Lost friend
Ive been depressed for as long as I can remember. Being a kid, it was hard to find a purpose. It was hard to find my place in the world, to fit in. I felt alone. All the time. Loneliness turned to low self esteem, turning to self hate, leading to anxiety about existing. I wanted to d.y, all the time. My parents were great in providing for me, but they didnt know how to deal with any emotion or mental issues. I was told to stop crying, told I was complaining for nothing. I suffered in silence. My depression and anxiety turned to affect my social life. I had difficulty opening up to people, expressing myself without jumping to anger. Remaining calm. I damaged relationships, couldnt really connect with anyone. All I ever felt was misunderstood. I eventually got in a romantic relationship. It lasted a while and had many up and downs. He was diagnosed with severe depression when we were dating. He was a self harmer. Sometimes he would get really angry and blame me for everything. I eventually began to think it was all my fault, and I began to suffer too. He didnt really believe me when I said I was sad too. Things eventually got better, but the emotional turmoil never went away. He eventually breaks up with me, possibly because of our distance (now thirty mins away at college). We were together for almost three years. In college I made new friends, theres this one guy I grew really close to. He then heads down the same path as my ex, and I again blame myself. I walk far away from campus and attempt to kil myse I. I make the decision to come back, and a few friends come get me. One of them, one I thought I was particularly close to comes too. Lets call her S. Syells at me when I meet her. S knew about my suicidall tendencies, and I didnt expect that outcome. I get mad at her for a few days. The next day another friend gets upset with her for how she handled the situation, and I didnt intervene. Finally I talk to S. But Im still angry. I listen to her viewpoint, shes lost a friend before. The entire thing was triggering. I tell her I wish she hadnt gotten angry but I understood. I reach out to her a week later, wanting to apologize. No response. Few days later she unfollows me. Pretty sure she blocks my number. I write her a good luck letter at a time when I wanted to say good luck. She gets mad, pretty sure she didnt read it. She moved on with her life, deleted me out of it like it was nothing. I get that it was for own benefit, but it still hurts like hell. I just want to tell her Im sorry, and in that mindset of wanting to d.y I couldnt control how I reacted to other people. I need help learning how to move on. The infp in me keeps imaging the last and scenarios in which we are just like old days. But what if this never happens? I got too emotional attached.
@compassionateFig3150
I am so sorry to hear of the life that you have lived. It must have been difficult to deal with all the things that you have been through. From your parents reaction to you emotions and how you were expected to keep those feelings in. Anyone in that situation would feel anxious about expressing their true feelings and thoughts. It is important that we are able to have a free space to do this. I am glad that you have found 7 Cups to be a space to do this.
It can be really difficult to maintain friendships in college at times. We are all trying to figure out who we are and what we desire in life. When our childhood is traumatic, it can make these sort of things difficult. I want you to know that you have no control over how people react to you. What you can control is what you do and how you react. It shows growth that you have realised where you may have went wrong and have tried to reach out and apologise. However, just as you have personal growth to do, others may have their own issues to work on. No one is perfect. Your friend may not have dealt with her feelings around loosing a friend and this was passed onto you. She may have chosen not to respond to your attempts to reach out because she does not know how to respond or deal with a situation like this. This is not your fault. Other people's decisions are not your fault as they are responsible for their own actions.
I encourage you to continue on your journey on 7 Cups and continue to do some deep analysis of yourself. I have also had friends who have 'disappeared.' I understand the need to get closure on the relationship or discover what went wrong. It can be hard to move on from a friendship or relationship that you felt was positive for you. Sometimes, people are only in our lives for a season. They may be present to teach us something about ourselves and help us to grow. I feel that you have been able to do both in your romantic and platonic relationships. With the experiences of your childhood, it could help you to grow as an individual. You may have struggled as a child, but I feel that with time and experiences in life and growth you will learn to accept the decisions of others.
I hope this helps! If you would like to chat more, feel free to reach out to me through personal messege.
Take care and stay safe!
@compassionateFig3150
I am so sorry to hear of the life that you have lived. It must have been difficult to deal with all the things that you have been through. From your parents reaction to you emotions and how you were expected to keep those feelings in. Anyone in that situation would feel anxious about expressing their true feelings and thoughts. It is important that we are able to have a free space to do this. I am glad that you have found 7 Cups to be a space to do this.
It can be really difficult to maintain friendships in college at times. We are all trying to figure out who we are and what we desire in life. When our childhood is traumatic, it can make these sort of things difficult. I want you to know that you have no control over how people react to you. What you can control is what you do and how you react. It shows growth that you have realised where you may have went wrong and have tried to reach out and apologise. However, just as you have personal growth to do, others may have their own issues to work on. No one is perfect. Your friend may not have dealt with her feelings around loosing a friend and this was passed onto you. She may have chosen not to respond to your attempts to reach out because she does not know how to respond or deal with a situation like this. This is not your fault. Other people's decisions are not your fault as they are responsible for their own actions.
I encourage you to continue on your journey on 7 Cups and continue to do some deep analysis of yourself. I have also had friends who have 'disappeared.' I understand the need to get closure on the relationship or discover what went wrong. It can be hard to move on from a friendship or relationship that you felt was positive for you. Sometimes, people are only in our lives for a season. They may be present to teach us something about ourselves and help us to grow. I feel that you have been able to do both in your romantic and platonic relationships. With the experiences of your childhood, it could help you to grow as an individual. You may have struggled as a child, but I feel that with time and experiences in life and growth you will learn to accept the decisions of others.
I hope this helps! If you would like to chat more, feel free to reach out to me through personal messege.
Take care and stay safe!
