I need help to not be aggressive with my girlfriend

@understandingPark9379

You are on the right path but really need to get into anger management, domestic violence, and a group called victoms to learn to see from the victoms point of view. Take it from somebody (me) that spent the better part of a decade behind bars for minor shit but my repuration secured my fate.

Do it for yourself because sitting for many years full of regrets is pain that im unable to ever fully describe

@understandingPark9379

You're doing a lot by being honest about it and looking for help

I'm in the same situation but I'm the girlfriend. I think a big thing to keep in mind is patience, with yourself, and with her. Then relfect a lot. Figure out what situations it likely happens in. After a while it just turns into a habit that becomes hard to break because we're so use to it. Separating physically everytime you sense tension might help you break the pattern.

Really get down to the root of it though if you can. Having a generally toxic relationship played a big part in my situation. Individually working on our own happiness made a huge difference. Good luck!

You need to understand this is coming from you. As a man who has been physically agressive with someone years ago, I know what you are thinking. My experience was that I was trying to control the situation instead of understanding the only control I have is my choices in what I do and say. Having someone who loves you say things that hurt you is not an excuse at all to be physically aggressive.

Ask yourself, what is happening that is making you become this way. You need to stop trying to control the outcome of a conversation. She may say something that hurts you or makes you angry but none of it is worth hurting her over it at all. And you can face legal repercussions and jail time for anything you do. You should read Codependent No More and Why Does He Do That? If you identify any of the things you are doing yourself in these books then you need to step back from the situation and if you are getting angry, then walk away until you can control yourself

"Learn to control yourself" is not a viable solution. It will just make you feel worse for being unable to "just control yourself," and when you feel worse, you act worse.

Here's something that works for some people: make small but ironclad rules for yourself. I have 3 rules for myself:

1. I am not allowed to touch anyone in any way when I'm angry, because I'm afraid I might hurt them.
2. I need to gently put down whatever I'm holding so that I can't throw it.
3. When I feel knives in my mouth and I want to spit out a sentence that will hurt someone, I have to take three deep breaths first. It's not enough to make me not angry, but it's enough time to consider the costs and benefits of saying that thing. Sometimes I still say it anyway, but at least I thought about it.

Sometimes I still scream with rage, but I'm not dangerous to someone else anymore.

For me, my emotions are so overwhelmingly strong that I am literally incapable of fully considering the future repercussions of a potential violent action. I am literally incapable of calming myself down in the moment, or of accessing my love for the person I'm angry with. In fact a lot of people who do abusive behaviors aren't evil manipulative people who take pleasure in it, but people who get so overwhelmed by strong emotions that they cannot do better. (If this sounds like you, check out DBT! It will teach you to recognize strong emotions and give you options for dealing with them in the moment.) All I can do is remove myself from the situation, think about something else or give myself a physical sensation (holding an ice cube works well), and wait for the emotion to subside. Try talking again when you're calmer, and if it gets too intense, repeat the process. If you are regularly using physical aggression now, it may take a while to improve emotional skills like these -- please consider long-term therapy.