How to support your loved one with self-esteem & body image issues

Hello lovely people of Relationship & Friendship Support Community!

Having a family member, a close friend or a partner who is struggling with self-esteem and body image issues can be hard. No matter what you do, nothing seems to help. Here is a guide that hopefully offers a different perspective - from someone who struggles with these things.

I also want you all to know that having low self-esteem isn't a personal failure. Don't ignore the negative voices in your head, they are there because you feel them, they're not true but they're a part of you. Don't force yourself into thinking good about yourself, accept the bad ones but don't forget that good ones exist too. Face your problems, be honest with yourself and realise that it's okay to feel whatever you feel about yourself - it's your decision alone, to decide if you want to feel that way or not. Don't wait for someone else to love and accept you unconditionally, be that someone for yourself - that's the thing we all have to realise.

Lets define self-esteem and body image.

Self-esteem - Self-esteem is an individual's subjective evaluation of their own worth. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs about oneself as well as emotional states, such as triumph, despair, pride, and shame. In simple words, self-esteem is the way people think about themselves, and how worthwhile they feel.

Body Image - Body image is the perception that a person has of their physical self and the thoughts and feelings that result from that perception. These feelings can be positive, negative or both, and are influenced by individual and environmental factors.

Before we discuss how we can help someone struggling with self-esteem and body image, lets discuss how it really feels to be one who does.

Having low self-esteem is like seeing everyone on a high pedestal and not knowing how to climb yourself. Having low self-esteem could also indicate that your loved one, or you yourself are someone who is self-victimised. To be honest, everyone suffers from low self-esteem and think poorly of their body from time to time. But if you have low self-esteem you think that you're the only one who cannot see the positive side of things, you're constantly thinking the world is against you and you're the only one who hasn't been gifted the perfect body or the perfect personality. More often than not, people with low self-esteem forget that their problems are not unique.

People often think that people with low self-esteem are just being hard on themselves which is the root cause of all of it. Let me burst your bubble, it's not. In fact, being hard on yourself is occasionally necessary. The whole point of being hard on yourself is improvement, and if low self-esteem people are hard on themselves 24/7, they should be the people who are constantly getting better. Is that the case? No. Now many of you may think, it doesn't happen because they're chasing perfection and that they don't really have a goal while they are pursuing their own imaginary level of perfection and self-satisfaction. Well, yes, precisely. The thing is, they're running a race that is endless and they're the only one who is running. But what they think is everyone else is running as well but they're just miles ahead than them. So they keep running, running and running. They keep convincing themselves that other people are ahead of them while in reality no one else is even bothered to think and invent this spiralling race which doesn't end, ever. They're the only one who will be the winner and the loser that is, if a finishing line even exists.

I hope this gives a small picture of what it feels like to be someone who has low self-esteem and body image issues.

Let's look at some scenarios which you may or may not have come across -

Person A: Hey, you look beautiful!

Person B: Not really haha, she looks more beautiful than me.

Person A: Hey, your art is amazing! I love how you expressed your emotions in that painting.

Person B: Yeah, well it's not that special.

Person A: Hey, do you wanna go out?

Person B: Not really, I look terrible and fat in the clothes I own and I'm too lazy to buy new clothes.

Person A: You did your best on this exam! I can't believe that you aren't happy with your achievement.

Person B: I did not do my best, I just got 90% and that's more than I expected but it just isn't enough. I'll try harder next time. There's no reason to be happy.

Whoever you may be, Person A or Person B in each of these situations - it doesn't really matter. You see, accepting compliments for a person with low self-esteem is like giving a performance on a stage where you didn't really want to be. You do something that everyone else thinks is something you should be proud of, but all you hear while they cheer is "Mindy is better than you, you loser!" or "What's so special about that? I can do it too and trust me, I could do that better than you without even trying!" Okay, no attacks at you, these are not someone else's voices, it's their inner critic. While you may be saying "you're beautiful" all they're hearing is "I'm stuck with you anyway, so I gotta accept that you look okay, I'm lying that you're beautiful because I don't want to hurt you." It's not your fault, and neither it is theirs

Let's now get on to how you can actually support them -

🎀 Don't give them compliments 24/7. Giving compliments to people may feel like you're trying to cheer them up and genuinely think they're dope, but for someone with low self-esteem, it's opposite. Hearing compliments that often, may make them feel even worse that they can't just snap out of it and be who you think they are. Accepting compliments is hard, and from someone who has low self-esteem and body image issues, trust me it's like drowning in an ocean with swimming tubes all around. And you know what is worse than drowning? You cannot get one swimming tube to stop yourself from drowning while having hundreds of them around. Instead of this, give them compliments occasionally. Tell them how their efforts meant so much to you, don't directly compliment the stuff they did but how they tried.

🎀 Accept them with their issues. It might be hard being around someone who just keeps on denying the good things about themselves and sometimes pick a fight with you when all you're trying is to be nice. Don't take it personally. Accept that they are not accepting of themselves and it's nowhere your fault. Don't ever blame yourself for how your loved one views themselves as.

🎀 Engage them in questions and explore their feelings with them. You don't have to have all the answers or a magic wand that fixes their issues, however, you can help them realise that they're the magic wand. Ask them questions - whats and hows and whys. What do you feel when you look in the mirror? What is making you feel otherwise when I compliment you on A? How can I make you feel better? What is stopping you from accepting yourself and why is it so powerful? Don't be afraid to ask them questions. However, be patient and understanding if they don't have the answer and give them some space if needed.

🎀 Ask them about their story. Having low self-esteem may seem like it's natural, but it isn't. If it's chronic, it can result in some mental illnesses like depression, anxiety, eating disorders, etc. It could also be a result of these mental illnesses. You wouldn't tell someone with depression to snap out of it or look at the positive or any of those talks. Don't tell someone that they're wrong to feel bad about themselves, it's valid to feel bad about yourself no matter how long it has been. Ask them when did it all start - was it some family jokes, was it their friends who left them, was it some bullies or something else? Listen compassionately, don't judge them. Not everyone can see the good side of things and it's okay. Just offer a listening ear and hug them. You don't have to make them accept themselves, you just have to accept them as they are and work together with them so that they can see themselves through your eyes.

🎀 Be someone who they can confide in with their deepest fears and someone they can be their true selves around. Don't brush them off if they keep on crying about the same thing - "I'm just not good enough." Let them cry and let them be. Let them go through this for as long as they want, let them pour all of their thoughts out and don't be afraid to hear them. They may be very negative, something you can never even imagine, but that's okay. They're human, they've been fighting this battle for as long as they can remember and it's themselves they're fighting with. You don't have to be someone who fights their battles, but you can carry their shield from time to time. Just be there and accept all that they were in the past, how they're now and how they think they should be. Accept them with everything.

A few quotes that help understanding self-esteem -

🎈 What holds you back is not what you are, it's what you think you are not.

🎈 If you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, you have already forgotten your value.

🎈 Forgive yourself for every time you accepted less than you deserve.

🎈 You are both good and bad and messy and complex and still worthy of compassion, love and acceptance.

These are just a few basic things that you can do to support someone. Realise that self-esteem and body image issues aren't something you can face for someone else. Your loved one has to face them themselves, you can be alongside them, that's fine but there's only so much you can do. Don't make fixing someone else's self-esteem as your life goal, help them in making it theirs. It's not you, it's them.

Tagging a few people - @AveryLove @Blaze @YourfriendSigi @frostyOcean72 @Ottie @Erato @ASilentObserver @Yendi @Amy @thoughtfulDana4 @HelpingBubble @Isentropic @rebecca947 @pamharley003 @KarrotCake @Samar27 @River