be sad because this is not your ending. A new day will come and it holds all new possibilities for love and happiness. Look to the future, not the past. Your destiny does not lie there.
I know I kinda poked my head randomly into this post but I felt compelled to give you a few words of comfort and maybe inspire you a little to keep going. Take care and good luck! 
@KindListening
I appreciate your words. I said it was for nothing, because I wrote this in February and I recently found out that he has been dating someone, since December/January. That's a couple months after he broke up with me, and ever since October, I have hated myself and I wanted to be with him. The pain I felt for so long, was so hard to deal with on my own. In the future, I will put your words into motion, but for now, I am really angry and upset about this. I wish you a great day and a great lifetime..
@RedPandaExpress88
I don't believe that any experience is "all for nothing". Even if it is only to be able to tell someone, perhaps years from now, to let them know they are not alone.
Once the storm is over, you wont remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You wont even be sure when the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wont be the same person who walked in. Thats what this storms all about.
@JeffWM
I'm so filled with anger, distrust, and pain in my heart towards him, myself, and the people around me, who didn't tell me. I don't know what to do. I don't want to resent him and I don't want to lie to myself, by thinking everything will be fine with us. I would rather be in an actual storm than to be dealing with this. I'm so tired of loving people who don't love me. 😓
@RedPandaExpress88
I understand you are feeling hurt. Try not to allow yourself to be filled with anger. Anger is one of those things that makes you think you are causing harm to another when you are only harming yourself. My spiritual teacher says that harboring anger towards another is like drinking poison expecting the other to die.
@JeffWM
I just don't like how we handled things, after the breakup. He kept putting off talking to me, afterwards, and I never got to say how I felt. I spent so much time hating myself, while he was able to find someone better. If I was told months ago, that he was already dating, then I would have been more depressed, but recovering in a much more healthier way, instead of idolizing a guy, who doesn't care about me, anymore. It feels like this pain and anger towards myself isn't going away. I have had intense anxiety and I have been upset about this, since Wednesday night, and I can't stop thinking about this. It feels like life is stabbing me and I can't stop the blade from piercing my heart. It's so very hard not to give up on life. I just don't know what to do. 
@RedPandaExpress88
Panda, if you would like, you can message me and we can talk about this. I have gone through something very similar so I understand what you're going through. *hugs*
