Learning to communicate
My girlfriend and I have been together about a year. This is the most significant person I have ever been with and someone I love and care about.
We tend to get into arguments frequently, small things I do annoy her and she has trouble letting it go. When I get upset I tend to shut down and exclude her. We both recognize that we have some underlying issues, and want to work on them to continue our relationship.
The problem I am having; for my whole life I just cut people out when they treat me poorly. I don't talk about it, I don't stress about it, I just leave. Now I find myself unequipped to handle conflict with someone I love. I feel trapped between running away to punish her and having no one else to run to. She is the only person in my life who makes me feel better, and I am angry with her.
That is also a ton of pressure for her, to be my only pressure valve. And because I'm not communicating, it feels like she doesn't know who I am.
How can I learn to talk to people when I am angry? How can I connect better with my girlfriend and make her feel prioritized and myself understood? is there a way to practice these skills?
It is understandable that you tend to cut people out of your life after being mistreated from them, but it seems like your girlfriend isn't one of those people. You said that she is someone who you love and care about. And if that is the case, you can make the necessary changes to ensure that both you and her feel heard and respected in the relationship. Communcation is hard when you are angry. It would be better if you are able to allow you and her time to calm down and process emotions before trying to work things out. Try to see things from her perspective as she expresses her feelings. Use active listening , so that you really listen to what she says and vice versa.
As CheeryMango said, express your feelings, both of you, and respect thiose feelings.
Don't judge them, don't argument, don't start defending yourself, or going in attack modem, or walking away.
There is nothing wrong with either of you.
Both of you might have issues that go way back.
And both of you might feel safe enough with each other to let it all out.
Which will result in each least one of you ending up no longer feeling safe.
You guys developed a pattern, a pattern that is not unusual, but can do serious damage.
I know, I found out the hard way.
Try to really listen.
If you walk away in anger, do come way, and not like hours later, more like a few minutes later.
Does require you to be aware of the anger coming up, walk away immediately.
Speaking from my own experience, it helps.
You, and possibly your girlfriend too, seem to get triggered.
That can destroy a relationship, as I found out.
If you are getting triggered, and you deal with it in time, then there is good news.
You can control those triggers, even get rid of them.
Again, works for me.
The hard part is to recognize being triggered in time, and you only have like a nano second.
This is where your girlfriend could help by simply saying "you are getting triggered, do you notice anything?".
She only has to say that until you go like "I do notice. I raise my voice, I feels tense, I start talking staccato" to name a few things you might notice. Don't think on it, your answer should be spontaneous, in other words, come from your heart.
In my case, it was our counselor who recently said to me that I was getting triggered, and whether I noticed something.
Oh yes I did. Since then, I do recognize my triggers, and have gotten much better in stopping them, and I will even get rid of them. A have like one major major trigger, that is gonna take a bit longer, at least I started to recognize the moment that one triggers me.
A link about (damaging) patterns in a relationship:
https://carolinaeft.com/pdf/Where_Does_Love_Go_Wrong.pdf
A link about triggers:
https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/triggers/
If you have been having hurtful discussions for a while, and it has become a pattern, you might want to consider to hire a couples counselor, or a marriage counselor. Such counselor (the good ones that is) focus on the two of you starting to really communicate, from within your true self. With compassion, understanding (you don't have to agree), kindness, gentleness and care.
If you decide that a counselor might be a good idea, do take your time to find one that fits both of you. Plus (my experience), good therapists are hard to find.
Warmth and love to you guys
