Why do people stay in abusive relationships?
Hey wonderful people of Relationship Support community <3
February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month! Heres just a hope that were able to contribute to help spread this awareness by having informative discussions and offering a safe place to members as well as listeners to open up.
Many teens tend to be interested in dating earlier than others, romantic interests are normal during adolescence. But is the relationship youre in healthy? Healthy relationships involve respect, trust, and consideration for the other person. On the other hand Abusive relationships dont have these qualities. Instead, they involve mistreatment, disrespect, intense jealousy, controlling behavior, or physical violence. The real question is why would someone want to stay in an abusive relationship when they could well, simply ‘leave? The question in itself is very complicated let alone, its answer.
Heres just a small step to spread the word that ‘leaving isnt an answer, rather just an action that could have multiple consequences. The first thing to keep in mind is the conflicting emotions an abused may have in an abusive relationship. These include –
1. Fear – Unsure of what will happen or feel threatened for this action.
2. Believing abuse is normal – This may sound surprising but its really difficult to mark when and how a relationship is abusive specially because they love this person and the undying hope that their partner will change.
3. Fear of being sidelined – If this person is LGBTQ+ and has not come out yet, the fear of their identity being exposed could feel just as threatening.
4. Love – The main reason why people find it hard to move on is the very same people find it difficult to let go. When you love someone, you often overshadow their actions and excuse them just because you love them. An abused might feel the same as theyre strongly hoping that their partner will change. They might want the violence to stop, but not really the relationship.
Are these the only reasons? Of course not. Aside from these there is even peer pressure, distrust of police and believing that no adult will take this seriously. There could also be a very important factor that is reliance on the abusive partner, even if they leave, where will they go?
At first it could be challenging to understand the whole situation from the perspective of the abused, as were filled with the desperation to help them and the only resolution we can think of is for them to leave the relationship. The best way you can help them is by listening without any judgment. They dont want to hear how better off they are leaving they want to know theyre not alone, that there is help and you support them despite everything.
Many others suffer from post-traumatic stress syndrome, one symptom of which is dissociation, which often creates such profound detachment from the reality of the abuse that sufferers scarcely remember being hurt at all. Dissociating victims can't leave the abuse because they aren't psychologically present enough to recall the pain of what happened.
Lets discuss these questions and try to get a better idea!
• Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? What makes it difficult to leave?
• If you could tell your past self of the abuse, what would you say?
• How can we support you in the way you want?
Even if you havent been in an abusive relationship yourself, what would your message to them be? Feel free to participate here and offer a safe and supportive space to have this open chat!
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I think i am but nit quite sure. My boyfriend had a bad past. A lot of child abuse and there are a lot of things he cannot take. Like someone yelling at him and he was in a bad marriage. Our relationship started rough. He would get angry if i didn't text him fast enough. He was jealous of the guy friends i had. But i knew he was a good man. He had a hard time keeping a job, usually due to his temper and not having any patience, but he was a hard worker. Anyways i knew this going into the relationship. I and knew it was going to be hard. I just didnt know how hard. I gave up my job, friends, just so he could start a new job in a different city. I had a hard time finding work that paid well and that put more pressure on our relationship. On top of that he caught me in a few lies. I thought i was doing it to spare him from thinking badly of me, he doesnt trust me and has a hard time dealing with the things i told him. That was 2 yr ago, I no longer hide anything from him. But we would stay on the phone all day just so he knows im not doing anything wrong while at eork. I have never cheated nor do i want to but he fears it will happen. Hes a good man but very hard to give away his trust and i already broke that 2 yrs ago. I sometimes forget where he comes from. yesterday he made a remark about how I must want to spend time with the neighbor while he's gone and i lashed back. I was wrong for doing so and i apologized and he said he had enough. I asked if he wants me gone, he said"yup". Idk what to do.
@blueSky3920
Aw, that sounds like a really tense situation Sky, I'm so sorry about what happened yesterday. Your partner being a victim of child abuse and being in a bad marriage does say a lot about the circumstances you both have been through, it's so understanding of you to keep his past in view. You clearly have supported him through so much and I honestly really admire that. "I gave up my job, friends, just so he could start a new job in a different city. I had a hard time finding work that paid well and that put more pressure on our relationship." How do you feel about this particularly? Do you think he appreciated that step or effort?
Hey, it's really alright. Lies are pretty hard to deal with and trust once gone is hard to restore. What matters here is that you accept that you might have lied in the past. You no longer hide anything from him and well that's really worth giving a second chance to. "But we would stay on the phone all day just so he knows I'm not doing anything wrong while at work. I have never cheated nor do I want to but he fears it will happen." How do you feel about being checked upon keeping in mind he does come from a place which holds the reason he might have trouble trusting people?
Trust is pretty hard to gain, and the efforts that you still continue to put is really remarkable! What happened yesterday was a reaction that was in a way natural, you have feelings too and deserve to do things which involve your interest. I'm sorry how tough things have been for you. It's sad that he replied yes when you asked him if he wants you gone. Although there cannot really be something like a resolution without understanding how it is all making you feel, especially from someone else. Maybe talk to a listener about what has happened? They can help you work out through your emotions and support you in the best way possible. I wish you luck with what you decide to do further and I hope the situations get better soon.
If it might help you can check out these threads we have specially made for this month revolving to spread awareness for teen dating violence. 
https://bit.ly/2tvraEj - Warning signs of an abusive relationship by @ASilentObserver
https://bit.ly/2XewBoH - How to leave an abusive relationship by @ASilentObserver
https://bit.ly/2T1Xugq - What does a healthy relationship look like by me
@Moana22
He says he feels guilty/responsible for me leaving my job. I took a big pay cut and had a hard time finding a decent replacment. I was even depressed during the whole time. And he kept losing his jobs. He has been to 4 jobs in last 2 years. When we fight he brings up how he has to take care of everything. Which is no longer the case anymore. I still dont Make good money but I do pay for 40%of bills.
When things are good he'll open up but then he i mess them up(yesterday) and he closes off again and because of my own insecurities he's afraid someone will say the right thing and I'll leave him. And because how i have lied to him i dont have a leg to stand on and shouldnt be upset. That I should be doing whatever i can to make things right.
Thank you for the links i will check them out.
@blueSky3920
Thank you for opening up about it and initiating this open chat. I really appreciate it.
Aw, it sounds really tough, I'm so sorry. That definitely sounds like a situation where you might get depressed. You two are in a tough position right now and it's so good to see that you are trying to work things out. It has been hard for both of you and there are struggles you both had to go through. Sorry about some arguments you had been having. You are putting in good efforts to show that you care about things as well.
Hey, even if you did mess up know that it's alright. We all mess up sometimes. That's what makes us human. It can be hard to open up sometimes and it's okay to have insecurities. There are fears when we think the people we love might find someone better, it's really sweet of you to understand that he might feel it. Even though the past has had some lies, I personally acknowledge you learning from it and not letting it repeat again, I know you're trying hard. You can be upset if that's how you feel. You can feel however you have to feel. I know how it feels you shouldn't be upset but it's really alright. You're trying to make things right. What do you think you can do to make up for it? *sending hugs if you want*
I hope you find them useful <3
@Moana22
Honestly it is hard to do but need to remeber my own insecurities in that moment. His reactions are sometimes a result of my actions or actions from the past that still hurt him. and it gets ugly from there. Just as i am allowed to feel so is he. And at that moment when he is feeling insecure i need to acknowlege it and reassure him, not lash out.
@blueSky3920
I love how you're so understanding of him Sky! I hope things work out well between you two. 💕
@blueSky3920,
I am sorry you are going through such a difficult situation but TBH with you,it all sounds to me like whatever you do around him,you can never please him and you seem to be walking on eggshells quite a bit around this person ! You can only support a partner in their efforts to achieve something but it's not your job to cater to their self-esteem and trust issues or vulnerabilities.They should do this on their own,not burden other people with their emotional stuff - sharing is ok but blaming and guilt-tripping is not!
love this ria! thanks for sharing!
• Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? What makes it difficult to leave?
yes i have. it was hard to leave because i knew he also had good sides and it was hard for me to ignore them and rather focus on the negative things.
• If you could tell your past self of the abuse, what would you say?
that no one should pressure you into doing something you do not want!
@AveryLove
Thank you so much Avery, I'm so glad you loved it!
I'm so sorry to hear that you've been in one. *huggles* Thanks for sharing with us, I know how hard it can be. That's such a sweet yet powerful message! We appreciate you a ton!
What I would tell someone in an abusive relationship would be:
For starters, realize that you deserve better. Loving someone just isn
@scenicwindow
Thank you so much for sharing such a powerful message! I particularly agree with this line and I think it's really hard to resonate with it - "Stop waiting for your partner to change. Change has to come from within; it cant be forced." I really love the message you've left for anyone who's in an abusive relationship.
I read this quote somewhere and I'd just like to add because it's similar to the words you said. "You want to have all the answers, but you often have to come to grips with the reality that this is a condition that can't be loved out of someone."
@Moana22
Thank you for the reply, Moana. Indeed, I quite agree with your profound quote. Coming to grips with that stark reality that nothing can be forced is indeed the key.
I must add that loved your presentation and all the discussion points too ! Kudos 
@scenicwindow
Aw thank you so much Scenic! 💕 It means a lot to me.
@scenicwindow,
It's just wonderful,the way you have put it in words,I just love it - so,so true !I almost cried when I read your post,you know!Thank you for taking the time to post such an insightful message!👏
@Moana22,
Important question - my answer would be the following:sometimes because they don't recognize it as abusive because of trauma-bonding,sometimes because they are afraid to leave,maybe they are unable to support themselves financially or do not trust they will be able to do it,sometimes people just do not want to "rock the boat" or seem "selfish" for wanting too much.You know,"How dare you be unhappy,everything is perfect in your life,what more can ask for?",said by people looking from the outside and you start doubting your perceptions and think "Maybe it's me","Maybe I want too much out of my relationship" etc.But mostly out of insecurity and outdated beliefs of when you are supposed to be happy and what happiness actually is.
@intellectualCake2979
I love this answer! <3 Trauma is pretty serious and it can be hard to recognize abusive relationship due to the past constantly playing itself on repeat. I particularly agree with this - sometimes people just do not want to "rock the boat" or seem "selfish" for wanting too much. This whole answer is just amazing! "How dare you be unhappy, everything is perfect in your life, what more can ask for?",said by people looking from the outside and you start doubting your perceptions and think "Maybe it's me", "Maybe I want too much out of my relationship" etc. Thank you for sharing it!!
