A dilemma
I have been very close friends with someone (a woman, as am I) for most of my adult life - several decades in fact. She is warm, loyal and would rush to help me at a moment's notice.
Her life has become quite complicated. She is in a relationship with a wealthy man in another city, and is simultaneously looking after her elderly mother who lives with her. She is often very stressed but seems to enjoy a very fast-paced, high intensity lifestyle. Our meetings these last few years always include her Mother, who I am also close to. We havent spent any time together alone for as long as I can remember. Neither of us ever suggests it.
Her new relationship is frequently volatile and Ive spent quite a bit of time and energy supporting her through the many ups and downs, which has become pretty exhausting. I dont have anything in common with her new partner (he mostly likes to talk about money, status and possessions) and we dont all hang out together as couples/friends. She travels a lot with her new man and asks her friends to step in each time to keep an eye on her mum. I find this very stressful as I worry about her mum being alone and what might happen. My health is not great and I have a big work schedule so I dont have a lot of energy or time. Ive tried to talk to her about this, and about other things in the relationship which have concerned me, but I am always met with a very strong emotional response - anger and defensiveness, and a refusal to countenance any kind of feedback or to have a reasonable conversation about the normal kinds of issues that come up between friends. The experience is very unpleasant. She is very comfortable giving feedback about anything she doesnt like, but not willing or able to receive it, even from a trusted friend. Her other close friend also has the same experience with her, but is willing to overlook her bad points in order to enjoy the good. This inability to communicate has become a real roadblock for me, and is creating a lot of distance between us.
She is a rare and lovely person in many ways and I truly love her, but I feel weighed down by the relationship and would like to be much less involved, or maybe even not at all. Am I being selfish by not wanting to give so much ongoing support? Am I throwing away a lifelong loyal and loving friend over unimportant things? I value the calm and peace I have in the rest of my life, and the mature friends I have found who seem able to maintain their lives without uneccesary drama. Are we facing a natural parting of the ways, or am I making a big mistake?
Dear Unknown,
Thanks for posting. I can really relate to your post. I have a history of making very close friendships, where my friend and I spend a lot of time together, and there is a lot of mutual caring and support for each other, and then some circumstances happen, that make either me less available, or my friend experiences something where they have very strong needs and emotions, and need a lot my attention or help, and I start feeling suffocated like I can't say no, or set limits, or will lose the friendship.
I belong to Codependents Anonymous, and recently I heard something from CoDA Australia that essentially says that one can mistake lack of boundaries for "acceptance, gentleness, and love." Boy, did I relate to that sentence. I noticed I would often do things I really didn't want to do out of not wanting to hurt others, because I pitied them or felt sorry for them in some way. Then it became a habit, where the other person got used to the dynamic of me doing whatever they wanted from pity. When I tried to say "no..." It felt like I was saying that I didn't care about them, and they didn't matter. But that was the farthest thing from the truth. The truth was, that the way I felt mattered too, and what I wanted mattered too. I was responsible for taking care of me, and she was responsible for taking care of her. Which meant, in my circumstance, it was my job to say no to take care of me, and her job to figure out what she needed to do, once she knew my answer was, "No, I can't."
I realized that by saying "No." I wasn't ending the friendship, but giving it hope to evolve into a relationship that was more healthy, a relationship that would honor that we were whole individual people who liked and enjoyed being together and supporting each other, rather than needing to be together for fear of abandonment or doing things for each other obligated or guilted by the fear we would be branded as "bad friends" if we didn't. Saying "No" was the most honest thing I could share with her, and would allow her to see the real human, vulnerable and limited me rather than the false me that I wished I could be, that I believe she would like better. Thus, telling the truth would protect me from building resentments in our friendship and actually help us become closer to the real me.
I learned something else, I found in the Australian Coda website. It essentially said, "We cannot simulaneously set a boundary and take care of another's person's feelings." I tried to do that and pretty much fell flat on my face. So from first hand experience, I don't recommend it! ...
In hindsight, I wish I had just said no, and let my friend go through her range of emotions, and then just wait for her to work things out and decide when she wanted to reconnect again. I figure if she is unwilling to respect my needs and wants as equal to hers, then I've got to be partially grateful that I know the truth and can decide what kind of friendship I want with her. If on the other hand, she deals with her emotions, whether it is disappointment, feeling abandoned, feeling sad, etc. and discovers that other people are distinct whole entities who have a right to say, "No." then that also gives me new information about our friendship.
No matter what, once the request was made... just feigning along and continuing to do things to not rock the boat... our friendship will not stay the same... Because I am creating resentment, both for myself, and in her (because she can sense I really don't want to...) Yet, if I speak my truth... how I really trully feel. I have a chance at creating some real closeness with my friend, and it actually feels safer with friends I can be honest with. I can't say, "No." I also can't really fully embrace a "Yes" either.
It's just my two cents worth of my own recent experiences. But I learned the most important person in the boundary is me. I just have to take the action of upholding my boundary, and not give in because I feel guilty, or bad.... In coda we don't give advice but share experience, strength and hope and trust the other person will come up with our own solutions :)
I believe in you! Thanks for sharing! Hope things work out for you...
