Newbie here ... I lied to him

Hi

I am 43 years old and have been with a man for 3 years. I love him. But 1 year ago I lied to him. I was starting to feel suffocated and I needed to breathe and I just needed to breathe ... prior to meeting him I lived the single sex in the city life, meaning I was out alot and had fun - I didn't sleep around - but I was out. When I met him, that stopped. But 1 year ago I knew some friends were out of town at a place I liked ti go to - I had bypassed this trip 3 times in a row and I had this time. I didn't want to go - the morning if he started being overbearing, questioning, I felt like I couldn't breathe - on impulse (which is what I do at time..act impulsively) i left and went. He lives across the street from my friend and saw she was gone - he asked me where she was- when I said Orlando he asked if I was there. This is when I lied. I regret it - I was so dumb - but I didn't want to deal with it - so I lied- he knew I lied and git instantly mad and so I lied some more because I had never dealt with that anger before--- instant anger -- so now out of stubborn pride and my own anger I lied again -- then i kept the lie because I didn't want to lose him and I have lost anyway. The truth came out. A year of battles of everything he doesn't trust - believe me - he looks for the mistrust- he looks for the lie and tw slightest thing becomes a lie even if it's not. He says I keep trying to give e reasons Instead of understanding ... I never say the right thing and we fight. I am not a liar -- but I lied. What is wrong g with me? I do not know how to be transparent - how do I prove I am not this mistake I made a year ago.