Online Friendship - Guy is getting too attached
i used to be on this other site - experience project. And it was really great for a while. I started talking to some people there, and there was this one guy with whom i really hit it off. I mean we were very similiar and it was great talking with him, We talked about everything, from our personal and family issues to just random things like series, and our days. We live in oposite sides of world so we couldnt manage to be online at the same time very often. We started to get a bit attached to one another, like every morning i would be excited to see what he had replied, and then i was eager for the late afternoon to talk to him (because thats when he woke up and could go online). But i was getting attached as a FRIEND. I have friends in real life but they are not quite like me so sometimes i feel a bit lonely, so it was awesome to meet someone similiar to me.
But he started to get attached too much to me, and started thinking he was falling for me… and that kinda of ruined it… Im afraid I might be being a bit mean when i say this, but its true. Now when i talk to him is not as carefree as it used to be. Im always analising how i talk to him, afraid that i might be too friendly and give him the wrong ideia, and im starting to be a bit unconfortable when he starts being too nice, calling me cute and all that. I mean, we have been talking for less than a month! I might be a bit cynic but i dont believe in online relationships or long distance relationships… friendships yes, but not romantic relationships…
I dont think hes a creep or anything, because I know whats it like to be lonely, and like i said we are very similiar. I almost started to think like him, but i took a step back and really thought things through.
I just feel sad and frustrated that we couldnt have just continued as normal friends. why did he have to get into his head that hes falling for me? I feel like running away honestly but at the same i dont because im afraid to hurt him, and i dont want to be mean, and i think a part of me understand and relates to the way hes reacting.
i just wish things would go back how they were at first…
Hey there!
First of all, thank you for sharing such a long story with us. I can see you shared something very personal from the length of this post so I will try to reply with as much as I can as well.
It's normal to feel good when you find people with whom you can talk about everything and everyone and not feel judged. It's so awesome because it's actually rare... Having such a good friend online is always better than not having him at all in your life.
Second, I don't believe you a cynical at all.
It was natural for you to become more analytical in your replies to him once you figured out he wants more and you don't. Have you told him at all that you aren't interested in more?
Also, have you two ever talked about love, friendships, relationships in general? How each of you reacts to certain situations? That could have helped you in figuring out what made him get attached so soon - in less than a month.
Some people are idealistics and tend to get attached really quick and then feel abandoned if they see the other person isn't responding in the same manner. But it's always better to tell them straight what you feel instead of going deeper in something you don't really feel okay about.
And finally, "i wish things would go back to how they were". Well, things are always evolving. Nothing stays the same. You cannot pretend or wish for them to go back to the way they were when you both are human beings and you indeed contributed in some way to how things are in the present.
What can you tell him to make him understand you like him only as a friend?
If the connection is strong you will stick together but just as friends. He might be hurt but a lot less if you tell him now than later.
@cristiana33
Thank you for replying, I'm very gratefull that you you took the time to write an answer.
No I haven't talked to him about it because he never actually told me directly that he was falling for me (but he wrote about it in a post in that site, and I know for sure it was about me because of some things he said) so I don't know how to approach the subject... But I'm starting to realize that there's no way to deal with this without hurting him a little bit. I'm worried about hurting him if I push the subject just to essencially reject him, but I guess you're right, it'll be worse if things drag on more... He's already getting even more clingly, suddenly calling me by cute nicknames, and recently I went through ONE day without sending him a message (just because I honestly didn't have anything interesting to say, and I'm getting really busy with uni work) and he started to freak out and getting really all worried that he had scared me off or upset me for some reason...
Do you think It's best that I just confront him directly with these issues? I've been avoindin that because I'm afraid of being mean or bitxhy and of upseting him.
@RedAsphodel90
You're welcome!
Sounds like in his head you are already in a very special place and it's okay to try to clarify with him some boundaries if you don't feel the same way.
How it's better to do it, sooner or later, it's hard to decide & I cannot make this decision. It's up to you entirely: how you feel you can do it and how you see him reacting. But this has a lot to do with how much you can accept from this person - healthy boundaries.
Why he started freaking out like this? Was he afraid of "losing" you? Or he was just thinking about you being safe? It matters to understand this & help him understand your stand in this as well. Otherwise things will only get harder. It's okay not to feel the same way, just make sure you address this thing. :)
Good luck!