Seeking suggestions

Me and my husband both are 29 years old.

So, I would like to highlight some events that has impacted to the current separation

We were dating for 2 years before getting married. However, it was not always smooth.

I met this wonderful person who I believed had same future plans. However we often had arguments because of his parents and sister.

Between late 2018 and this year 2022 (until our marriage), his parents always wanted to talk to me everyday, multiple times a day and for long hours. When I missed a day or two, his mother would tell him things like I do not give time to her. This would make my boyfriend argue with me. Also, his sister was in love with a divorced guy and his parents were against it completely, so oftentimes his sister used to create friction or create an argument between us. According to her and as I feel, she was jealous that his brother’s love life was approved but hers wasn’t.

This continued to happen and even when I wanted to break up with him, he would come crying and convince me somehow. My parents visited his parents (on 2019) and the marriage got confirmed from both sides. Months passed and I wished we got married because my dad had Ankylosing Spondilytis and I was fearful of his health. So, I kept insisting my bf to get married but he kept pushing it forward until we finally agreed to an engagement in Europe itself on 29th June 2020. Nine days later, my Dad passed away.

I was going through a lot of pain especially because I couldn’t attend his last rites and cremation given the pandemic and flight crisis. Around sometime my boyfriend did lend me a supportive shoulder but in 15 days he got a call from his mother that she is very sick and so my bf left for India. This time we grew apart, we even had a break up and things were quite bad.

A month and a half later he returned and me and him reconnected via my mother who thought I needed him as I was mostly crying. After my mother came with me to Europe, she insisted me to get married and settled as she felt that my father couldn't see me married so, if even she couldn’t it would be very painful for me and that she couldn’t see me settled.

So, again, my bf didn’t want to marry and insisted I see his parents so he knows how I get along. Apparently covid was a lot in India so after my insistence we decided to do a court paper marriage and planned we would do a traditional Indian wedding when in India. We got court paper married (registration) on 27th Jan 2022.

Things were good at first until the point that my mother’s visa ended and me and my brother decided to go to Armenia for safety reasons as covid was at its climax in India. He did not with to come with me and I asked him to stay back if he did not want to come. But anyways he did join me and we spent about 40 days there.

Things were going good until July when we had my dad’s death anniversary. He stayed in my city with me for 3 days and then his mother called him a day before in the middle of the night saying she is very sick. That is where things went downhill. We were in different cities and my husband got annoyed that I was not joining him. Apparently I had covid and so I was recovering. I still decided to be with him and went to his city with my mother to spend 5 days and then all go together to Europe (His parents took tourism visa for 18 days and my mother also got a visa).

This was the first time I met his parents but things went really bad. His parents had different expectations of me which according to them was not fulfilled at all. Everyday there were lots of issues and my husband did not take my stand at all. To describe some events:

• He came to pick me at the hotel where I was and started yelling and arguing with me.

• I went to his place to tell his parents that he yelled but their only concern was that the neighbours should not know or hear anything.

• His sister yelled at me the first day

Next,

• He offered us water from his home but it was contaminated with housefly poop and so my mother vomited a lot (Thank goodness nothing worse happened)

• His parents did not discuss anything with me or my mom about it (as if to avoid it)

Next,

• I insisted my husband to sort all out and to have a healthy conversation with his parents so I went to their home. His mother initially did not talk with me to the point my husband went furious and took the knife up as if to injure himself. I screamed to make him stop. The same instant my husband’s father started yelling from the next room and called my mom a liar (for no reason)

• We were all arguing to a point I couldnt take it anymore so I wanted to go out for a walk (I usually head out for a walk when there’s lot of argument to cool down and my husband is aware of that). This moment, my husband’s mother locked the main door of the apartment and did not want me to leave. She pushed me aside and blocked my way. I told all of them to let me go (at least 5-6 times) and only afterwards I was allowed to leave.

Next,

• Since I got scared and did not want to indulge myself in Estonia with them (his parents planned to stay in my and my husbands apartment for 18 days of their tourism) so I suggested my husband to get an airbnb as the space is small (Only 1 bedroom apartment) and conflicts were bound to happen. But he started another argument and threatened me that he will report my brother who was there in my apartment for somedays. I kept crying a lot but he didnt stop and gave me 2 hrs to wake my brother (time difference as early morning) and ask him to leave.

I kept crying for hours and I could hear his mom yelling to tell him not to come to me for any consoling at all (That day he did not come to meet me).

Next,

• He left for another city a day before I did. Leaving myself and my mother alone in an unknown city where there were no online services like taxi or food.

I managed to come to the different city myself.

We all (he and his parents, me and my mom) came together to Europe in the same flight but we were like strangers. No conversation at all.

The next 18 days his parents stayed in my and my husbands apartment whereas I was living in another rental. My husband did not bother to come look for once on how I was living.

I kept everything aside and did go to meet his parents in two occasions. One of it was a night event and other was a night trip to helsinki. His parents never said anything about past events or even ask how I or my mom was doing (I felt quite bad). I also went to see his parents off.

A few days later he twisted his ankle and I went along with my mother to take care of him.

After this, I had a surgery scheduled and he had his own conditions. Like, he will not talk to my mom and bro etc.

A few days later on an event for my dad, he gave me an ultimatum to get back else relationship is over, I accepted and went in but later we had an argument. A few days later, we then decided to give this marriage a try so I moved back in. We had an argument and I went out for a walk. The moment I got out the door, he texted me that he will divorce me today itself.

Ever Since, he has given me many many ultimatums and I am sick of them. In the end I asked him many many times before he agreed to go for couple’s counselling. We have just started it but in the first session itself he has a lot of complaints about me and repeatedly says he is not sure if he wants to be with me.

So, these were the major events that happened. Besides this we have a lot of conflicts on financial aspect. He is a saver and I am a spender. But he saves to the point when he manipulated me not to go oto office as it costs diesel, not to buy new clothes or go to the mall saying he is tired to walk (Although for other events he walks a lot).

I do love him and I was the one suggesting therapy but he wants to put no effort. He doesn’t feel like spending money for therapy as well. The last few days we have stopped talking and only message to book therapy appointments.

I need help to learn to love myself and accept things. I also want to know if choosing to continue this relationship is toxic for me and if you see many red flags.