I Feel Like My Friends Don't Care or Get Me
Since my ex broke up with me last March, I have tried to reach out to old friends or make new ones. but I feel like I just don't belong anywhere. The one place I felt like I belonged was somewhere I wasn't needed or wanted anymore.
There are so many thoughts that go through my head when I am in public these days. How to look like I'm happy. If they are judging me for what I've just said. If they are deciding whether or not I am fun or interesting to be around. If they would even notice or care if I stopped texting and calling them to hangout.
I know part of it is my fault. I work on a cruise ship and travel a lot for work. My ex is also British so I lived in Britain for a few years. I would come back and visit a few weeks a year in between work and staying abroad. They would always say how much they missed me while I was gone or express sadness when I couldn't come to a group event. One of my friends has apparently been angry at me for not calling on her wedding day while I was away(I was being transferred for work and sat in a hotel by myself in Canada crying most of the time and having suicidal thoughts). She said she felt like I was inconsiderate and that she was hurt. That she felt like an option to me. This same friend has been organizing organizing a group trip to Vegas for her birthday, but has never mentioned it to me or invited me.
My other two friends here have become BFFs. They have to be reminded to call me or text me when I am in town and they are hanging out. They are both vegetarians now and don't want to do anything that isn't vegetarian. But they never suggest an alternative. They just decline to come. I had a confrontation with one of them who said she doesn't know what to say to me about the break up because she can only give me practical advice(which sometimes sounds like judgements to me). She said she felt bad that I felt judge and that it made her sad to see me so upset. But she also said it made her wonder if the relationship was healthy for her to stay in. That she loved hanging out with me when I was happy.
I hangout with the other friend more but I feel like she thinks my sadness about the break up or feelings of being left out are dramatic. That that's just the way life is and sometimes people grow apart. Whenever it is just me and her hanging out, I feel like she is bored with me. She looks tired or sighs or her body language changes if I am saying something she isn't interested in or disagrees with. Or she will get out her phone and start texting her BFF or the friend who is angry at me for not calling on her wedding.
None of them text me unless it's to make plans to hangout. They don't text me like they text each other with daily things. I sometimes feel like they don't even care about what I am up to or doing. They know I don't know anyone else around here because I don't work here and haven't been here in ages. I used to go to church a lot, but now I am atheist. My mom hates that I don't go to church anymore. But that was the only thing I did when I didn't hang out with them when I was younger. I just feel like I'm not important to them. That I am out of sight and out of mind and anything I do to try to fix it makes it worse. I try to get the old gang back together and they get upset and say our other friend doesn't call them so why should they go out of their way to call her to hang out.
I feel like I don't belong here...I've tried to make new friends but meet up websites don't have anything I am interested in and dating sites aren't the best luck around here because I am so different. Besides, I'm afraid to have my only friend be my boyfriend or his friends again...what happens when we break up? I'll be friendless and unwanted by my old friends again.
Sorry this was so long...Thanks for reading.
This happened to me. I moved to a different part of England. I got a new job but didn't tell anybody about my past. I made up a story. I made new friends and when I believed it was ssfe I told them the REAL story. It has worked for me.
That does seem like a nice solution if I can ever get back out of my hometown. It works when I meet new people on the ship, but those friendships never last for me. I think the problem is that my old friends are judging me based off of the person I was 9 years ago. It's like they aren't even interested in hearing my new views on life.
"Dear friends who think that I have forgotten about you guys as I don't call you often. We are all adults and have busy lives. But I'm always here if you need me."
If they can't understand your case nor discuss with you,then perhaps it's time to let them go. They can tell you their opinions and if they are right then we'll apologize sincerely and make amends. But if they are going to pout like kids,time to leave them in childhood.
@warmheartedHuman2014 I went out with some friends from high school to the bar last night and they asked if I had spoken to X. I said, "No I haven't spoken to X or D. They don't really talk to me or want to hang out. So I figure it's best just to move on and concentrate on those who do want to hang out." 👍
This is true. I'm trying to find the people who do care enough. I just long for a good chill session sitting down and chatting about things without arguing or getting upset. Somewhere at a friend's house on the couch with a cup of tea. Not a bar or some loud place.
Thanks, guy. I do understand that people have busy lives. I guess it's just disheartening that when I am out with one of them, they are on their phone texting the others non-stop. I want to focus on those who do want to hang out with me, but it seems none of them do. Yet, they simultaneously feel like I don't listen to them or that they are an option to me. I am here trying to talk about out lives and listen in a judgement free zone, but they don't listen. They just give solutions that most times sound like judgements. I want to rekindle old friendships and make new ones, but I'm not sure how to do either with my life style.
Hi, thanks for sharing this. I am in a similar situation as you are. I have just recently broken up with my boyfriend. And on top of that, I've become very dissatisfied with my BFF and kind of broken up with her as well. I saw that everytime we talked she would stop listening to me after two words that I said. She, on the contrary, was able to vent to me for an hour about everything. It felt like she's had all these things on her mind, that she needed to get off her chest, and now she's finally got the chance. I'm not surprised, seeing how most of the people don't listen. My other female friend - the same thing. She's told me this story about her trip to Italy, that monologue lasted an hour (I measured it secretly) and then she didn't ask me one question about myself. When I told her about my new job that I was happy about, after long years of shitty jobs, unemployment and money problems, instead of being supportive, she just made this strange bored face. Another friend of mine does something similar as you've described - in the middle of being spoken to, she takes out her phone and starts to check messages. If I wanted to be with people who just vent to me and then don't listen, I'd have thousand friends. But I'm done with always being there for others. But still, it's hard.. finding new friends isn't easy and I feel very lonely sometimes.
You're right. It's very hard to make new friends. I'm not sure how to find new platonic best friends at 30...