Tools for overcoming Anxious Attachment
Anyone have any tools or methods that help with anxious attachment? Especially for someone on a budget. Meditation has been difficult for me because I can't sit still.
I'm five months into a relationship with a guy who is great and never gives me reason to think he's not 100% into me.
So of course when things are good, anxiety monster needs to rear its ugly head. Self sabotage. Clinginess. Need for validation. Which is funny because when I'm single I'm independent, confident, and fearless!
@AnxiouslyAttached
Is he open to talking about it with you? Using "I" statements and owning your own issues rather than making it look like you're accusing him of something, of course. Do you know why you might have a history of anxious attachment, based on a past relationship, that you can work through with him?
I was in an anxious/avoidant attachment relationship with my husband. He would withdraw if he felt I was too needy or not appreciative enough. That made me feel insecure, clingy, needy and over emotional, which drove him away more. Even after I expressed that I found this helpful he continued.
In my current relationship, we both talk about dynamics in past relationships and our roles in them. The goal is to better understand and support each other. It's so awesome, and even though he's a GREAT communicator and gives me no reason to feel anxious, I feel those fears resurfacing when he doesn't respond to a text for awhile. Sometimes it helps me to reflect on how he shows me he cares, which is as simple as scrolling back through our past texts. Maybe I could have done that more with my husband, although he was not as present or active in showing he cared. A good way to recognize this is through understanding your and your partner's love language, or their most preferred way of showing and receiving love. A mismatch in love languages makes communications even more important. My husband and I had a mismatch (mine is quality time and his is words of affirmation). The guy I'm currently seeing is a better match.
@peacefulforest75
hurtful not helpful above. LOL
@peacefulforest75 very insightful, thanks!
History of childhood neglect, physical abuse, emotional abuse. Sexual assault. Domestic violence. I have panic attachment and then need space. Am not good enough to have happiness. Afraid of being abandoned. Textbook stuff.
But yes, he and I talk very openly about it. He is very supportive and understanding. I just don't want to be clingy and needy. I want to fix my own feelings rather than rely on him to make me feel secure.
@AnxiouslyAttached I do exactly the same. I'm in a new relationship and I love him he loves me but says he feels smothered at times and I do trust him but when I dont hear from him I worry and panic so at mine giving him some space is hard
@AnxiouslyAttached
Our past helps create the present "us" just as self awareness, self reflection and actively working towards change helps us contruct our future selves. You're already self aware about your past influences and their impact on your current attachment anxiety.
About the relationship, it's a partnership. Given time, energy and effort by both partners, it is definitely possible to bring change. It's great that you both are able to discuss and talk about it. Do you think maybe you can keep a journal and note down triggers that cause you anxiety, how often and the intensity? When you both next discuss, perhaps it might help to see how this affects you and you can both try to find some mutually workable solutions to help your relationship get to where you both want it to be!
@AnxiouslyAttached
Thinking about your question...
Not sure.. but this is a theory. If its crazy, just laff it off, if it helps at all then great.
My assumptions are that you are a girl and not to old yet. As a single girl did you get approached occasionally or often by guys to get to know you, likely to investigate if you would make a good partner for them. This results in you getting some or lots of valuation from guys looking to get to know you. They usually will be complimentary and trying to make you feel good. I have talked to girls before that did not know or realize this was occurring until it stopped due to an engagement ring appearing. The ring or in a smaller social circle knowledge that your taken will stop most of the guys except for a few that don't care.
Now fast forward to now, I assume based on your question that you don't flirt much or at all perhaps out of respect for your partner. That would result in that you no longer have a constant supply of validation from others. And if your of honest character you stopped making eye contact with guys and they take that as signal that your not interested. That means no need to come chat you up and validate you.
The best solution is to learn self validation. It is a great skill and also will allow a person to have a stronger relationship. It is not easy to learn, it is much easier to get someone else to do it for us.
Good Luck