need some help

hey I'm kinda new here so I don't know how this thing is gonna work out but I'm gonna just post and hope for some useful advice . i'm sorry my english isn't that good and Im just pouring my feelingsout raw and i ,might forget my thoughts( i think i have adhd ) . I'm A ( i passed out of college in july 2023 for future context) rn and when I was in my first year of college i had this school friend lets call him P . We started talking alot after school and became bestfriends during the first year of college (we both go to different colleges but in same city ) we used to hang out from time to time and by the end of first year he confessed to me that he liked me and i kinda sort kinda liking his presence and him so i said that i liked him too . i though we dating of some sort so we did some stuff ( i had my first kiss , gave a very *** *** , went to base 3 and *** like that ) so wanted to talk to more on a daily basis but idk why it felt like we stopped talking more and more expect when he was *** and wanted to do things , that's when i realised that it was just friends with benefits but by this time i actually started to have feeling for him and that's when i put a stop to the whole thing and told him i dont about the fwb and its better we go back to being the bestfriends that we were and his literal reply was " i like the old us as well but i dont think we can be old us and i would love to go back to fwb not the old us but im fine with it " after this idk why but he was not the way he was before ( he didnt invite but he invited abunch of his other friends to his sisters wedding which hurt me alot ) we started drifting apart after that i got to know that he started dating a girl M who was a junior his college and they were doing stuff that i always wanted us to do go on dates etc and after i realised that he was dating we were talking very little and i was not getting the old responses or any interest that we had while being friends and i straight up stopped talking to him . idk why but i started comparing myself to her , i started looking at that made him not like ( i'm 4'11 and weight 60kg ps dont send any hate and i have good big ***) and i dont know why i started getting fixted on my *** (maybe i still am idk) i started feeling as if everyone is with me because of my *** and nothing else i hate them on a daily basis but when im actually in any sort of situationship or fwb im happy that i have them . i have a very love hate relationship with my *** . After this whole fiasco , i was in 3rd year where i started talking to this guy called K . He was everything that i liked . he was tall , good looking and he was soo good with his words like they kinda of guy who was able to speak absolute *** and u will still able to fall in love with . we had soo much *** in common and there was good level of attraction .which led to us having fwb . i dont know what it was but i started falling for him slowly whithout my own knowledge . i think it was because i took his words way too seriously and felt appreciated and fall for him . during this whole time we never met physically it was all *** . And after some time i fell very sick and stopped everything and even after the whole ordeal was done he was normal no change at all i loved that about him , he was flirty , he was caring and supportive even thought nothing was going on . i felt like someone liked me as an individual not just for my body or for sex . but after some time we had a talk about fwb and straight up told him that im not sure about fwb and i dont want it , i dont trust fwb's because my that time i deep down knew inside me that i was falling for him and even during the whole discussion he never pressurized me or anything he was very soft and caring but still i didnt wanna start anything and he was fine with that . After that things were kinda hectic because we had our placements coming and we were on a job hunt and the most we talked about was covid , recession and what role are available so we kinda lost contact and after the whole process was over i was still kinda avoiding him cause i felt like if i started talking to him my feeling would make me have anysort of relationship with him and that would lead to fwb which i would hate Sometimes he really would message me and ask why i was ignoring him and ii used to give the most obvious answer that i was busy with job hunting and preparing , this went on for about 3-4 months . He was in another city because of job and i was still in the same city . i was still following his spam account where posted a pic with a girl's purse which was hella suspicious and he never does that and it made me realize that he might be dating someone and one day i posted something about f1 on my story to which he replied immediatly and we had a friendly back and forth which made me happy after that there was no talks just f1 reels sharing . i have a habit creating spam accounts and deleting them because i felt like i would be trolled or made fun for the things that i posted . so i created a new spam account which was private ,after almost 12-14 days of creating he sent me a request and i was hella confused whether i should accept or not and about a week later i accepted him . we chatted up a bit , he was being a bit flirty and he was talking about how he missed me and how he loved hyping me up which all got my hopes so we started talking from our main accounts and our talks were never like even normal friends it was just colleague talking and was 99% us just sending each other f1 reels because i started watching it recently . and he started posting more of places he was going and at this point it was obvious that he was with someone even though he never outright posted her but she definetly was commenting everywhere which made me stalk her , and it flared up a lot of my insecurities she was working for amazon and was getting amazing salary (for the position she was you can easily figure out what her salary was ) , she was good looking , she was kinda thick but at the same not at all fat and she had great *** , she was doing all the thing that i thought or had a fantasy of doing , they were going to places and dates , which i fantasized would happed someday between us but i never dared to think would happen in real life , she was 1000 times better than me everything . so it made me hate myself alot after that it was like whenever i was bored or wanted to see what he was upto i would look her account and they were always doing the stuff that would be in couples goals list like i always wanted to like get a big bouquet of flower and he literally gave her 100 glitter roses which looked soo good . i was jealous bet never that jealous to ruin anyone or harm myself . so i dint look them up for a long TILL Today . idk what happened to me , i wasnt even thinking about them , i just felt like seeing what they were upto and thats when her saw that she had a entire highlight called " boo" with them togather which didnt exist before , it felt like by heart shattered . i saw 4 stories and turned my phone off an dive been numb . i just wanna feel loved like the way i want to be once . Why does nothing work out my way . Am i that ugly as an individual . i feel like i am stuck up on him and sometimes i dont even know whether i am over P . I just wanna get over them . Completely erase them from existing . i just dont know mentally where to go from here . Any advices /Suggestions are appreciated .