Help with moving on/not getting hopes up?
Hi all. I'm new so I'm just getting the hang of all this.
Ok so, a bit of info. I have an online friend, who lives in another country. We met in July last year. We got along really well, felt comfortable around each other and all that, and I really enjoy talking to her, she is really cool. She has depression, and other issues in her life, this did not bother me though, because I knew how much fun she could be, and how nice of a person she is.
Once we got a bit more comfortable with each other, she opened up a bit more to me about her problems. This was ok, I wanted to help her, I told her that, and I have never stopped trying to help her. I also learnt she is a very sensitive person. It was clear she had a lot of issues in her life, but I did my best to help.
Then we had our first argument. It was because all this had built up (her telling me about problems), and I got a bit frustrated one day and overreacted/lashed out a bit.
I had not experienced friends like this before, so I was not entirely used to dealing with these problems. I realized I had done wrong, and eventually we managed to sort it out.
Fast forward to now. I won't worry about any info in between. I overreacted and lashed out again when she was telling me about problems. I realized days afterwards, while reading old messages, that I had almost forgotten how we used to be, and this is just how she was. When she would get angry/frustrated about problems, they were not directed at me personally, it's just how she is, I just took them the wrong way again. Again, I realized this and did my best to show it, and show I still cared about her. It has been a week since this happened, and she has not spoken to me since. A week may not seem like long, but we spoke almost every day, and I'm also not the best with making friends, so I worry a lot about losing them.
I have done my best over the past week to show I still care about her, how I see I was wrong, admittedly I have also sent messages in a bit of a panic a couple of times that I later regret as well. She does read my messages, just does not say anything, I'm not sure if that's a good sign or not. I can't keep sending her messages though, it will probably only make things worse.
I still hope we can get through this and remain friends, but I don't know if that is going to happen. I'm not going to block her or anything, so she still has a way to contact me if she feels the need to.
But I don't know how to stop trying to fix things, stop messaging her when shes online, or how to stop getting my hopes up that things will work out. Sure, it's great if they do, but it only makes me feel worse if I keep getting my hopes up then nothing happens. I need a way to tell myself this, and to tell myself I have done enough, and it's in her hands now kind of thing, I just don't know how to do that.
Sorry if this is a bit long. I'm not good at writing short stories, and I often find that the more info, the better. Thanks for any help.
I wish I had something even semi-intelligent to say here to you. I think it may boil down to, "how do you regain trust…"?
There are so many variables here; many of which you have no control over. One of the difficulties is that there is a physical distance between both of you. At least, calling / skype / texting is now relatively cheap.
Relationships, in my opinion, never reach a permanent plateau; they always require effort & readjustments for a multitude of reasons.
Try not to 'beat yourself up' about the negative things you may have said. You admit that your are inexperienced at social interactions. You befriended her. You did gain her trust. Those are admirable qualities!
You may have screwed up, but you had the insight to see that and admit it. That a lot more than many people are willing to do.
Ok. So now what do you do? Continue to be as good a friend as you can. See if she can heal. Sadly, you are not in a position to help her. As long as she's not swearing out a complaint with Interpol, I would suggest that you continue to contact her. I wouldn't suggest a barrage of messages. I also wouldn't suggest anything like begging.
I am a writer, so guess what I'm going to suggest? Write. (Actually, I don't believe there is any such thing as a writer, only a re-writer or editor.) I'm an old fart, but I'd suggest email, or better yet a hand written letter, that is simple yet one where the words are carefully chosen. (Think of how a poem has so much to say with so few words. Each word must be carefully chosen.)
Let her know that you are aware that you screwed up. Let her know you will make every effort not to repeat the same mistakes. Let her know that you are in it for the long haul and will stick around to regain her trust.
I believe that is the most you can do. We all bring to a relationship our past baggage. Hopefully, she can see you for the person that originally became her friend.
The ball is in her court. You can try. Do remember that regardless, you did do the right thing by reaching out to her originally. Hopefully, she can recall that feeling.
J-
It's okay to be frustrated sometimes, you are only human! I think helping your friend is very thoughtful of you. I have the feeling she will come around if you are patient and do not pressure her. Make sure she knows you care, and leave it at that. If she feels your apology is genuine, there is no reason for her to continue to distance you. You are a good person- even good people make mistakes!
I can really relate to this right now... the whole not being good at getting along with people I care about, and the overreacting, and it being so hard and taking so long to make a friend only to suddenly be faced with the fear of losing it all because of conflict.
And that I too am in a time of waiting on replies and hoping I haven't screwed it all up forever this time...
I guess what you can do is be sure to make it clear that since you are not as experienced with these sort of things, it will take some time and struggle to improve and become a better and more understanding person. And that you really, really are trying to improve. And that hopefully conflict doesn't spell doom, but rather just a healthy (although painful at times) struggle between two imperfect humans to get along in this crazy world...and that it should hopefully not lead to cut ties but rather a deeper understanding of each other. Also, probably a good idea to thank her for having put up with you thus far.
So yeah idk. I wish the best for you. I know what it's like...
Thanks for all the help guys, it's more of a response than I had hoped for.
I sent her a message after reading the replies here. I basically said some things JeffWM suggested, I said I know I have made mistakes, it's a problem I know I have, and I am getting help for it. We would only speak over skype and text, a letter would have been good, but unfortunately that's not practical in our situation. A poem would be even better, because she loves poems and writes them herself, but I have never really tried poetry. Maybe I could sometime, because poetry means a lot to her.
I heard from another friend that she has been unhappy today, and the last day/couple of days, they don't think this is because of me, but I'm not entirely convinced. So I won't send her anything else today, maybe not tomorrow either, but I'm not sure. Anything I send her now will just be things I know she likes/is interested in, to show I still care, and I'll see how things go from there.
Thanks again :)