Dating 3 years/ anxiety to move towards marriage
I’ve been dating this guy for three years. Our relationship is good at times. I deal with a lot of anxiety though and it’s been affecting our relationship.
He is super sweet, loving and caring but slightly on the autism spectrum. I love him. But I become super anxious at times when I’m with him. Especially around other people.
I struggle with being a people pleaser. And “feel” judgement from my family and friends. They’ve told me they never pictured me dating or married to someone like him. They think he’s too interverted of a personality for me. Their opinions cause me a lot of pain inside.
I want to marry him. But fear rises up inside of me. Fears of being emotionally abandoned. Fears that my family is right about him being really interverted and me feeling alone.
He likes to game online with his friends and this is a huge trigger for my anxiety. I often wonder what life will look like after marriage ( I don’t currently live with him). I fear his hobby of gaming leaving me feeling abandoned.
My anxiety has affected our relationship so much he’s been talking of ending things or taking a break to get help with my anxiety.
I want to go for therapy but can’t really afford it right now. As I’ve been having some health issues and have been paying doctor bills.
We don’t know how to get out of this painful anxiety cycle that affects our relationship.
@littleCoconut373
Hi! That sounds challenging and worrying for you. Are you able to talk about this stuff together? I think it is great to have big challenges before marriage, as marriages involve a lot of challenges and hurdles to overcome together and this is a good practise to see if you can work together to find solutions.
It can be hard to make decisions or think clearly at all when you are in a people-pleasing pattern with your family/friends. You might find you make decisions based on pleasing others OR rebelling against them.
Abandonment fears/trauma is a very real challenge to live with and it is so great you recognise this - step 1! Step 2 would be getting help for healing/processing and learning strategies to deal with it. I don't know where you live but there are likely free/subsidised options for therapy/counselling, there can be long waiting lists so please get on them asap. These might be through government or charity organisation, or through a Dr. referral, or through a university program. Also take advantage of free helplines/chatlines, for general advice/support and especially for the moments you are feeling abandoned/anxious/panicky. A lot of them have good counsellors, you get someone different ever time you call.
Your family sound like they are concerned, maybe they would help out with therapy costs? Early wedding present? You could call it pre-marital counselling which addresses their concerns so they might be willing to support you in that? 🤗
Also marriage/couples counselling is important and can help you learn strategies to problem-solve and communicate together as a team.
