Awkward and a more extreme / abnormal situation
So to cut to the chase / crash course I was abused by my ex severely to the point police were called. When they arrived they arrested me based on gender and since then I have won my legal battles and she has been arrested on 14 counts of aggravated perjury as well as falsifying a police report/lying to an officer and 4 counts of aggravated assault with the domestic violence flag on the charge. Prior to all that I had plans to marry this woman until it went too far. If it’s still too long to read TLDR my ex lied to police to get me arrested because I wanted away from the abuse and was able to thankfully prove she lied about everything. There’s still residual fallout but it’s in a civil court for property repossession.
I have since tried to re enter the dating scene but I struggle with trust after that bad of a relationship. I know not everyone is like that and the first date always goes amazing. The problem comes up after the first date. I struggle to maintain a conversation which is normal for me but it seems no one understands that in today’s dating pool and it’s not like I’m not interested in them, I just genuinely struggle with that. But even when the few that do understand that talk to me and carry that for me I end up ruining it because I see something barely similar to how my ex carried herself. Like if they ask me to share location so they can come to me or to buy them something small ( I have the money to afford a lot of things, $ isn’t the problem ) and it just immediately sends me back down the rabbit hole of the ex even though I’m over her. Are there things that I’m not over? Absolutely, no one walks away from that abusive of a relationship without scars. But does it affect my dating chances? I can’t really tell. I told one girl the entire situation and it immediately went from giddy and happy to a Jesus Christ he’s been hurt bad.
I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m at a loss because I’m trying to settle down and get married without marrying someone who has an onlyfans or a premium ( no offense if you have one, I don’t judge for it but I dont wanna date someone willing to do that because my ex had one as well.)
Any help would be appreciated. I’m 23, well kept, well off to the point I can retire early at 28 most likely. Quiet down to earth super chill for context of a who I am I guess.
Well, first of all... you're 23. You've got plenty of time.
I honestly don't know what to say besides give it time. And be open about it. Even if you don't go into details, you can just let people know that due to some previous trauma, this or that is triggering for you and that they shouldn't take it personally.
The first time I went out with my current partner, I freaked out because it brought back feelings from my previous relationship. I flat out told him I only wanted to be friends. A few weeks later, when I'd had time to think about it and calm down, I reached out and told him that I had been overwhelmed before due to a hard previous relationship and panicked, but I'd had time to think about it and if he was still interested I'd like to give it another go. Took us about 3 months to get comfortable enough to share some of the stuff that happened (he'd also had a bad breakup). But just having that initial awareness of "Look, it really isn't you." helped us give each other the time and space we needed to develop trust without taking it personally.
You are still so young, you have plenty of time to meet someone. I don’t believe you specified how long the abuse went on for or how long you’ve been broken up. In any case, it’s a very traumatic experience you went through. So I do think reacting the way you do and getting triggered by certain behaviors make sense. But that is the way your brain is keeping you safe. The good thing is you’re not just going with it period. You’re questioning it and wanting insight. Maybe you need to pause dating and be single for a bit? Why the rush to get married? If you do want to continue dating then you will need to reprogram your thinking or your reactivity. Will there some behaviors that you need to stay away from? Maybe. That’s something you need to figure out. Maybe have a list of your non negotiables. Like for example sharing your location so she can come to you is ok. You can share after she’s there. But if she insist you keep it on from then on then that would be a non negotiable and you stop seeing her. I do think sharing location just for that one instance is ok but not indefinite. Someone who requires to know where am at at all times have some trust issues. Also, asking my significant other to buy me something is not something I would ever initiate unless we live together or if he asked me. That’s just me. Nothing to do with money just boundary.