My best friend
I have a problem. I moved to a new country for college and I met these girls. I had been texting one of them for months before we actully flew to the country, because we were going to room together. But the minute I saw her I knew I was probably not going to like her. We roomed together in campus housing, and she ended up being this very loud and very messy person, which is the exact opposite of me. Needless to say I grew to dislike her very quickly.
I have a problem with confrontation though, and so even as I began to dislike her more and more, I still acted like her friend for these reasons:
1. We lived together and I didnt want to live in such a negative environment once she found out I did not want to be friends with her
2. My best friend in this school was also her best friend, and I knew it would make it so much more difficult to be friends when I hated her other best friend
3. My fear of confrontation and social anxiety
In hindsight, I know I should have said something. But its too late for that now.
It built up over a year and a half with her, and my best friend was completely oblivious. I would pick up after them and clean piles of dishes and the cleaning people in housing would od the rest. They both just lived their lives as if I wasnt the one cleaning up all of their messes.
And then we moved off campus. Where there was no cleaning service. And I was forced to live in the same room as this girl that had taken the place of my other best friend in the apartment
Hi Indie. What a horrible time you've been having at college. I am so sorry to hear about all of this and how you are being treated. It is often incredibly hard to live in a house with others and have everybody get along, but your situation has really escalated to an unsafe place. My first question is to ask if you have some place safe right now to live? It sounds like there is some trauma in your past, and these new events are triggering some anxiety. That's perfectly understandable! I know your "safe" person may not share your values and habits, but maybe you can look past that until you get another place to live. I'm not sure about your school, but we always had people looking for roommates. Whoever you stay with, remember that the next person probably won't share all of your values either. College is a big mash up of different people from many different backgrounds. You do deserve a safe place where you're not harrassed though. I'm happy to listen any time you want to talk.
@LovelyRose77
Thank you! Yes I did move out and into my best friends apartment. Now I at least have one safe place away from those girls. But my problem now is with my best friend. I feel like, the more time I spend with one person the more they start to grate on my nerves. And I spend a lot of time away from her, but she still annoys me. I dont know what to do, and I dont want to end our friendship.
@indigoSpring226
It sounds like the longer you're around someone, the more you see things about them that you don't like. You might want to take some time and think of 1 good thing you like about her every day. It will help you to focus on the good qualities, rather than the bad qualities. Good quality number 1 - she cared enough to take you in. I'm guessing she also listened to you vent about them and what you went through. Both of those are pretty huge signs of empathy from her. I'd forgive 3 bad qualities for each of those 2 very good ones ;-)
@LovelyRose77 Thats exactly it! The more Im around people, the more I realize how many qualities they have that I dont like. I think I just gloss over them in the beginning because I want a friend. How do I not do that from the start? Because they annoy me too much to get past them.
@indigoSpring226
Since it sounds like a pattern for you, you need to create a new pattern. They most likely annoy you because that is where your focus is right now. So, you need to change your focus. Start focusing on people's good qualities. Ask yourself how many more friends you'd have if you saw people in a more balanced way, instead of seeing the bad qualities. Ask yourself if you really have reason to dislike that person? Do you have a reason to like them instead? As you work on your thoughts and challenge them, you'll probably find that you have a lot of qualities to like in some of these people ;-)