Are These Red Flags or am I really "Crazy" as my Partner says...?

Ok, who's ready for a mini novel?

My partner and I have been together for about 18 months. I am 37 he's 40. In many ways, he is a really amazing person, but in many ways, we are just not working. The summary of instances that have led me to questioning things are:

1. Unmet needs: I brought up certain things that are important for me to feel loved and cared for and was met with ager. Coming from dating men in the South in the US, where I'm accustomed to a bit of chivalry, having a partner from Eastern Europe ,who doesn't do things like open doors, help carry heavy bags from the car, letting me walk ahead, pulling my chair out for me, taking me on romantic dates that he plans, or extending a hand when I'm getting out of the car, putting the toilet seat down, giving flowers or little gifts, etc is really hard for me. I get that we are in 2023 and women "can" do these things for themselves, but culturally or maybe just personally, I feel that these are signs that tell me a man loves and cares about me. I explained this to my partner, who became quite defensive when I told him these are things that are important to me. Admittedly, he has started doing *some* of them occasionally, but it's very rare and if I do bring it up again, he still gets defensive and tells me that no man will ever do all of these things for me. Are we just too culturally different? Are my needs unreasonable?

2. Trust: About 8 months into our relationship, I noticed a text from a woman's name I didn't recognise (her name had a smiley face next to it). I asked my partner who this woman was and he said it was a friend he was travelling through South America with a few years ago. I knew of another woman, who truly was just a friend, that he was travelling with, but never heard of this one, so I asked why I had never heard of her before. He said he was sure he told me, but even if he didn't, it wasn't really my business. I asked if they were intimate on the trip, and he said yes several times. I asked if he had been talking with her for a while and he said they have been talking throughout our relationship. I expressed I felt uncomfortable and asked him to share what she wanted. She lives overseas and was telling him that she's coming to visit our country and wanted to meet up. Apparently, she has come to visit him here before and stayed at his house for a few months. He said they also shared several voice messages with each other, they send each other songs, memes, and have nicknames for each other. I was just so confused because after 8 months of being together, I was pretty familiar with all of his friends, including his female friends (one of them being his ex, who I am very good friends with) and I expressed that this all didn't feel clean to me. I asked him to stop talking to this woman because 1. if she's that good of a friend, then surely I would have heard of her, and 2. if there's no romance there, why is she wanting to come visit him in an entirely different country. It just felt off. He became really angry and told me I was overly jealous and and controlling who he is friends with and that "she doesn't deserve" him to just stop talking to her because she's a nice friend of his. I explained that I am okay with all the other female friends in his life and of course I love that he can connect with women in a healthy way, but this one feels off and out of respect for me, could he please just not speak to her until I can find a way to feel more comfortable with that dynamic, but admitted that might never happen. He refused and told me I am being crazy. At the end of the day, I actually do trust he would never sleep with another woman, but the energetics just feel off for me and that part that bothers me is that he wasn't willing to put my needs ahead of this friendship that is so important to him that he somehow he never told me about it in 8 months. Am I being overly jealous or controlling?

3. Physical/Gaslighting: We went travelling together for a long term overseas trip. After a very challenging year of going through losing our home in a flood and then having to go home to the US to care for my dad after he had an open heart surgery, I was really excited to have some proper holiday time. The plan was to visit his family in Europe and then go to South America. He hadn't been home in a long time, so I knew it was going to be challenging for him. He even said "This time in Europe isn't about you. I need to devote my attention to my family." I told him I would be as supportive as possible, but suggested we have some holiday time before going there so I can also recharge first because I wasn't feeling very capable of supporting him in that process. We arrived in Turkey and he really hated Istanbul, which tbh I wasn't hugely in love with, but wanted to salvage our travel. I suggested we go to another city and stay a little longer while he suggested we just go straight to his home country. I again explained I wasn't ready to be supportive in the way he needed there because I wanted to relax more and I felt that we could relax if we just got out of the city and had some time to connect together and be solid in our relationship before going to his family. He got really angry and told me I was making the trip all about me, just as he figured I would. We got into a really big argument and long story short, after both of us saying really horrible things, eventually, we were standing face to face shouting. Full disclosure, in a previous argument a few months before, I had pushed him very hard, which I know was wrong and actually went to therapy to help handle my rage because I do not want to be an abusive person! However, in this argument in Turkey, he pushed me, several times and quite hard. I was so shocked that my initial reaction was to hit him. He hit me back, in the head to the point that I saw stars. He later denied hitting me and then said if he did, it was because I hit him first and I was the one who brought violence into the relationship. We ended up staying in Turkey to try to fix things, but we just ended up in another argument, at which time, he called me ugly. I pushed past him to get away but then he pushed me. To be fair, I also said really harsh things, and he "corrected" it by saying "ugly on the inside." After he pushed me, he said "yeah, come on, I know you want to get angry and rage just like you always do." But I was trying really hard to use the skills I learned in therapy and to not use violence. Later, he told me he pushed me because I pushed him first and that he never said and did things like that until me and it's my fault because I bring it out in him. Can someone ever be the reason another person harms the other person?

4. Priority: We finally got to his home country and unbeknownst to me, we were going to have to pay for airbnbs and accomodation for the month we were there. It ended up being really expensive because we went over the holidays and he didn't book anything. I assumed since we were going to visit his family and in his home country, he would arrange our accomodation, but when we got there, nothing was arranged and I spent a lot of time trying to find a place for us to stay so that he could focus on his family time. I ended up spending all of my saving on accomodation, gifts for his family, and so forth and brought it up with him that while I'm there and spending so much money, I would at least appreciate if we could do something fun for me/for us, such as go on a weekend getaway or at least a nice date. He again told me I was being selfish and that this time in his home country was for him and his family and I should just be supportive of him. Finally, he did arrange for us to go somewhere for the weekend, which was actually really lovely, but as we were leaving and I went to return the keys to the hotel reception, they said that we had to pay a tourist tax, that ended up being around $7. I told my partner and he said that it was a BS tax and we aren't paying it. I told him that me being in a foreign country, I don't feel comfortable not paying a fee and asked if he could just pay it so we don't have to worry. He got really angry and told me I should go pay it if I was so worried because it's my problem. I told him I thought he was taking me out for a nice weekend getaway and felt that he should be the one to cover the costs of the hotel he booked for our date (again, maybe that's cultural). I started to cry because I felt so upset that the first time we had a nice weekend together ended up being another argument and he just started to laugh at me. He did finally go back and pay it, but was really angry at me for about 2 days after that. Was I being unreasonable to expect that he would arrange our accomodation in his home country or that I wanted him to take me on a date while we were there?

5. Snoring. My partner snores quite loudly, to the point that at home, I have my own room so I can get sleep when it gets too much. I've asked him to do something about it, but he just tells me it's my problem and I should wear earplugs. I told him I can't because my ears are really sensitive from having a lot of ear infections as a child and it hurts, but he laughed at me when I told him that. I've suggested several podcasts and things he could do to help alleviate it, but he just brushes it off and tells me it's my problem to deal with. While travelling, I didn't have my own room to sleep in when he would snore. One night, it was so loud that I went to the couch and put some music on (gentle sleep music from a sleep playlist on spotify) to try to drown out the sound. By this point, I had only gotten about 6 hours of sleep in the last 4 days, so I was really tired and explained that to him earlier in the day and told him I really needed to get some sleep. He woke up heard the music and got angry, telling me I was playing the music just to keep him awake. I explained it was to help me sleep and not hear his snoring. He started yelling at me, telling me how horrible of a person I am and that he needs to sleep because he "actually works" (I work part time) and he's on vacation and needs to rest. Is my lack of sleep from his snoring my fault and my problem to deal with and was I wrong to put music on?

6. Money. Having spent my entire savings in his home country with 2 months still left in our travels, he ended up having to pay for pretty much everything else after our time in Europe. We arrived in South America and I was happy to stay in hostels, but I am a bit of a fussy eater (not about 5 star or fine dining, but just about the quality of the ingredients and the types of cooking oils they use since seed oils are common in street food and is known to cause cancer). I would find organic, vegan cafes (he's vegan, I'm not) for us to eat at so that we could be be satisfied, but they were usually a little more expensive than budget friendly travelling. Eventually, he brought up the money situation and I told him that I am happy to pay him for my half of the travels once we get home and I can start working again. He agreed, but continued to bring it up throughout the trip. I would look at something I liked and say, "do you think I should get it," he would tell me to "follow my heart" so I would get it and then he would get angry that I spent money. I reminded him I was going to pay him back and if it was a problem, he should have told me. He kept telling me that my travels wouldn't be possible if it weren't for him, which I did thank him for, but also reminded him I will be paying him back. Is that a form of financial manipulation?

7. Another question of abuse: We were at a hotel and I decided to try to sleep on the other side of the bed than usual hoping it would help me get some sleep and maybe alleviate his snoring. When I got back from taking a shower, he was laying on that side I chose. I told him I wanted that side and already put my things on the bedside table and explained I thought it might help me get some sleep. He got annoyed and refused to move but finally he did get up and I laid down in that spot and proceeded to refuse to move as well. He got angry and came to sit ontop of me. When I tried to push him off, he grabbed my wrists and held me down and shouted at me that I am crazy. I finally pushed him off, but then he got a bottle of water and started to throw it on me to "calm me down." He asked me if I'd "looked in the mirror lately" implying my looks have declined and said I'm crazy and a b*tch. I was also calling him mean names, so I'm not innocent here. Later when I brought it up and said that it was abuse, he told me that he sat on me because I was on his side of the bed so it was my fault and that throwing water on me isn't abuse because it doesn't harm me and that he held my wrists down because I was hitting him to get off me. Is that abuse or was it my fault?

8. Respect in the Home/Abuse?: When we returned home from our travels, we unpacked our boxes since we had renters in our home. I am a very house proud and organized person. I work from home and spend a lot of time here, so a clean and organized environment is really important to me. My partner was putting things in random places and I asked him if he could just let me put things where I felt they should go and asked if he could respect my need for the house the be clean and organized. He got angry and said I was being controlling. A huge fight ensued, causing him to throw something very important of mine over the balcony. I went to retrieve it, but he stood at the doorway and wouldn't let me pass. So I decided to get something of his to throw it outside. He pushed me hard to keep me from getting past him. I decided to get some things from our mutual room upstair to bring into my room downstairs, since I assumed I would sleep in my own room considering the situation. He again blocked my path and pushed me. He was telling me I should get angry because he knew "I wanted to." So, I just went into my room and closed the door and started unpacking there. He came to the doorway and started yelling at me that he couldn't find the thing that I threw of his, telling me I'm crazy, that no one loves me except my family, who is "just as f*cked up as" I am, and then told me he was going to bring a scarf (because in the past, I have attempted to use a scarf to strangle myself), he also told me I should be hospitalised (I have been twice in my youth for attempts), and that no man will ever love me and that me divorcing my ex husband was the best thing that ever happened to him (my ex) because I am such a terrible partner (I called my ex later to ask if that was true because we are still good friends and he wholeheartedly denied that sentiment). As he was shouting at me, I told him to get out of my room, but he stood in the doorway so I tried to get past him, but he wouldn't let me. Again, he told me to "get angry and rage!" I tried for as long as I could to not get to that point of rage, but I ended up slapping him. I'm not proud of that at all. I walked away, and as I was walking away, he kicked me in the back. He then denied it happened at all. I told him that he's abusive and gaslighting me. He told me again that he was just pushing me because I pushed him first and he kicked me after I slapped him and I was the one who was gaslighting. I feel so confused about everything now. What is true?

9. General compatibility. Overall, we are also quite different in our lifestyles. I love to surf, get out into nature, wake up early to meditate and do yoga, listen to podcasts and try out different biohacks and techniques to improve health and wellness, love adventure and being really active, am really optimistic, like good style and taste, very clean in my living space, an omnivore, a little more of a risk taker and have totally different taste in music, movies and food.

He isn't really active and doesn't have a lot of drive to change his life circumstances (like his job that he hates but that pays well, his snoring, his tech-neck posture, his flat tire belly, etc), he gets really invested in conspiracy theories/memes and always talks about all of the pedophiles and darkness of the politicians and religious leaders, etc (which I don't deny, but also just don't want to get involved in), he's vegan (doesn't push it onto me, but also since we eat together, I usually eat vegan, which I don't feel is healthy for me), and not overly adventurous or active. He's also not particularly romantic or chivalrous, which as I mentioned is quite important for me.

He has so many qualities that I love (can be so sweet, caring, stable, supportive and generous, *sometimes* he's really open to going on adventures, being romantic and chivalrous if I ask enough times) and there is a lot of connection and chemistry between us, but I'm not sure we are compatible in terms of our lifestyles.

10. Now what? After all of these things, I finally very firmly told him the relationship is over. Now he is trying to be very nice, telling me he has seen that many of the things he did were wrong and understand why I am upset. He said he never understood the real consequence to his actions (that I might leave) and never considered that him doing all of these things would result in me leaving him. He said he always saw himself as a great catch for me but never realised how great of a catch I am for him and maybe he treated me that way this whole time.

I got really sick from the flight home and he's bringing me tea and breakfast in bed and being really caring and said he's willing to go to couple's counselling (and very reluctantly, said he would go to individual counselling too), and wants me to tell him where I'm going to move to so he can pick me up for dates, and wants to stay connected even while we live apart, etc. Is it worth it? Can people really change? Would I be stupid for trying to work through this with him?

Full disclosure, while we did have these kinds of outrageous arguments and fights about every 2 weeks for the last year, between those arguments were some really lovely moments.