First Relationship After Divorce is Starting to Suffocate Me

My marriage of 16 years ended last summer. It had become toxic, and when I discovered my then-wife was immediately making plans to move in with her new surprise boyfriend (who had been a friend and co-worker) along with our three kids three hours away, I was devastated. I felt I started to bounce back and was making plans to do some creative work I'd not been previously able to do. I joined a Meetup group and began making some new friends and was having a great time with them.

Around this time, about 3 months after the divorce, I had gone on a couple of dates but nothing more than dinner or hanging out downtown in our city, but one of the women was an old friend I'd reconnected with. We had previously worked together and while I'd never thought of her romantically since I was married, we did have a lot in common. We both had kids and loved a lot of the same music, movies, etc. So we began to explore a relationship.

From the start, I knew she had been single a long time. She had been divorced for about seven years. And I had previously known some of the frustrations and hurt she'd experienced from her ex-husband, including how emotionally distant he was from his own kids. I really was interested in her, but I also explained up front to her that I knew I had some trust issues I was working through, and told her I was well aware it was my own demons and I would work through them. She seemed to understand and even affirmed this, and said she wasn't wanting to rush anything.

Well, it didn't take long for me to realize that she was indeed rushing as much as she could. She wanted to drink wine constantly, it seemed, and even though I was trying to cut most alcohol out of my life and really get healthy, I found myself drinking with her, and within 2-3 weeks into the relationship, she began saying how much she loved me. This was strange since we had not been romantically involved previously and the relationship was still so young. But I didn't want to pull the plug since I was still exploring where this could go. We started getting to know each other's kids better, and sure enough, her kids became really attached to me.

It's been about 6 months, and she is constantly asking me to move in with her, even though I've had to make a tough decision whether or not to move to the town where my kids are. My kids have been to therapy complaining that I'm not close by and feeling abandoned by me (I see them every other weekend). And yet my girlfriend is constantly discouraging me from this and is begging me to move in with her and her kids. At this point, I truly do care about her but I have gained weight, my attempts to stop drinking have caved and she doesn't have any desire to stop.

I make it sound like she has a lot of issues. The truth is, she is a really sweet, caring, loving person, and she was hurt really bad, and I am coming to find out she's been really lonely for years. I do not want to hurt her, but I also am feeling more and more like this is not healthy for me. I have abandoned the goals I'd set for myself because she never wants to be alone and I feel guilty if I ever have an evening not with her. But her kids are attached to me, and I am so afraid of hurting her, I truly don't know what to do or how to be more assertive with her. It's never a bad thing for someone to express their love for you, but how do I know that she does in fact love me or if she's just desperate for a husband and a father for her children?

I truly feel stuck and don't want to hurt her or her kids. I know they've been through a lot. But I feel like I'm losing myself more and more each day, and I truly don't know that I'm ready for anything as serious as moving in or marriage right now. Thanks for letting me vent.