Confused about navigating friendships

Growing up, I rarely had friends. The first friend I ever had was a family friend, she and I did get along but we were still both vastly different and far apart (and now she lives even farther). It was always an inconvenience to take me to see her because of the distance, especially the last time I saw her when I had to buy a plane ticket only to find that she seemed more mature and grown up than I am even 3 years later and we were too different now. It took me until middle school to make friends who lived closer, and I was happy with my flimsy group of three that I could both make plans with at the same time, though only one of them and I used to spend time at recess together. Four years later and I started a fight with the one I was closest to, who I'll call Name, because she revealed a traumatic story to me and how she was trying to recover, and I got jealous because a deep dark part of me wants a "been through hell and back, kept fighting, and came out stronger than ever" story to improve my self esteem and I know that if I went through hell I could never keep fighting. I'm still in the wrong, of course. I feel incredibly guilty about it because now I have no more close friends, and frankly I think I deserve it. I still talk to the other girl from the middle school trio, who I'll call Person, but she and I aren't joined at the hip like Name and I were (but Name was drifting apart even before I yelled at her) and Person is kind of a flake due to personal issues. Other than Person I talk to some other people from the school band/choir, but we haven't really made plans or anything like that; I'm close with one of my choir friends but it's awkward choosing what to do because we always meet at third locations rather than each other's houses. Neither Person nor Choir Friend ever initiate anything, I always reach out to say hi and make all the plans but it would be nice to have the reciprocation of that.

I still haven't moved on from yelling at Name, and while I wouldn't want to be friends with Name anymore anyway, I want to redeem and forgive myself. I feel like I don't deserve friends because of the Name incident and because I'm kind of aloof and antisocial and not warm, bubbly, fun, kind, and inviting - but I want to be warm and caring and not antisocial. And yet, I don't know how to be. I find it exhausting to be nice and I'm not sure whether it's from years of being isolated (people paid no mind to me until middle school, at which point the popular girls would pretend to like me but not actually, and the boys would ask me out as a prank, I only had Name, Person, a friend who went to a different high school, and a band friend from middle school who is more of a flake than Person now) or because I'm genuinely mean, but I don't want to be mean. I want to be kind and warm and deserve friends and know where I belong. An added challenge is that it's hard for me when people can't make plans, I'm not sure whether that is because I'm always on guard for any sign of a flaky friend or because I show signs of narcissism which I plan to get evaluated and treated; I also dream of having a "perfect" friend or friend group where we are joined at the hip and will do anything for each other and always thinks of each other's preferences ("you should try on this shirt, that colour looks so good on you!" or "I got everyone's favourite snacks for movie night!" sort of thing) but I don't think I deserve that. Is there any hope of me finally finding my tribe? I've made conversation with many people but have yet to click with anyone the way Name and Person and I used to, or fit into anyone's friend group when I talk with them. So what should I do?

It's also hard because people my age are nearing adulthood, so people are getting jobs and partners and trying to keep up marks, so I fear that I may be overlooked no matter what as we can't be carefree anymore.