I can’t stop overthinking, I feel like a burden

I can’t take it anymore, suddenly I’m okay then suddenly I’m not because my brain decides to generate negative and unrealistic scenarios.

My gf hasn’t talked to me or spent time with me for months. She’d check in once or twice a month but I understood she was busy or on vacation at places with super *** signal, and it really was the truth. I’m sure it’s the truth because her circumstances seem understandable. But even if I knew that, I was always somehow convinced she was making excuses or lying. The thoughts in my head are feeding off of my fears and past scars. 

It sometimes hurts to feel like i’m just adding onto her stress by telling her I don’t feel well emotionally. I’ve become a responsibility. A chore. 

I don’t know if I’m just being hard on myself by thinking like “Here I go again, i’m overthinking, i’m stressing her out, but if I hide it she will feel sad”. Me and my gf have fought about my mental health. I don’t know if it was valid for me to ask her to try and understand that it isn’t easy, but hearing things like “here we go again” or “there goes my efforts” really hurt. 

I have made it clear that my mental health is something she can be concerned with, something she can support me with, but she has to know she isn’t completely responsible for it. But she ends up feeling like she isn’t enough and just mad at me because maybe i’m not trying to help myself because she doesn’t see any improvements.

I end up spiraling for so many reasons. It starts with a random thought, turns into really bad anxiety, then I feel pressured about feeling this way, then suddenly i’m crying about every single problem and everything in the world. I overthink if she could still be talking to her ex. Maybe she’s hiding something from me? I start to get obsessive behavior and constantly check all of her accounts and secret alt accounts. Checking her location and posts. I start thinking if she could be ignoring me. How could she ignore me? But at the end of all it, I realize that she just always has a reason (well yeah I did know she just moved in at a new place and currently has no data or wifi).

Why do I believe everything that my head feeds me, but find it so hard to believe what she says? Yes, I know she’s hurted me in the past, but she tells me she tries to change or that she was stressed because she was busy. 

I don’t know anymore, i’m going back to circles and making different points but it feels so tiring and overwhelming in my head. It’s all just “but she said this before!” then “wait but she told me this too so she could be telling the truth”. 

I’m tired, and I don’t know how to get out of this. I try to considerate her feelings too and I have done my best to know her side which I completely understand. But I try to ground myself but nothing works anymore. I don’t know what’s real. I don’t know who’s words to believe. I try to distract myself, but it always finds a way. I just really wanted to put this out there for those who might need the same advice and to hear from those who may be going through the same thing. But other than that, I want to say if you’ve gotten this far to reading till the very end, thank you for your time! ^^