This Situationship Is Getting Tiring

To provide some background, I had met a man during the beginning of a much needed healing phase in my life. He and I were friends who happened to have aligned values, hobbies, life goals, etc. He had often joked around about me being his “dream girl” and I was scarce with reciprocating feelings. At one point, things went wild and I chose to let my guard down. We were in a picture perfect relationship, I’d lied about some things in my past to protect myself though and it was tearing me apart from the inside. I knew he would find out, he’s smart, he can read me like a book.

Still, I was incredibly careful. I made sure that the relationship was what I wanted. I definitely exhibited some intense panic attacks and other negative behaviors. There were two women who had obsessive issues in relation to him that were destroying my life to spite our relationship. One even caused me to lose the majority of my income. I was destroyed, my hard work and the career I had built was ripped from me out of absolutely nowhere. I truly had no clue how to behave. Still, even with my actions and regular choices to detach and pick fights, he worked with me through it. This all changed when it was revealed that I had lied about some aspects of my past. He was destroyed, left me, you likely know the story (I’m trying to make this not too long winded).

Our separation was extremely intense, other people were there, and one of the girls before mentioned (a fake friend of mine) was there and using the fact that I had lied to spread more lies about me to him. He looked at me with the most cold, loveless, empty expression I’ve seen. Still, that separation was short lived. We had begun seeing each other after two or so days. Things got better, but I was still mentally unwell. (Said healing phase was a year after the end of an extremely abusive relationship that caused me to have regular panic attacks, flash backs, and blackouts that resulted in self harm). I relied on him to ensure that I ate and slept. He works incredibly hard and has an unusual schedule, so I knew that this was taking a toll on him, after another few months of seeing each other, he cut it off out of nowhere. I was devastated.

Not to get carried away, but I want to explain that I have realized that I do love this man unconditionally, something is spiritually pulling us towards each other, we cause growth within one and other and the situation as a whole is very healthy for the most part.

Nonetheless, I chose to take this pain to properly heal myself, care for myself, and do everything the way I should have from the beginning. I found myself after two years of being a shell of my former self, I was happy, I was caring for myself. The immediate change happened within 3 days of him breaking things off and it has been consistent for months now. He attempted to replace me with a girl with the opposite personality and physical appearance to mine, it lasted five days before he realized that wasn’t what he wanted and ended up breaking things off with her. We live in the same apartment building, so it was certainly difficult seeing him with another girl immediately simply because I hadn’t been healed enough to be what he wanted and what I needed.

On the day he broke things off with that girl, we had seen each other. He apologized to me, gave me a hug, I left and went back upstairs to my apartment to ponder what had just happened. He ended up inviting me to spend the night with him after that. Of course, I considered it for about an hour and decided that I was not being pulled into a negative cycle. So, I proceeded to spend time with him. Since that day, things have been very positive and intimate. I am no longer afraid of explaining what may bother me or what causes me any problems when it comes to our relationship. As a whole, this has been going on for 9 months now. His friends are aware that we are seeing each other again, we spend a lot of time together. Im aware that nothing would change if the relationship label was actually placed on the situation, but I want that security. I imagine him as a part of my future. I see our ambition creating unmatched positive energy and growth as a joined force. This is what I want and I simply play the long game and tap into the entirety of my patience to get what I truly desire.

As much as I desire money, freedom, and the internal feeling of success in my life, my deepest and most truthful desire is loving and being loved. I want to experience everything that my future has in store with this man by my side, I want to cheer for his accomplishments and have a life full of positive shared experiences. Although we haven’t been arguing, I’m still bothered by the idea that I have experienced 6 months of a 9 month relationship as a label-less woman. He’s aware of this, he has even told me that it’s not fair to me, but doesn’t solve the problem outright for whatever reason.

I also feel like he purposely distances himself from me at times. For example, we spent about 2 weeks in one and others apartments spending most of our time together. Then, the past two days, I’ve only been called by him 3 or 4 times and he hasn’t spent any in person time with me. He’s not leaving his apartment, he’s not spending time with anyone else, he’s evidently spending this time working, but I feel like I’m being pushed and pulled a lot. I wonder if this is his way of deciding whether or not he wants to establish a proper relationship, but it’s terribly exhausting. I just want my person back :(

what should I do???