In need of help asap

Hey guys, I’ve been through a lot of ‘heartbreaks’ in my 20years of living, by heartbreaks I mean seeing guys for a few months, getting obsessed with them and them just wanting me for sex. Last May-July I was obsessed with a guy I knew I couldn’t have forever and I have no idea why I was so broken because this is not something new.

Fast forward to last September I found another guy, who actually wants me for me, he’s attractive but not 100% my type when it comes to character, morals and values. He treats me so well but something is off with me, unfortunately I am not 100% sure about him, I’m scared of commitment because I do actually love myself too much and love spending time alone. So I’m scared that by committing I will get bored, lose myself, stop being independent, lose a lot of freedom etc.

I am actually not really comfortable in telling him when I’m going out with friends because in the beginning he was always sad when I go out with friends because he feels like I put more importance in them.

He treats me so well and gives me the world if I want to. I like him and find him attractive, right now we are having a break until I get my *** together after these 5months of me being on and off about wanting a relationship with him, which is so unfair for him and I understand. However even though I’m confused I actually really miss talking to him. Sometimes I really miss him and want to be with him and cuddle him and do everything, and other times I just want to be left alone. Though the thought of him going out or talking to another girl kills me, even though I trust that he wouldn’t.

I hate that I’m obsessed with the people that don’t want me, and try to push away those that adore me. I’m so confused whether to end things with him or continue. I do imagine myself meeting his family for example and sleeping at his place, but do I actually imagine us till me get old?… not really.

This is also my first serious thing after jumping from guy to guy, so maybe this is why I’m scared. He’s more into me than I am into him. Is it normal not to be obsessed with a guy who actually likes you, and obsessed with those who don’t?

i’m so confused and don’t know if I should continue or end things so I won’t hurt him. I actually imagine myself being alone till I grow old and put importance in my career, but only god knows what will happen till then, because I do find myself being lonely most of the time, I barely have any friend and I don’t have that one best friend I could talk to for advice.

If someone could help me I would really appreciate it 🙏🏻