Marriage & Intimacy

Found out recently that my boyfriend of 3 years doesn’t believe in marriage. I feel like this is probably because his parents are divorce but he has a very bad perspective on it. I would tell him that he shouldn’t compare our relationship to others because everyone is different.

For me, the reason I date is because in the end I’d like to find that special person to settle down with & get married. I feel so hurt because we have invested so much into our relationship together. We have met each other’s families, gone on family vacations, moved into 3 new places together & have been living together just after 3 months of dating, back in the summer of 2018. So we’ve really grown together in our relationship & have seen every side of each other. The good. The bad & the ugly. Despite it all, we still remain strong & stayed together. No break ups or breaks in between our 3 years together.

He knew my feelings about marriage all this time & he never said anything until now. We had a conversation about it the other night & I asked him why didn’t you tell me sooner or why didn’t you leave earlier in the start of our relationship if you knew that was how I felt. He said that he thought things would change & we’d be better financially & he also said that it would be a sacrifice for him to marry me & he will be giving up his life.

For me, I told him that I don’t want to let any obstacles in our life stop us from moving forward & growing. No matter what, we’ll always have each other’s support & never leave each other to do everything alone. Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out together like we always do.

I felt hurt when he said that because after living together & being so committed & invested in our relationship for this long now, it basically feels like we’re a living married couple, just without the paperwork. So I didn’t think it would be an issue.

I’m not sure if he feels this way because after his mom got divorced from his dad, his mom didn’t marry & just dated a guy seriously for years. His mom & her boyfriend at the time also moved in together, but not even a year living together, that didn’t work out for them & yet they still remained together for a few more years. It wasn’t until recently, just 2 months ago so, that they officially broke up so that unfortunately didn’t work out for them.

I’m also more than happy to have a very small & intimate backyard wedding or even a court ceremony so we don’t have to worry about spending so much. He knows that very clearly & I told him, all that matters to me is that I’m marrying you no matter who’s there or not there.

I guess I’m feeling pretty sad about the whole thing, because in the back of my head I was always excited & looking forward to see how & when he will choose to propose, but now it seems like I may just be waiting for nothing.

I’m also turning 27 this month & as a woman I feel like my biological clock is running out. Especially after investing over 3 years growing together in our relationship, I feel like we’ve both gotten to know each other as an individual very well & since I still have plans to start a family hopefully before I turn 30. I have some health problems that can cause me to have a high risk pregnancy so it’s better for me to have kids at an earlier age.

We’ve talked about having kids & starting a family as well & there were no issues there. He’s always known I’ve wanted to have a family since we started dating because I feel so strongly about having kids. We even tried conceiving last month for the first time & that was a bit of an experience having to try during my fertile window & during my ovulation period. It was not passionate at all which is expected & I read that it is normal since we’re trying to get it done on a timely manner.

The other night, when I asked him if he wanted to have sex outside of my fertile window, so we can actually take our time & enjoy it without any pressure, he told me that I ruined it for him & he doesn’t enjoy it anymore. I thought that if I showed him that I don’t just want to have sex just to conceive on my fertile window he would see & feel differently but now it feels like we just lost our intimacy.

I didn’t expect him to say that & it made me feel hurt because now that we were actually having sex for what it’s main purpose is for, to conceive, it doesn’t feel the same to him. I honestly made me wish that I had waited to have sex with him until we were ready because now I felt like I gave all of myself up to him & it’s not as special to him.

I did some research on my own & saw that it is normal to feel this way on both ends when trying to conceive. So I tried to share with him some information that I found so he’ll know he’s not alone. He didn’t say anything about it & I don’t know if he read it, but I just thought that might help him to see that.

We haven’t had sex since then & we’ve been sleeping in separate rooms for the past few days. When he falls asleep I end up crying myself to sleep in the other room up until two or three in the morning. I’m not sure if he’s heard me but he hasn’t said anything to me about it & I haven’t said anything either.

So lately, I find myself constantly asking myself, what did I do wrong in our relationship, why isn’t he sure that he wants to marry me yet especially after all this time & what if he won’t ever feel the same about having sex with me ever again?

I’m reaching out on here because we’ve been through so many obstacles together big & small & we’ve both been able to compromise & work together. But unfortunately for these two major subjects, it’s our most challenging issue & I don’t know where to start.

We both love each other so much & see each other in our futures, so this isn’t something we would end our relationship for. We both want to be together, I just want to be married & he’s not sure if he does right now & now after trying to conceive for the first time it seems like we’ll need some time before we can be intimate again.