Confused and seeking forgiveness

This is very hard for me to share. I've never done anything like this before. But I know for a fact I don't experience attraction like "normal" people do I guess? I don't know if that means Ace, Demi, Aro, etc...

I don't like to get physically close with people. I can count on one hand the times I've been intimate with a person. With my only two partners I never wanted to engage but did it anyway in the hope to please them.

So in the past I've had two friends, one ten years ago and one now where I've gotten physically close with them. Platonic, not romantic. But touching each other with hugs and cuddles etc. 10 years ago I grew very possessive of that friend and said manipulative things when they weren't talking to me and I wasn't the only one who had their attention. Eventually we sorted things out.

when I grew close to this other friend more recently I thought it would be okay I won't repeat the same mistakes. But instead I deluded myself into thinking I was romantically in love with them. And said even more hurtful things than 10 years ago because she's straight and never wanted that kind of relationship. In desperation I tried to force it on her because I was so hurt. And I don't know what to do.

i feel very lost. She's one of the only people I could be close to. And I hurt her very badly. Anyway... just putting this out there helps a little maybe... not sure it belongs here, sorry.